One of the presuppositions of NLP is that the meaning of a communication is in the way it is received. I posted a guest post from Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds on this presupposition back in June of this year, but think it is worth visiting again. It is that important.

But, in this post I am going to approach the topic from a different direction than Dianne. In her post, Dianne explained in some detail how this presupposition works. (I highly recommend reading her post. Just click on any one of the links). In this post, I am going to describe some specific ways to ensure that our messages are understood.

The role of empathy

This presupposition is a simple way of saying that we must take responsibility for how we attempt to communicate a message. When we wish to convey a particular message and it is misinterpreted, we often blame the recipient for misunderstanding. We get defensive and even blaming, and arguments happen.

Fundamentally, the reason for the conflict and misunderstanding that comes from “miscommunication,” indeed, the reason for miscommunication itself, is typically because empathy is lacking in both the transmitter and the receiver of the message.

When we communicate without empathy, we are transmitting without any regard or consideration to the needs of our intended receiver. Often times people will try and justify this lack of empathy by saying they prefer to “tell it like it is,” or to “be direct.” The true motive behind this desire to “be direct” is to force our message on somebody else, with little regard to how they may interpret or receive it. After all, if we really want to be understood, why would we not want to tailor our message to the recipient? This “being direct” is a fundamentally selfish way of communicating.

Likewise, it is impossible to accurately receive a message without empathy. Think about active listening as an example. It is simply not possibly to engage in active listening – to give somebody your total attention, and show genuine interest in what the other is trying to say, without empathy. In fact, a fundamental part of active listening is to connect with the sender, and repeat back his or her message in our own words to confirm our own understanding.

By definition, we cannot form such a connection and understanding without empathizing.

So why does the sender hold the primary responsibility for the way a message is received?

I’ve just said that lack of empathy on both sides of a communication is the reason why misunderstandings and the resulting conflicts happen. That being the case, you may be wondering why it is that the sender has the responsibility for ensuring his or her message is accurately received.

It simple. The sender starts the cycle, and understands (hopefully) the meaning of the message being conveyed. The receiver cannot possibly understand the meaning unless the sender conveys it. Therefore, the sender is the only person that can logically be responsible.

Furthermore, if the sender places his own need to validate himself, or to “be direct,” or “tell it like it is,” over the way a message is received or how it is interpreted, there can be no empathy conveyed, and the message will more than likely generate a violent (not in the physical sense… hopefully) reaction.

By following the guidelines below, we can communicate with empathy and in a nonviolent manner, and ensure our messages are understood:

Be aware of your objective. The sender is the only person who can know the meaning of any communication before it is sent. If the sender does not know what meaning she wants to convey, then how can the receiver possibly understand it?

It is also necessary that the sender understand “why” he wants to send the message in the first place. Is the intent constructive, or antagonistic? Antagonism rarely gets the results we want… at least in the long term. It is possible to communicate anger in ways that actually achieve positive results and get your needs met. Simply being argumentative damages relationships and ensures your real message – e.g. the need you want to have met – is not received.

Avoid vague language. This is not the same as “being direct” in the sense most people understand it. What avoiding vague language means is to speak plainly, but with empathy, and in a way your receiver can understand and accept.

As we’ve already learned, understanding without empathy is simply not possibly. When choosing your language you want to convey your needs, as well as concern for the receiver, otherwise your message will almost certainly create defensiveness in the recipient, and you are likely to simply end up in a conflict of competing needs.

Be honest about your needs. We all want to have their needs met. And when they aren’t met, we typically get resentful. As resentment builds, empathy departs. And (again) without empathy effective communication is simply not possible.

The time to communicate your needs is before this cycle sets in. It is best to be honest about your needs while you can also be empathic and sensitive to your recipient’s needs as well.

Communicate in the positive. Use positive language when communicating. By doing this you will find it much easier to convey empathy, and frame your message in a nonviolent manner.

Abolish “but” from your vocabulary. A simple yet powerful way to make your language more positive is by replacing any “but” statements with “and” statements. For example, notice the difference between,

“I really want to work this out with you, but I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

And

“I really want to work this out with you, and I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

The messages being sent are subtly different. The “but” statement implies an “either, or” situation. Either we work this out, or I get my needs met.

By replacing “but” with “and,” you imply that both conditions can be met; you just don’t know how…. yet.

