Last week, I wrote a post discussing values, what they are, how we define them, and how they affect our behaviors and motivations. If you have not read it I encourage you to do so before reading this post.

What is the difference between a value and a belief? This is a question that I am often asked. Many people seem to lump the beliefs and values into the same definition. But, while both are related, there are actually some not-so-subtle differences between the two.

What are values?

Values are the basis for our behavior and motivation. Values are abstract, hierarchical and dynamic concepts that essentially describe what we desire or seek to achieve. We may hold values such as “loyalty”, “truthfulness”, “charity”, “service” and many others.

When we say we hold a value, what we are really saying is that we aspire to something, or we feel that value is worth something to us. So if we say that we hold “charity” as a value we are saying that we aspire to be charitable, even at personal cost.

However, as I mentioned, values are abstract. You may have a very good idea of what it means to be charitable. But my idea of charity may be very different than yours. This is where the notion of criteria come in.

Criteria define our values, or give them specific meaning to us. For instance, when I think of charity, I assign criteria that defines charity. The criteria I use include, helping others to be self reliant, empowering others, helping others meet challenges. My value of charity, and the criteria I use to define charity, will influence how I may react to someone who is in need. Since my criteria and your criteria may be different, you may react in a different way.

What are beliefs?

Beliefs are judgments about ourselves and the world around us. They are usually generalizations. A typical belief may be “killing is bad.” Notice that the belief includes not only an action or thing (“killing”, but a judgment about that action or thing (“is bad”).

Sometimes beliefs become very strongly entrenched or emotional. In this way, beliefs can influence our behaviors, even our thoughts, in very powerful ways. If you truly believe that eating fish will give you eternal happiness, and you desire eternal happiness, then you will probably eat a lot of fish. More tragically, if you believe that you doing God’s will, and will be rewarded in heaven, by blowing yourself up and killing dozens of others in the process, you will blow yourself up. This is the power of belief.

Beliefs also literally shape your map of reality. I have written articles in the past about how information received through your senses is passed through filters to create a map of reality. Beliefs are those filters. This is why 10 people can sit through the same experience and have 10 different views (or realities) of what happened.

How are beliefs and values related?

Beliefs and values (and criteria) are closely related. In fact, they are interdependent. That is, they cannot be separated from each other. In essence, beliefs provide context for our experiences, and connect our experiences to our values and criteria.

Let’s say that I am walking down the street and see a beggar sitting on a bench. I have a value of being charitable, and my criteria define that value as helping others in need. I also have other values, such as protecting myself and my family, and criteria that define those values.

How would I respond to this situation? Would I invite the beggar into my home? Probably not, because I do not now this person, and would not want to endanger my family by inviting a stranger home. Would I simply walk by? Probably not, because I have a value of being charitable and helping others in need. Most likely I would give the homeless person a blanket to keep warm, maybe something to eat, and perhaps even walk him to a shelter if there was one nearby.

Walking through this scenario, I would make several judgments about this situation, which would connect my values and criteria to my experience. I would first judge whether or not the person was in need, then if he was dangerous to me, or potentially to my family. I would also judge whether or not my actions of giving him a blanket, food, or other assistance satisfies my value of charity. All of these judgments, which create my beliefs about the situation, will affect my behaviors and attitudes towards this person and situation.

Beliefs and values are different

Hopefully, you can see how beliefs and values are different. To sum it up, values represent our aims, desires, and goals. They are usually abstract, and are further defined by criteria. Beliefs are judgments that connect our values and criteria to our experiences. They give our experiences meaning, and provide context for our values.

Both values and beliefs shape the way we view ourselves and the world around us. They act as filters for our perceptions, and actually create our maps of reality. They literally make our reality, and make us who we are.

We hear a lot about values. During election campaigns politicians talk about “traditional values.” There are also cultural values (“American values, European values, etc.), “family values”, “value based leadership,” etc. etc.

We hear about how important values are in society, or about important it is to instill strong value systems in our children. But, when we speak about values, what exactly are we talking about?

What are values?

While most of us have an intuitive idea about the nature of a value, few could provide a clear definition of what one actually is. Most recognize that values are generally related to something of worth, or meaning. When we say we have a particular value, we are by default assigning worth and meaning to that value. We are saying it is important to us.

