We all have one… a monkey mind. What is it? It is the phenomenon of the uncontrolled, unquiet mind. The mind that is constantly bombarded with thoughts of every kind. Sometimes the thoughts are related, and a lot of times they are not. In fact, when we are not actively engaged in some specific activity that requires concentration – and sometimes even when we are – many of our thoughts are random. And there are lots of thoughts!

And these are just the thoughts we are aware of! (See my blog post on unconscious thoughts).

Why is monkey mind bad?

Many (most?) people live their entire lives with a monkey mind. Some people have such a bad case of monkey mind that they cannot focus, or become overly anxious about everything. In the extremes monkey mind can cause mental illness, lack of sleep, irritability, and general lack of direction in life.

But for most of us, the effects of monkey mind are not as extreme as that. We may loose sleep occasionally as we worry about how our boss will react to a presentation we did, or about an argument we had with a spouse or good friend, or about a major life decision. But we typically don’t obsess for very long on anything, so the fluid movement of our minds from one topic to the next may happen without our even noticing.

Still, even this unconscious stream of thought can have effects on our attitudes, beliefs, motivations, and path in life. (Lots of links here that should be useful to understanding how the unconscious mind, beliefs, and motivations affect the way we think and live our lives – I highly recommend you check them out).

How can you tame the monkey mind?

Taming monkey mind is simple… but not easy. All you have to do is learn to quite your thoughts. Simple. Then again, Buddhist monks spend their entire lives trying to do just this, and most never really succeed totally. But the good news is that total victory is not required to really improve your life. So here are some possibilities:

1. Learn to accept the monkey in your mind. One of the problems with monkey mind is that we tend to pay attention to all those thoughts, judge them, and let them play with our emotions. Once we do this, they are likely to cascade into even more thoughts, and the monkey mind starts to really play. One way to get over this problem is to simply acknowledge thoughts that are not relevant in the present moment, and let them pass without judgment or too much attention.

2. Be calm… learn to meditate. If you have read my blog at all you probably know I am a big fan of meditation. Well, there is actually a ton of research (literally) that supports the claims that meditation (specifically mindfulness meditation and transcendental meditation) significantly effects the continuity of our thoughts. What I mean by this is that regular meditation helps us focus our thoughts. One possibility of how this happens, shown on EEG’s (measurements of electrical activity in the brain) is that meditation actually synchs up the different regions of the brain responsible for working memory, meaning that the brains activities become more focused on the tasks or problems at hand.

Regardless, regular mediation can have profound affects on how we think and respond to our worlds. I highly recommend looking into it!

3. Eat right and exercise. The mind-body link is undeniable. Even MD’s that once discarded the power of the mind over physical well being are now coming around and accepting holistic practices. One of the key findings in the “new medicine” is that our diet, and our physical fitness, seriously influence the way we think and react to things that happen to and around us.

I think it really comes down to chemistry. We know that exercise releases neurochemicals in the brain that are related to mood and concentration. We also know that exercise and diet regulate our blood chemistry. Anybody who has had a low blood sugar attack knows how blood chemistry can affect our moods and ability to think in a coherent way. So look at your diet, and get your body moving. You will be amazed at how much doing these two things can help tame the monkey mind.

So these are three possible ways to tame the monkey mind. There are no doubt many others. Please share your ideas!

We all deal with some form of interpersonal conflict occasionally. Depending on our situation, we may deal with it daily or even more often. We may have problems with a boss or co-worker. Perhaps stress is causing conflict with out spouse or children. Maybe we are going through a difficult time with a friend. Interpersonal conflict comes in many forms, but it is almost always uncomfortable for us.

When we are faced with a conflict in a relationship, whether its work, friendship, intimate, family… whatever the relationship may be, we basically have three choices on how to deal with it.

We can choose to become defensive and attack the other person. This happens when we either project our own negative feelings about ourselves onto the other person, or genuinely feel that the other person is mostly to blame. In these situations we generally proclaim our innocence, or at least minimize our guilt, then make harsh remarks about the other person. Generally these remarks are personal, such as attacks on the person’s character or motives.

The result of this option is that we run the very real risk of damaging the relationship. In the heat of the moment we may say things that, even if we don’t mean them, we can never take back. Or, even if our attacks aren’t that aggressive, over time they do accumulate and have a lasting affect on the relationship.

The second option is to avoid or deny this situation. Perhaps we are either tired of an ongoing conflict, or are afraid of the potential consequences of discussing the issue, so we either minimize it or deny it altogether. We put it off and hope it just goes away. The problem is that most often issues that cause conflict in relationships do not go away, they grow until they are resolved or at least discussed. And the longer the conversation is avoided, the harder it becomes to have it.