Get feedback and confirmation. A great way to ensure the meaning of your message is actually being conveyed is to ask. Again, doing so with empathy will usually result in genuine attempts at understanding. Doing so without empathy results in conflict.

Request, don’t demand. We cannot force anybody to do what we want, at least not for the long term. However, when we request something from somebody else with empathy, we usually generate a genuine desire within them to help.

Even if they cannot do what we are asking, they will most likely work with us to find another way to meet our needs.

When we demand, we generate resentment and resistance, and rarely get our needs met.

You hopefully noticed that empathy is the key ingredient of successful communications, and that empathy must be present from the very beginning, in the message being communicated. Given this, it should also be obvious that the sender is the only person that can be responsible for the way his or her message is received.

A message delivered with empathy will show concern for the needs of the recipients as well as the senders. It will be crafted in a way that the recipient can understand. And the sender will clarify understanding, and if necessary, change the way the message is crafted to ensure understanding.

Public speaking is a terrifying experience for many people. In fact, depending on the polls you look at… and believe… the fear of speaking in public is by far the most widespread fear around. It’s also the one thing that most people would least like to do. There is good news, however. Just about everybody can learn to be comfortable with, and even excel at, public speaking. A good beginning is to learn about how those who are great at it already do it. In NLP speak, this is known as modeling.

What are some of the characteristics of brilliant public speakers?

1. The key ingredient to becoming a great public speaker is knowing how to manipulate the audience’s emotions. Brilliant public speakers are able to inspire emotions in their audience, literally captivating them and drawing them into the topic they are covering.

2. Great public speakers find points or areas within their topics that inspire them, and pass along that emotion with their own energy and inspiration. In other words, the speaker is emotionally and intellectually involved in the topic, and expresses his involvement and emotion through his passion and energy. As we have discussed on this blog in the past, energy and emotion are contagious. Brilliant public speakers are aware of the power of their emotion and energy, and tap into it to captivate their audience.

3. Brilliant public speakers focus on the audience more than they do on themselves. They worry less about what they are going to say, and more about the reactions they get from the audience. The feed on audience cues, and adjust their presentations to maximize their emotional impact. They focus attention where it is needed, vary the tonality of their voice, and are fearless in their efforts to transfer their energy to their audience.

4. Effective public speakers deliver their messages in ways that appeal to their audiences. For larger audiences, this means using a variety of modalities – visual, kinesthetic, varying sentence lengths and word selections, and even tactile or olfactory (feel and smell) to maximize their impact on the audience as a whole. For smaller audiences, they do research in advance, and pick up on cues from their audience, and adapt to their preferred modalities for receiving information.

5. Finally, brilliant speakers prepare themselves mentally for presentations. Many use visualization techniques, or dry runs. They visualize how they will present, and how the audience will react. They run through various scenarios and adjustments. They see themselves being confident, knowledgeable, accepted by the audience, and successful.

The fear of public speaking, like many fears, is irrational. In the overwhelming majority of cases, your audience is there to hear what you have to say because they want to be there. With some practice, and some mental preparation, you can become a brilliant public speaker.

Created by Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds NLP, http://www.brilliant-minds.co.uk

This one is a very frequently-quoted Presupposition of NLP, and one that puts us very firmly in a position of responsibility if we choose to accept it.

The underlying principle here is ‘the map is not the territory’. If you read my earlier article on that presupposition you’ll remember how we looked at the way that experiences mean different things to different people. Two people can ‘make sense’ of the same events in very different ways.

Similarly, words can mean different things to different people. What you thought you meant might not be what someone else would understand by what you said. Or to put it another way, the words that you choose to express your thoughts might correspond to some rather different thoughts in someone else’s head.

No word has an absolute meaning. Language develops and changes and the meaning of words can shift over time. What you understand by the words ‘nice’, disinterested’ and ‘gay’ is probably very different from how those same words were understood 200 years ago.

In just the same way, words can have different meanings to people in contemporary times and alternative understandings can be equally valid.

This can be one of the reasons why misunderstandings arise in communication. It is especially true in written communications, because we are deprived of the voice tonality, facial expressions and gestures that would serve to clarify our meaning in a face-to-face encounter.