For example, if we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we believe that being successful is worth something, or that it has meaning to our lives. From our statement we can assume that “success” is worth taking specific, and perhaps difficult, steps to achieve. In other words, our goals and actions will reflect the value of “success.” They form the basis for our behaviors and motivations.

Values are typically abstract concepts. For example, although you and I may both say that “success” is a value, we will most likely have at least subtle differences in how we define success. Therefore, our motivations, goals, plans, and behaviors may be very different as we pursue success.

To summarize, values define what we desire, or seek to achieve.

But there is more…

As I mentioned above, values are usally very abstract. When we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we desire success, and that success is worth some effort to achieve. But how do we clarify what success actually is?

Robert Dilts, in his book Sleight of Mouth, contends that another construct is at play in our value systems. According to Dilts, we use what are known as criteria to further define our values. The best way to describe criteria and how the relate to values is by an example.

If my definition of success is having very strong relationships with friends and family, I will probably not work 60 hours each week to get that next promotion or bonus. Instead, I will choose to do things that build those relationships over things that build my career, such as spending more time at home, or with friends, building those relationships.

On the other hand, if you define success as becoming a Vice President before age 35, you will most likely put in those extra hours, even at the expense of some of your relationships.

So, my criteria for success is strong personal and family relationships. Your criteria for success (in this example) is career growth.

Our criteria make the abstract value of success more concrete for each of us, and therefore influence our goals and behaviors.

Contemplating your own values

Most (all?) of us could sit down and write out a list of values that we believe to be sacred. Perhaps values like “honesty”, “integrity”, “loyalty”, “achievement”, “family”, and many others would appear on most of our lists. Some of these values have been passed down through our own family or national cultures. These are expected values. But how do we really know they are “our own” values?

There are two obvious tests.

First, sit down with your list of values, then go through each value and write down the criteria for that value. Odds are, if you cannot write down several criteria for any particular value, you have not really defined what that value means to you. And if you have not defined the value, you probably have not internalized it. And a value that is not internalized is not really a value that you own for yourself.

Second, after you have really defined your values, reflect on how well you actually keep them. If you say you value family, but your efforts are mostly focused towards work, there may be cause to reconsider how strongly you hold the family value. In other words, the more strongly your behavior reflects the values you purport to hold, the more strongly you actually hold those values.

The hierarchical and fluid nature of values

You may feel a little concerned or confused (or even offended) after reading the last section. There is really no need, because it is entirely possibly, even probably, that some of your values may conflict with some others. This is because values are hierarchical and fluid by nature.

This statement may surprise you because you may have been taught that values are set in stone, universal, and concrete. But on reflection, can you name a single value that actually is any of these?

Some may say that respecting human life is an absolute value. But, in the next breath we may justify killing terrorists, or a criminal that has committed murder, or another person who is threatening the life of your own child.

So, do we say that we do not value human life? No, what we would say is that we do value human life, but not as much as we value justice, or defending our own children. So when we think about each of these values: human life, justice, defending our children, we see that there is a hierarchy.

To complicate things further, some of our values and criteria may even change over time. For instance, it is not uncommon for people to change their value criteria as they grow older and experience more. A traumatic or highly emotional event may change the values a person has as well. Sometimes we may even choose to reflect on a value, and modify it or its criteria to better fit in our own map of reality.

Values are complex psychological constructs. They are ambiguous, vague, and abstract. But in our own minds we assign them criteria to further define them and make them more practical. Values govern our behaviors and motivation, and therefore our perceptions of reality.

However, it would be wrong to say they “control” us, because they are fluid and hierarchical. We have the ability to modify our values and criteria based on our own experiences and needs. I encourage you to explore your values, understand their criteria and hierarchy, and align your work and behaviors with them. In doing so you will lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

One of the presuppositions of NLP is that the meaning of a communication is in the way it is received. I posted a guest post from Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds on this presupposition back in June of this year, but think it is worth visiting again. It is that important.

But, in this post I am going to approach the topic from a different direction than Dianne. In her post, Dianne explained in some detail how this presupposition works. (I highly recommend reading her post. Just click on any one of the links). In this post, I am going to describe some specific ways to ensure that our messages are understood.