The final, and best, option is to discuss the issue in a way that genuinely seeks to connect with the other person and find a solution, or at least an understanding. Doing this requires some courage and skill. Courage is required because this solution requires you to self-disclose, or to talk about your feelings and how the situation is affecting you. Skill is required because when discussing the issue, you must be able to empathize with the other person and voice your concerns without criticizing or defending. (Either would mean you are using Option 1 or 2, after all).

The benefit of choosing this final option is that if you do it the right way, instead of potentially damaging the relationship, you actually end up making it stronger. You show the other person that you value the relationship enough to make yourself vulnerable through self-disclosure, and to genuinely empathize with him or her to understand their point of view.

Admittedly, this is not an easy skill to learn for most of us. So I recommend that if you are interested in learning how to really make your relationships… all of them… more meaningful and stronger, pick up John Gottman’s book, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships.

One of the most challenging and rewarding accomplishments we can achieve is finding our own voice, or finding our own identity. We are constantly bombarded by the expectations of others, whether they are through cultural conditioning, family expectations, peer pressure, or the even the media.

We are expected to be a certain way, to adopt certain values, to view the world from a particular perspective, etc. etc. etc. And to make things even more challenging, these expectations are often contradictory. For instance, our society places value on individualism, yet we are encouraged to be team players at work. We say that we value progress, but we fight hard against change. We claim to value diversity, yet we generally socialize and interact with those that are most like ourselves.

So in the face of the external expectations and their contradictions, how do we actually establish our own voice? And why even bother? Why not “go along to get along?”

The importance of self identity

Establishing self identity is fundamental to becoming a mentally healthy and independent person. While it is important to be open to positive influences from outside oneself, it is equally important to be able to determine which of those influences are indeed positive and aligned with ones own values.

When a person has a strong sense of self he or she is less prone to negative influences by peers and the development of destructive habits such as addiction, negative self talk, volatility, engaging in negative relationships, etc. The resulting ability to choose for oneself his or her own values, how to act and how to interpret to one’s environment is a prerequisite for finding one’s own purpose in life. And finding purpose is the precursor to finding happiness despite one’s environment.

Think about it. Think about the people who are the happiest. They are typically those who follow their own paths and are doing the things they enjoy the most. They have cast away the definitions of success that our society teaches them. They define success in their own ways, in accordance with their own values.

Whereas when you look at the average 9-5er sitting in cubicle, or even an office, you don’t often see a happy person. You see a person striving to meet societies standards for success, to achieve the things that he or she is “supposed” to achieve.

There are exceptions, of course. Jack Welch looks pretty content. He seems to have found his calling at GE… but I would suggest it is not the money that made him happy, but the thrill of building GE into one of the largest and most successful businesses in the world.

Now think about all of the people you know who chose to start smoking, or doing drugs, or worse, in high school because they wanted to fit in, or be “cool.” How many of those people, now adults, deeply regret their addictions and would give almost anything to be free of them?

When we do not have a strong sense of self identity – when we don’t have our own voice – we are often lead down paths that we later regret, and sometimes it is very difficult to go back and correct our course.

Steps to take to find your own voice

Finding your own voice begins with self reflection and self awareness. Here are some activities that can help you begin the process.

Run a diagnostic. take stock of where you are at in life –right now. Look deep inside and ask yourself if you are on the right path. Are you fulfilled in your life? Are you truly happy? Why or why not? Are you living your dream, as opposed to a dream created for you by someone else?

Examine your core values. Which values are actually your own, and which have been handed down to you by others, such as your family, friends, or school? Do the values that have been handed down to you truly resonate with you? Do they make sense? What purpose or role do they serve in your life? Can you truly strive to live by them?

Make a plan. If your life is not perfect (which it usually is not), what could you do to make it better? Using the Well-Formed Outcome exercise is often helpful in clarifying goals and plans.

Take action. What steps can you take, today, that will set you towards the right path? Again, the Well-Formed Outcomes exercise may help.

Repeat regularly. Finding your own voice, and personal development in general, is not a one time activity. It is an ongoing process. Continuously evaluating your life, improving your self awareness, understanding your values, and establishing goals that fulfill you is a life long endeavor. It is a journey.

I was very disturbed to hear of the attack at Fort Hood, Texas.  At first I assumed it was a disturbed soldier who was undergoing treatment for PTSD or some other mental illness.  This would not have made the attack any more palatable, but it would have offered a reason or explanation that I could rationalize and accept.

But when I discovered that the shooter was in fact a Major in the U.S. Army, and a psychiatrist as well, I was simply left numb.  As a veteran, and as someone who is training to enter into the mental health profession, I simply could not reconcile how a field grade officer and a psychiatrist could open fire on unarmed fellow soldiers and civilians.  What went wrong?