Now, if you’re one of the people who can spend a lot of time crafting the words in your emails and reports to convey the exact nuance of meaning that you intend, I have some bad news for you. The exact nuance of meaning that you intended to convey is probably lost on the readers of your carefully composed sentences.

Now, this where our presupposition – the meaning of your communication is in the response it gets – comes into play.

Have you ever found yourself saying to someone, “No, that’s not what I meant!” and feeling quite indignant that they have missed the point of your wonderfully articulate email? You have? Well, sorry, but the presupposition says that whatever meaning the listener or reader of your words ascribes to them IS the meaning of your words.

And the meaning of your words can most accurately be identified by observing the reaction to them, because a response in words is subject to all the same vagaries as your original message.

So the meaning of your message is what others understand by your message, not what you intended them to understand. In other words, if you want people to get a particular message, it’s your responsibility to create the understanding in the mind of your listeners/readers, rather than it being their responsibility to figure out what you intended.

To illustrate the point, let me tell you a story:

The Managing Director of a firm I was working with was very proud of his 5-year plan and the clear objectives that he’d identified for each year. As I met different people in the organisation I asked them about the 5-year plan and the current priorities. None were able to tell me what they were. When I relayed this finding back to the Managing Director he snapped, “Well, they should know. I’ve told them.”

It was clear to me, that whatever he intended and thought he had communicated, he actually had communicated nothing. Nobody knew the plan, therefore he had not communicated it.

So what’s the answer? Well, for a start, ask yourself what is the response you want to your communication? To convey your message accurately, it’s usually more effective to give the same message several times, in more than one way. Keep monitoring the response. When you get the response you were looking for, you may be justified in considering that you’ve communicated what you wanted to communicate.

And there again…

Last weekend my wife and I took our (now) 11 month old daughter to see her great grandma. My mother also decided to make the trip with us. While we often visit Great Grandma, and we see my mother nearly every day, it really never dawns on me how great these visits are. We sort of take them for granted. But this visit was different, because we are moving to Ohio in just a couple of days to take advantage of an opportunity that, frankly, is too good to pass up.

Maybe our impending departure is why I really became attuned to one of the reasons our visits to Great Grandma are always so great… the conversation. Although Great Grandma is getting up in years, she is still a joy to be around, partly because she is a great conversationalist. And the rapport between her and my mother is something to behold. It is simply contagious. I guess I could sum it all up as she is always “present.”

It’s just so easy to get engaged in the conversations, even though they really aren’t about much that is important. We never talk about the wars, or the economy… and we generally stay away from politics and religion. We just talk about “stuff,” like the garden, or what makes a good RV, or how to knit a wool cap, or Great Grandma’s childhood, or just about anything that most people reading this may think is terribly mundane. But I pose that its not the topic that makes the conversation great… its the casual rapport that seems to just form between Great Grandma and anybody else in the room.

So how does she do it? I really cannot say definitively. But I notice that she almost always has a smile on her face, and she really engages people. She seems to really want to hear what you have to say. She doesn’t talk “at” you, but allows you to take part, and even say things she doesn’t agree with. She doesn’t judge, even when she may not agree. And the metaphors and stories from her past that she uses to make her points are always appropriate and entertaining.

Through her nearly decades of experience she has really learned the art of casual conversation. It’s too bad that the art is nearly a lost art…

So how are your conversations?

Re-posted from Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds
http://www.brilliantminds.co.uk

The ‘linguistic’ part of NLP has long been the part of greatest interest to me. After all, there are limited opportunities in the working day to use the Swish Pattern, the Phobia Model or Parts Integration if, like me, you’re not a full-time coach or therapist. But every single day we talk to other people.

We talk to other people to inform them or influence them. We ask questions of other people, we try to persuade them to collaborate, to co-operate or to buy from us. So what could be more important than knowing how to use language to get the result you want?

This is a big topic. (My ‘Leadership through Everyday Conversation’ self-study manual covers the language patterns you’d learn at Practitioner level and it’s hundreds of pages long!) So where to start?

One of the most powerful patterns that you can adopt is easy to learn and simple to use. Simply start telling people what you want, instead of what you don’t want. Effectively, you edit the word ‘don’t’ out of your vocabulary.