The role of empathy

This presupposition is a simple way of saying that we must take responsibility for how we attempt to communicate a message. When we wish to convey a particular message and it is misinterpreted, we often blame the recipient for misunderstanding. We get defensive and even blaming, and arguments happen.

Fundamentally, the reason for the conflict and misunderstanding that comes from “miscommunication,” indeed, the reason for miscommunication itself, is typically because empathy is lacking in both the transmitter and the receiver of the message.

When we communicate without empathy, we are transmitting without any regard or consideration to the needs of our intended receiver. Often times people will try and justify this lack of empathy by saying they prefer to “tell it like it is,” or to “be direct.” The true motive behind this desire to “be direct” is to force our message on somebody else, with little regard to how they may interpret or receive it. After all, if we really want to be understood, why would we not want to tailor our message to the recipient? This “being direct” is a fundamentally selfish way of communicating.

Likewise, it is impossible to accurately receive a message without empathy. Think about active listening as an example. It is simply not possibly to engage in active listening – to give somebody your total attention, and show genuine interest in what the other is trying to say, without empathy. In fact, a fundamental part of active listening is to connect with the sender, and repeat back his or her message in our own words to confirm our own understanding.

By definition, we cannot form such a connection and understanding without empathizing.

So why does the sender hold the primary responsibility for the way a message is received?

I’ve just said that lack of empathy on both sides of a communication is the reason why misunderstandings and the resulting conflicts happen. That being the case, you may be wondering why it is that the sender has the responsibility for ensuring his or her message is accurately received.

It simple. The sender starts the cycle, and understands (hopefully) the meaning of the message being conveyed. The receiver cannot possibly understand the meaning unless the sender conveys it. Therefore, the sender is the only person that can logically be responsible.

Furthermore, if the sender places his own need to validate himself, or to “be direct,” or “tell it like it is,” over the way a message is received or how it is interpreted, there can be no empathy conveyed, and the message will more than likely generate a violent (not in the physical sense… hopefully) reaction.

By following the guidelines below, we can communicate with empathy and in a nonviolent manner, and ensure our messages are understood:

Be aware of your objective. The sender is the only person who can know the meaning of any communication before it is sent. If the sender does not know what meaning she wants to convey, then how can the receiver possibly understand it?

It is also necessary that the sender understand “why” he wants to send the message in the first place. Is the intent constructive, or antagonistic? Antagonism rarely gets the results we want… at least in the long term. It is possible to communicate anger in ways that actually achieve positive results and get your needs met. Simply being argumentative damages relationships and ensures your real message – e.g. the need you want to have met – is not received.

Avoid vague language. This is not the same as “being direct” in the sense most people understand it. What avoiding vague language means is to speak plainly, but with empathy, and in a way your receiver can understand and accept.

As we’ve already learned, understanding without empathy is simply not possibly. When choosing your language you want to convey your needs, as well as concern for the receiver, otherwise your message will almost certainly create defensiveness in the recipient, and you are likely to simply end up in a conflict of competing needs.

Be honest about your needs. We all want to have their needs met. And when they aren’t met, we typically get resentful. As resentment builds, empathy departs. And (again) without empathy effective communication is simply not possible.

The time to communicate your needs is before this cycle sets in. It is best to be honest about your needs while you can also be empathic and sensitive to your recipient’s needs as well.

Communicate in the positive. Use positive language when communicating. By doing this you will find it much easier to convey empathy, and frame your message in a nonviolent manner.

Abolish “but” from your vocabulary. A simple yet powerful way to make your language more positive is by replacing any “but” statements with “and” statements. For example, notice the difference between,

“I really want to work this out with you, but I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

And

“I really want to work this out with you, and I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

The messages being sent are subtly different. The “but” statement implies an “either, or” situation. Either we work this out, or I get my needs met.

By replacing “but” with “and,” you imply that both conditions can be met; you just don’t know how…. yet.

Get feedback and confirmation. A great way to ensure the meaning of your message is actually being conveyed is to ask. Again, doing so with empathy will usually result in genuine attempts at understanding. Doing so without empathy results in conflict.

Request, don’t demand. We cannot force anybody to do what we want, at least not for the long term. However, when we request something from somebody else with empathy, we usually generate a genuine desire within them to help.

Even if they cannot do what we are asking, they will most likely work with us to find another way to meet our needs.