As more information is released about the Nidal Malik Hasan a disturbing picture is developing of a man who was both incredibly conflicted by the role he accepted as a US Army officer, and by his faith as a Muslim. He was also traumatized by the deaths of his parents, and reportedly harassed by others in the community for his faith.  While these circumstances may explain his desire to leave the Army, or his self isolation, they do not account for his act of mass murder.

A more likely explanation, which seems to be supported by his actions prior to the shootings, is that his internal conflict and the trauma of his parents deaths combined with his immersion into his religion to create a system of beliefs that motivated him to commit mass murder and suicide.

We do not know what, precisely, these beliefs were (or are, as he survived the incident), but we can make some educated guesses about their nature:

There appears to have been a sense of hopelessness in Hasan’s thinking, perhaps brought on by his inability to secure an early release from his military obligation.  Feeling stuck in the Army, and therefore in the internal conflict between service to country and service to God, Hasan may have felt it necessary to choose between the two and take drastic action.

This feeling of hopelessness may have been fueled by the harassment he reportedly received for being Muslim, and by what he seems to have perceived as an unjust war against his religion.

In short, Hasan’s reality, created by his beliefs and perceptions, could have painted a world in which he was in a hopeless situation.  He was internally conflicted, felt harassed, and perceived his religion and his identity as being under assault. 

Motivated by belief

The shooting at Fort Hood is an example of how our beliefs can distort our realities, leading to catastrophic results. 

Even though we cannot say for certain that the picture I have painted above is accurate, it is safe to say that Hasan was living in a reality where the best option available to him was a suicide attack on the largest U.S. Army base in the world.

Many in the US will jump to the conclusion that Islam is to blame, and perhaps there will be a backlash against Muslims in the military and elsewhere.  These actions will only serve to fuel the circle of hatred that may have been at the heart of this attack, and of other terrorist attacks worldwide. 

This cycle is reinforced by beliefs about the motivations and natures of Islam and Christianity.  Muslims believe the War on Terror is a war against Islam, and Christians believe that terrorist attacks on the West are aimed at destroying the Christian way of life.  Taken to the next extreme, Christians may begin to believe that all Muslims are terrorists, and Muslims may begin to believe that all Christians are murderers seeking to overrun the Islamic Holy Lands.

Islam is in fact a beautiful religion that preaches brotherhood and peace.  It is far more tolerant of other religions than Christianity.  Yet, this peaceful and tolerant religion is used by radicals and militants to justify the most atrocious of acts.  And many Christians are now viewing a geopolitical conflict in a religious light as well.

Such is the power, and danger, of belief.  The beliefs on both sides use religions, which preach peace and goodwill to fellow humans, as justifications for war and atrocity.

So how do we stop the cycle? 

Heartfelt beliefs tend to result in emotional thinking.  When emotional thinking takes over we are often not even aware of the beliefs that are creating our realities.  We tend to be able to see only the “evidence” that reinforces our model of the world, and discard anything that may contradict our beliefs as “propaganda” or “not true.”   In the extreme, this kind of rationalizing becomes delusional.

The only way to stop the cycle is to somehow become aware of the beliefs and emotions that are driving our thinking, and be able to step back and consider other possibilities.  In short, re-introduce rationality into the thinking pattern.

When treating patients with delusional thinking patterns the most often used method is to ask subtle questions that may cause the patient to rethink their reality and consider alternate possibilities.  This is done very carefully, without directly confronting the patient’s delusions, which risks a defensive or even violent reaction.  For instance, if a patient tells a story about someone looking at them in a grocery store, and interprets the action as someone judging them, the therapist may ask the client if there is any other reason a person may look at them at the store, and help the patient come up with alternative and plausible explanations.

Likewise, when we are dealing with people with extreme beliefs we may employ a similar method to attempt to help them view a given situation from a different perspective.  It is not important that the person accept the different perspective as valid, but that they at least consider it.  By considering different perspectives over time, the mind is trained to be more accepting of possibilities, and the person becomes less rigid in their beliefs.

For ourselves, we must learn to recognize when our beliefs become primarily driven by our emotions and be able to take a step back and consider other possibilities as well.  This can be done effectively in our daily meditation, and becomes easier with practice.  By working towards removing rigidity from beliefs we become more capable of dealing with diversity, and adversity.  We also learn to create harmony in our lives by learning to accept other perspectives without feeling threatened.  Our life becomes more rich and fulfilling.

We may even learn to seek help when we are feeling overwhelmed, instead of acting out in destructive ways that lead to tragedy.