You might be wondering why this is so important. Well, if I tell you ‘don’t worry about this, it’s not difficult, it won’t take long’, what are you thinking? You’re probably already thinking that it sounds like a problem. It’s the same principle that means that if someone says to you, “Don’t think about a pink daffodil” you’ll immediately get a picture in your mind’s eye of a just that – a pink daffodil.

It’s much easier to make a mental representation of ‘a pink daffodil’ than of ‘not a pink daffodil’. In fact, it’s almost impossible to make a mental picture of ‘not a pink daffodil’. We need language to create negatives and that adds a second stage to the thinking process and reverses the first stage of the process. It’s almost a mixed message. And not surprisingly, it can generate mixed results.

So, what’s the answer? Stop using ‘don’t’ and ‘not’ and replace them with ‘do’ and ‘is’ or whatever equivalent makes sense in the context. By doing this, you enable the listener to make sense of what you say in one easy step. They have a clear mental representation of what you want.
Here are some examples:
“Don’t worry, it’s not difficult” becomes, “I know you’ll find this easy”
“Don’t forget the meeting tomorrow” becomes, “Remember the meeting tomorrow” or even better, “See you at the meeting tomorrow”.
“Don’t tell the customer that we’ve messed up the order” becomes “Tell the customer that their order is delayed”.

This takes practice. Many of us grew up hearing ‘don’t’ and it’s become a habitual pattern in expressing ourselves. To get out of the habit, practice using positive language when you have time to think about what you want to say, such as when you write an email or prepare a presentation. The rest of the time, let yourself off the hook so that you can retain your usual fluency of expression. The more you practice when you have time to think about it, the more it will become an unconscious pattern in your everyday conversation.

And here are a few examples for you to practice on – have a go at writing an alternative for each of these everyday patterns that use negations:
“You don’t have to work late if you can’t get it all done”
“Don’t tell them everything you know”
“Don’t dominate the discussion”
“It’s not what I wanted”
“No problem!”

If you’d like to develop your skill with language, have a look at the ‘Leadership through Everyday Conversation’ self-study manual.

The meaning of a communication is in the way it is received. This is one of the Presuppositions of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and was a very difficult one for me to accept at first. However, as with many of the premises of NLP, they seem to grow on you and begin make more sense over time.

When we wish to convey a particular message and it is not interpreted in the way we wish, we often blame the recipient for not understanding. When you think about it… really think about it, such blame does not make much sense. In doing so we are setting an unrealistic expectation for the recipient. We are essentially expecting that the recipient will read our minds, and interpret our words in the same way we interpret them.

If the message we are trying to convey is an important one, we must accept responsibility for ensuring it is received and interpreted in the manner we intend. Doing so requires a great deal of care and skill.

Here are six ways we can ensure our message is understood:

1. Be aware of your objective. What are you trying to communicate? What is the purpose? What are the key points? How do you wish the recipient to interpret the communication? All of these are important for you to understand. After all, if you don’t know the answers to these questions, how can the recipient?

2. Avoid vague language. It is important, particularly when attempting to communicate a complex or difficult message, to use precise language. Choosing words that convey the precise meaning you are looking for may mean taking more time to think before you transmit, but can be well worth it. Using vague language leaves room for misinterpretations and misunderstandings, and may yield unexpected results.

3. Be honest about your own needs. When we are communicating with others we are typically seeking to have a need fulfilled. The need may be practical, such as getting a piece of information from someone, or it may be to have a deeper emotional need satisfied. If we are not clear or hones about our own needs when we are communicating we may convey unwanted or unhelpful messages such as confusion, frustration, impatience or even anger as our needs go unmet.

4. Communicate in the positive. Sometimes the best way to get somebody to do something is to tell them not to do it. When we communicate what we don’t want we may send unwanted subconscious cues to our recipients that attract their attention to the unwanted results instead of the result we actually want. Requests framed in the negative; e.g. “don’t do…” – may also set a negative tone to the conversation.

It is usually best to frame communications in the positive to clearly communicate the desired effect or need you want to convey. For instance, instead of saying “Don’t forget to pick up the laundry,” it is better to say, “Please remember to pick up the laundry.” The second phrase is positive, and avoids the potential conveyance of the subliminal command to actually forget the laundry.