When we demand, we generate resentment and resistance, and rarely get our needs met.

You hopefully noticed that empathy is the key ingredient of successful communications, and that empathy must be present from the very beginning, in the message being communicated. Given this, it should also be obvious that the sender is the only person that can be responsible for the way his or her message is received.

A message delivered with empathy will show concern for the needs of the recipients as well as the senders. It will be crafted in a way that the recipient can understand. And the sender will clarify understanding, and if necessary, change the way the message is crafted to ensure understanding.

Have you ever wanted to develop a new habit? You know, go to the gym, eat healthier foods, become and early riser, start a daily meditation practice, or whatever else. The good news is you can, and its not as hard as you may think.

Let’s be clear. I am not promising that you will suddenly lose 30 pounds, or anything equally stupid. I am simply saying that you can develop new habits that may help you lose 30 pounds, or achieve whatever other goals you may have.

I know, because I have used it, and still use it to this day. The technique I use to create new habits is a neurolinguistic programming (NLP) technique called the New Behavior Generator. The process is fairly simple, and only takes 10-15 minutes, if that.

The New Behavior Generator works by accessing a variety of representational systems, or way which you perceive the world. The main representational systems are auditory (hearing), kinaesthetic (touching), olfactory (smell), gustatory (taste) and visual. I won’t bore you with the details (at least not in this post), but there is a neurological basis for this process, and it is very powerful.

Let’s walk through this technique using an example. Steve Aitchison recently posted a blog on the “5 Benefits of Being an Early Riser.”

I actually used the New Behavior Generator a few years back when I was living in the UK to wake up at 6AM on weekdays, without an alarm clock, so this seems like a good example.

Here’s how it works

The first thing you will need to do is find a quite, comfortable place where you can mentally rehearse getting out of bed at the time you feel is most appropriate. Once you are in that place, sit in a comfortable chair or sofa. For this exercise you will keep your eyes open, and will not enter into a deep trance.

Now that you are comfortable, reaffirm to yourself that you want to become an early riser. Be specific. What time would you like to rise, and why. What do you expect to gain from rising early. What are the opportunity costs? How would you like to feel when you rise early? What would you like rising early to be like for you?

It helps to develop a well-formed outcome to clarify all of these details, which are very important for developing your new habit of rising early each morning.

After you have thought about, and clarified your goals and outcomes for rising early, you will begin mentally rehearsing rising early – again, with your eyes open. It is important to keep your eyes open because you will use them to activate specific representational systems as you rehearse.

The steps

First, look down and to your left, and talk to yourself (out loud). Ask yourself “What do I want to do differently in the mornings? How early would I like to rise?” Then, say to yourself, “If I could rise early in the morning, at , what would it look like?” As you are saying this final sentence, begin moving your eyes to look up and to the right.

As you are looking up and to the right, see yourself as if you are watching from outside your body rising early, at the time you would like. Watch yourself sleeping, then sitting up immediately at the appropriate time. If you use an alarm clock, see yourself turn it off as you swing your legs over the side of the bed and stand up. Watch yourself stretch, and smile, as you are totally awake and looking forward to the day. See yourself walk into the kitchen and get a cup of coffee, then walk out onto the patio and watch the sun rising… etc. etc. until you have watched yourself perform your entire morning routine in great detail.

(Your scenario may be different, but the point is to really visualize all of the details – the more detailed the better… and don’t forget to look up and to the right as you do so!)

After you have watched yourself, as if you are outside your body, move your eyes so you are looking down and to the right. Once you are looking down and to the right, step into the experience as you rehearse it again and notice how it feels. Remember, you are noticing how you “want” it to feel, not how you fear it will feel. Notice how refreshed and awake you feel when you open your eyes, how energized you are as you sit up and get out of bed, how excited you are as you look forward to the day.

(Again, your feelings may be different, but the important part is that you really “feel” them as you rehearse getting up in the morning. You are literally programming your mind at this point).

Now repeat this cycle at least three times. As you do, make any adjustments to the routine you feel are necessary. You may change the routine, or the feelings associated with it to make it better as you continue through the cycle.

My recommendation is that once your routine is perfected, run through the perfected routine at least three times to really embed it in your mind.

Now future pace

Once you are happy that you have mentally rehearsed the routine enough times you must check to see how well it is programmed into your mind. In NLP speak we call this future pacing.