5. Get feedback or confirmation of the message. Sometimes we are not certain how our message is being received. During these times, particularly if the message is critical or very important, it is advisable to get feedback or confirmation of the message. A simple question like, “Can you tell me what you think I meant by what I said?” can go a long way towards understanding how the recipient is interpreting your message. You may also ask something like, “How does what I said make you feel?” can give you insight into the impact your message is having on the recipient. If you want an opinion on your message, you may ask, “Can you tell me what you think about what I’ve said?”

All of these types of questions can give you insights and valuable information into how your message is being received and interpreted, as well as offer opportunities for clarification. However, the questions must be delivered appropriately to ensure they do not generate defensiveness. When asking for feedback or confirmation, you must do so with genuine intent and sincerity. Any hint of animosity or sarcasm will most likely result in a constructive response.

6. Request, don’t demand. Coercion may work in the short term, but it almost inevitably leads to rebellion in the long term. The best way to get your needs met is to request, not demand. Unfortunately, we sometimes make demands without intending to, or even being aware we are doing it.

The litmus test for whether we are making a demand or a request is to evaluate the consequences of the recipient not accepting it. If there are consequences for the request’s denial – emotional, physical, or otherwise , we are not making a request. We are making a demand.

There are a lot of books on communication out there.  This is not surprising given the role communication plays in our lives.  Think about it:  whether it’s verbal or nonverbal, what could we possibly accomplish without effective communication? Our species owes our ability to organize, to learn, even to survive on our ability to convey our thoughts, ideas and facts.  Our ability to communicate with each other is why we are at the top of the food chain.

Nonviolent Communications: Language of Life is one of the best books on communication I have read.  For many readers it may seem to start out in the clouds, with all of the talk about feelings, compassion and empathy, but stick with it and the reasons for this emphasis become clear in a dynamic method of communication that works.

One of the premises of nonviolent communication (NVC) is that our daily communications are typically characterized by demands, judgments, and diagnoses.  Such communication separates us from recognizing our needs, and blocks our ability to empathize with and understand the needs of others.  The result is we tend to communicate in terms of what is “right” and what is “wrong.”  This form of communication usually leads to frustration, misunderstandings, anger, depression and even violence.

NVC seeks to remove judgments from our communications, and enhance empathy and understanding of our needs and of the needs of those we communicate with.  Dr. Rosenberg outlines a four part NVC process that focuses on our observations, feelings, needs and requests.  This process is facilitated by expressing ourselves honestly through the four part process, and receiving messages from our counterparts empathically through the process. 

After discussing the NVC process and its components in detail, and how using the process can enhance our communications with others, Dr. Rosenberg then turns to discussing how we can apply the same processes to our own internal talk, or thinking processes, to make significant personal changes. 

I must admit, even as a mental health professional in training, it took me a few pages to really see the practicality of the NVC process.  I could immediately see the applications of NVC in the therapy room, but some of the concepts seemed a bit “unreal” to me at first.  But as I continued to read I began to understand  how powerful NVC could be in our daily lives.  In a lot of ways, the NVC process follows the simple pattern introduced by Covey many years ago – “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  The difference is, Dr. Rosenberg expands on this premise to provide an actual process and means of doing so. 

I highly recommend Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.

Most of us have come in contact with a person who is irrational, irritable, upset, angry, suspicious… just really awkward to deal with. This may be a regular occurrence with some people, or it could be a one time experience with someone you don’t really know. Regardless, there is a way to manage the situation, keep it from boiling over, and at the same time effectively get your point across and achieve a reasonable outcome.

So how do you communicate with someone who simply doesn’t want to listen to what you have to say? Well, there are options. The first option is to ask yourself if you really need to get through to this person. If the answer is no, then perhaps you just remove yourself from the person and leave the situation. Life is too short…

BUT, if it is important that you remain engaged, then you may employ the “SET” system. SET – an acronym for “Support Empathy Truth” – was first developed by mental exhibit volatile and unpredictable behaviors. If SET can work for these patients; it can work for just about anybody.

So here is how SET works

The first stage of the SET system is Support. In this stage we make a statement to the person showing our personal concern for the situation or behavior.

For example, let’s say you are in an argument with your significant other. He or she is very upset about a business trip you have to take. It’s clear that this is about to turn into a full blown argument. Using the SET method, you may start by making a statement such as:

“I am sincerely concerned for how you are feeling about this.”

The “S” statement is focused on your feelings, not the other person’s.

After making the S statement move to the Empathy stage. During this stage you are trying to acknowledge the feelings of the other person. Do not confuse this with sympathizing. So instead of conveying that you feel sorry for the other person, you are simply attempting to acknowledge their point of view. You may make a statement such as:

“I can see you are very upset, and it seems that you feel like I am placing my job over you.”

Be certain that you deliver the statement in a caring, but neutral manner. Also, avoid inserting your own feelings into the statement. This statement is about the way the other person is feeling or behaving. If you say something like “I understand how you feel…” or “I know how you feel…” you may further inflame the conversation.

Finally, you conclude the method with the “T” stage. During this stage you are making a statement of fact about the situation, or a Truth statement. The point of the Truth statement is not to impose your will or “win” the argument, but to demonstrate that the other person’s feelings are his own, and that he is responsible solely responsible for his behaviors.

The Truth statement is focused on the problem and its resolution, not on either your or the other person’s feelings. There are many different possibilities, but any response must be focused entirely on the situation, should not be emotionally charged, and should be delivered in a non-aggressive, genuine, matter-of-fact manner.

In this instance, an appropriate Truth statement in the above situation may be:

“I must go on this trip because it’s important for our family that I do well in this job. If I do not go on this trip I may get fired, and in this economy may not find another job for some time. But here is what I can do. After this trip I will tell my boss that I cannot travel for another two or three months, and then we can take a week’s vacation together.”

In this series of statements you are stating the situation and the consequences of not going on the trip, and offering a solution to cut back on travel and focus on the relationship in the future.

Why use SET?

While the SET system has proven useful in the most intense situations, it is not a magic bullet that will resolve all conflict. Indeed, SET is not necessarily intended to resolve conflict, as much as it is to maintain reasonable boundaries between you and the person you are dealing with.

Maintaining boundaries is important in intense situations for many reasons. The most immediate in any argument is to control the situation and not let it get further out of control. It may seem counter-intuitive, but when we maintain rational boundaries with irrate people we are better able to contain and mitigate their anger. By using the SET system and delivering the messages in a rational, non-aggressive and non-confrontational manner we should be able to manage most situations.

Another important reason to maintain boundaries with difficult or irrational people is to establish the nature of the relationship. People who can establish and maintain firm and reasonable boundaries build trust and respect with others. Perhaps by effectively using the SET system you may avoid future conflict with the same individual.

What if it doesn’t work?

If you are in a situation where the SET system does not seem to be defusing the situation, it is still important that you maintain the message, and be prepared to walk away and come back another time.

In normal situations you may simply be able to repeat the SET message, perhaps using different language, until the other party sees that you are being rational and want to work the situation out. When doing this do not change the message as it may confuse the other person. Simply repeat the same message until the other person is in a position to have a rational conversation.

If after numerous attempts it does not appear the other person will be able to accept the message or have a rational conversation it may be best to suggest talking about the situation again at a later time when you are both more calm. When making this statement it is important that you do not suggest blame for not being able to resolve or discuss the situation.

One way to do this is to repeat the “S” and “E” messages again, but change the “T” message to something like:

“It doesn’t seem we can fix this right now. I think we should leave it for now, and talk about it later after we’ve had more time to think about it.”

You may encounter resistance, but if you remain calmly assertive you should be able to remove yourself from the situation until you can have a rational conversation.

Some final (but important) points

When dealing with angry, difficult or irrational people it is very important to deliver a consistent message. The Truth statement, for instance, must actually be true. So in the example above, you can expect that the spouse will indeed be expected to carry out his promise of reducing travel and taking that vacation.

Likewise, if you make a Truth statement stating consequences for a behavior, you must be prepared to carry those consequences out.

Delivery is key. There is no method I know of that can be effective in resolving conflict or negotiating a settlement if both parties are thinking emotionally. Since you have no control over the other person’s emotions it is up to you to maintain an engaged but rational state even when dealing with someone who is clearly angry or otherwise irrational. You must deliver your SET statements in a caring but matter of fact manner if the system is to work, and you must keep these statement consistent throughout the ordeal.

I have used the SET system with patients who have been in emotional or psychological crisis. I have also used the same system with business clients in negotiations, and even with my wife (don’t tell her!). SET is not the only system available for these situations, but it is relatively easy to learn, and it works.