To future pace you should think of a time when you will want to wake up early. Now mentally rehearse this event, without the eye movement. Notice the cues you receive that tells you its time to wake up. Watch yourself running through your routine, noticing you feelings and how the routine occurs.

Again, you are not going through the eye movements or introducing any artificial actions or feelings. You are imagining how the event will actually be.

If you find that the event is not unfolding the way you want it to, or that you have unwelcome feelings about the event, you have three options:

You may choose to change your environment and try to run through the process again. It may be that where you are is too noisy, uncomfortable, hot, cold, etc. and is limiting your ability to actually mentally rehearse your routine. Once you have found a more suitable place or time, go back and repeat the entire process until you get a positive future pace.

One option is to revise your morning routine so that it is more suitable to your needs. You may add activities, alter them, or discard them. You may revisit your feelings and choose different feelings that are more appropriate. Once you revise your routine, go back and repeat the process several times again until you get a positive future pace.

Another option is to revisit your well-formed outcome and make certain that your routine is congruent, or aligned, with who you are – your values, needs, and wants. While dramatic change is possible with this and other NLP techniques, one thing we cannot do is make changes that simply do not fit with who we are. (In order to make those changes, we must work on our values, and that is the topic of another post…).

Remember, the New Behavior Generator can be used to develop just about any behavior you want. The keys to making this work are: 1. Make sure the new behavior matches your values, and who you are; 2. Make sure you are in a place that is suitable for the exercise; 3. As you mentally rehearse, do so in the greatest possible detail; 4. The eye movements are key; 5. Be sure and check with future pacing.

Public speaking is a terrifying experience for many people. In fact, depending on the polls you look at… and believe… the fear of speaking in public is by far the most widespread fear around. It’s also the one thing that most people would least like to do. There is good news, however. Just about everybody can learn to be comfortable with, and even excel at, public speaking. A good beginning is to learn about how those who are great at it already do it. In NLP speak, this is known as modeling.

What are some of the characteristics of brilliant public speakers?

1. The key ingredient to becoming a great public speaker is knowing how to manipulate the audience’s emotions. Brilliant public speakers are able to inspire emotions in their audience, literally captivating them and drawing them into the topic they are covering.

2. Great public speakers find points or areas within their topics that inspire them, and pass along that emotion with their own energy and inspiration. In other words, the speaker is emotionally and intellectually involved in the topic, and expresses his involvement and emotion through his passion and energy. As we have discussed on this blog in the past, energy and emotion are contagious. Brilliant public speakers are aware of the power of their emotion and energy, and tap into it to captivate their audience.

3. Brilliant public speakers focus on the audience more than they do on themselves. They worry less about what they are going to say, and more about the reactions they get from the audience. The feed on audience cues, and adjust their presentations to maximize their emotional impact. They focus attention where it is needed, vary the tonality of their voice, and are fearless in their efforts to transfer their energy to their audience.

4. Effective public speakers deliver their messages in ways that appeal to their audiences. For larger audiences, this means using a variety of modalities – visual, kinesthetic, varying sentence lengths and word selections, and even tactile or olfactory (feel and smell) to maximize their impact on the audience as a whole. For smaller audiences, they do research in advance, and pick up on cues from their audience, and adapt to their preferred modalities for receiving information.

5. Finally, brilliant speakers prepare themselves mentally for presentations. Many use visualization techniques, or dry runs. They visualize how they will present, and how the audience will react. They run through various scenarios and adjustments. They see themselves being confident, knowledgeable, accepted by the audience, and successful.

The fear of public speaking, like many fears, is irrational. In the overwhelming majority of cases, your audience is there to hear what you have to say because they want to be there. With some practice, and some mental preparation, you can become a brilliant public speaker.

Created by Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds NLP, http://www.brilliant-minds.co.uk

This one is a very frequently-quoted Presupposition of NLP, and one that puts us very firmly in a position of responsibility if we choose to accept it.

The underlying principle here is ‘the map is not the territory’. If you read my earlier article on that presupposition you’ll remember how we looked at the way that experiences mean different things to different people. Two people can ‘make sense’ of the same events in very different ways.

Similarly, words can mean different things to different people. What you thought you meant might not be what someone else would understand by what you said. Or to put it another way, the words that you choose to express your thoughts might correspond to some rather different thoughts in someone else’s head.

No word has an absolute meaning. Language develops and changes and the meaning of words can shift over time. What you understand by the words ‘nice’, disinterested’ and ‘gay’ is probably very different from how those same words were understood 200 years ago.

In just the same way, words can have different meanings to people in contemporary times and alternative understandings can be equally valid.

This can be one of the reasons why misunderstandings arise in communication. It is especially true in written communications, because we are deprived of the voice tonality, facial expressions and gestures that would serve to clarify our meaning in a face-to-face encounter.

Now, if you’re one of the people who can spend a lot of time crafting the words in your emails and reports to convey the exact nuance of meaning that you intend, I have some bad news for you. The exact nuance of meaning that you intended to convey is probably lost on the readers of your carefully composed sentences.

Now, this where our presupposition – the meaning of your communication is in the response it gets – comes into play.

Have you ever found yourself saying to someone, “No, that’s not what I meant!” and feeling quite indignant that they have missed the point of your wonderfully articulate email? You have? Well, sorry, but the presupposition says that whatever meaning the listener or reader of your words ascribes to them IS the meaning of your words.

And the meaning of your words can most accurately be identified by observing the reaction to them, because a response in words is subject to all the same vagaries as your original message.

So the meaning of your message is what others understand by your message, not what you intended them to understand. In other words, if you want people to get a particular message, it’s your responsibility to create the understanding in the mind of your listeners/readers, rather than it being their responsibility to figure out what you intended.

To illustrate the point, let me tell you a story:

The Managing Director of a firm I was working with was very proud of his 5-year plan and the clear objectives that he’d identified for each year. As I met different people in the organisation I asked them about the 5-year plan and the current priorities. None were able to tell me what they were. When I relayed this finding back to the Managing Director he snapped, “Well, they should know. I’ve told them.”

It was clear to me, that whatever he intended and thought he had communicated, he actually had communicated nothing. Nobody knew the plan, therefore he had not communicated it.

So what’s the answer? Well, for a start, ask yourself what is the response you want to your communication? To convey your message accurately, it’s usually more effective to give the same message several times, in more than one way. Keep monitoring the response. When you get the response you were looking for, you may be justified in considering that you’ve communicated what you wanted to communicate.

And there again…

Welcome to my first video blog!

Today I am discussing confirmation bias, maps of reality, and how these concepts play into personal development and relationships.

This, and my future videos can also be seen on the ChrisAkinsdotCom YouTube profile.

I hope you enjoy, and hope you will leave some feedback in the comment section!

Re-posted from Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds
http://www.brilliantminds.co.uk

The ‘linguistic’ part of NLP has long been the part of greatest interest to me. After all, there are limited opportunities in the working day to use the Swish Pattern, the Phobia Model or Parts Integration if, like me, you’re not a full-time coach or therapist. But every single day we talk to other people.

We talk to other people to inform them or influence them. We ask questions of other people, we try to persuade them to collaborate, to co-operate or to buy from us. So what could be more important than knowing how to use language to get the result you want?

This is a big topic. (My ‘Leadership through Everyday Conversation’ self-study manual covers the language patterns you’d learn at Practitioner level and it’s hundreds of pages long!) So where to start?

One of the most powerful patterns that you can adopt is easy to learn and simple to use. Simply start telling people what you want, instead of what you don’t want. Effectively, you edit the word ‘don’t’ out of your vocabulary.

You might be wondering why this is so important. Well, if I tell you ‘don’t worry about this, it’s not difficult, it won’t take long’, what are you thinking? You’re probably already thinking that it sounds like a problem. It’s the same principle that means that if someone says to you, “Don’t think about a pink daffodil” you’ll immediately get a picture in your mind’s eye of a just that – a pink daffodil.

It’s much easier to make a mental representation of ‘a pink daffodil’ than of ‘not a pink daffodil’. In fact, it’s almost impossible to make a mental picture of ‘not a pink daffodil’. We need language to create negatives and that adds a second stage to the thinking process and reverses the first stage of the process. It’s almost a mixed message. And not surprisingly, it can generate mixed results.

So, what’s the answer? Stop using ‘don’t’ and ‘not’ and replace them with ‘do’ and ‘is’ or whatever equivalent makes sense in the context. By doing this, you enable the listener to make sense of what you say in one easy step. They have a clear mental representation of what you want.
Here are some examples:
“Don’t worry, it’s not difficult” becomes, “I know you’ll find this easy”
“Don’t forget the meeting tomorrow” becomes, “Remember the meeting tomorrow” or even better, “See you at the meeting tomorrow”.
“Don’t tell the customer that we’ve messed up the order” becomes “Tell the customer that their order is delayed”.

This takes practice. Many of us grew up hearing ‘don’t’ and it’s become a habitual pattern in expressing ourselves. To get out of the habit, practice using positive language when you have time to think about what you want to say, such as when you write an email or prepare a presentation. The rest of the time, let yourself off the hook so that you can retain your usual fluency of expression. The more you practice when you have time to think about it, the more it will become an unconscious pattern in your everyday conversation.

And here are a few examples for you to practice on – have a go at writing an alternative for each of these everyday patterns that use negations:
“You don’t have to work late if you can’t get it all done”
“Don’t tell them everything you know”
“Don’t dominate the discussion”
“It’s not what I wanted”
“No problem!”

If you’d like to develop your skill with language, have a look at the ‘Leadership through Everyday Conversation’ self-study manual.

7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence is my favorite book on NLP so far. Given the dozens of books I have read on the topic, I consider this to be a real accomplishment!

What I like most about this book is that it is not simply a rehash of NLP techniques learned in the standard NLP Practitioner courses offered worldwide. While Merlebvede, Bridoux and Vandamme cover all of the basic principles and techniques of NLP in depth, they take a step further and apply them to developing Emotional Intelligence.

It did not take me long to realize that the authors of 7 Steps are not only well qualified as teachers and practitioners of NLP, but as helping professionals as well. Each has a background in therapy and cognitive science, which explains the depth of explanation of the concepts included in the book.

Despite the depth of knowledge each of these professionals has, they still manage to keep the writing simple and non-technical, relating the concepts of NLP and Emotional Intelligence in a way that the average reader can easily understand.

This is not only a book that I will reference again and again as a hypnotherapist and trainee therapist; it is also a book that I intend to make required reading for the core curriculum of my upcoming LifeSkills training series.

I cannot recommend 7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence highly enough. Get it today and read it cover to cover over the next couple of weeks. You will be glad you did.!

Written by Diane Lowther of Brilliant Minds
(http://www.brilliantminds.net)

1. All motivation is self-motivation. Nobody else can motivate you. What they can do, however, is either support or distract from your own motivational process. Notice whose style adds to your self-motivation and who gets in the way of it. Consider coaching some of the key people in your life in how to enhance your self-motivation or in how not to derail your motivation
2. Very few people can perform at their best all day. Keep track of the times of day when you are mentally most alert, when you are most communicative and when you are most creative. Wherever possible plan to spend time doing the kind of task that comes easily at that time. This avoids wasting energy to motivate yourself to go against your natural inclinations.
3. If there a task you must do that doesn’t appeal to you and keeps getting put off, ask yourself, ‘What will it do for me when I’ve completed this?’ Focus on the bigger picture, rather than the actual task and you may find that it’s easier to get it done.
4. If you work well to deadlines (or to put it another way, you tend to leave things to the last minute!) then make life easier by keeping your diary clear in the run-up to important deadlines. That way you can focus on the work that has to be done for the deadline and not be distracted by other projects until it’s finished.
5. Take regular breaks. You probably know this, but do you do it? The natural rhythm of brain and body means that few people can focus on the same thing in the same way for more than about 45 minutes. When you start to feel restless, that’s a good indicator that it’s time for a change of pace for a few minutes. Check your email or make a phone call or get a glass of water and then you may be surprised how easy it is to return to your original task.
6. Set yourself clear goals – long term, short term, weekly, daily. Having clear outcomes is the greatest aid to motivation. The NLP well-formed outcomes pattern is probably the most useful aspect of NLP in all situations. Practice it until you can’t not do it.
7. Stimulate your brain. Low motivation often comes from the stress of boredom and lack of opportunity to achieve something new. Exposure to new ideas and different perspectives can create a new level of engagement with familiar tasks by prompting you to review your purpose, revise your approach or raise your standards.