Suffering = Pain x Resistance

This is a formula developed by Buddhist teacher Shinzen Young to describe how our suffering is not caused by the pain (physical, emotional, or psychological) we experience, but by our resistance of it. In other words, suffering is not caused by the actual events that we experience, but by our reaction to them. When we struggle against our experiences, we suffer for it. The path to eliminating suffering is to fully accept our experiences.

While this concept of suffering has its origins in Buddhism, it is not exclusively Buddhist. Many therapists in the West have embraced the philosophy of acceptance. Indeed, research into acceptance based therapies has shown them to be as effective, or more effective, than traditional therapies for some mental conditions, such as anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, and others.

But you don’t have to be diagnosed with a mental condition to benefit from acceptance. Learning to accept your experiences is also a key part of learning and growing from them.

But how can accepting a bad experience be a good thing?

In order to understand how acceptance works, its important to differentiate between suffering and pain. According to the philosophy, pain itself is not subjective. Its part of the reality of experience. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, it hurts. If you break up with your partner, it hurts. If a loved one dies, it hurts. There is no avoiding that pain. However, you can choose how you relate to that pain. The way you relate to the reality of pain determines how much you suffer because of it.

This may seem like a crazy notion to many, particularly those of us from Western cultures, where we are taught from birth that pain is something to be avoided or limited. But when you consider that pain is almost always accompanied by emotion, it begins to make sense (at least I think it does;) ). If you can think of a time when you were in pain, and allowed your emotions to run wild, versus another time when you were in pain, but were able to keep a cooler head, you may find that your suffering (not your pain) was less when you were in control.

This is an example of how pain and suffering are not the same thing. In fact, martial artists, athletes, and the military train to separate the pain from the suffering to enable them to push beyond normal physical and emotional limits. Marathon runners learn to live with the physical and psychological pain of running 24 miles. There are countless stories of how military members in combat continue to fight on despite horrific wounds. Holocaust victims and prisoners of war report that their ability to accept their situations and remove themselves from the pain they experienced enabled them to survive and even thrive during their captivity.

These are all examples of how changing the way we relate to pain changes the way we experience it. By doing so we not only eliminate suffering, but can also have a great influence the world around us.

The paradox… and how it works

After reading that last sentence, you may have thought, “Hold on! Wait a minute! How can I accept what is going on and change it?” This is the paradox of acceptance.

Think about a time when you were really – and I mean really – attached to an idea or particular way of doing something; e.g. you were being really really stubborn. Maybe somebody you knew or worked with had a different idea than yours. If you were dead set on your own idea, how would you react to the other person’s idea? If you are like most people, you would probably fight for your own point of view even if all evidence showed you were wrong, and maybe even get a bit emotional about it. You may not even realize that the other person’s way of doing the thing – whatever it is – could be a better way. By being unable to consider the other’s point of view, you eliminate the chance of creating a better outcome.

If we become wedded to a particular way of doing something, and continue to try and do it the same way over and over even though it does not work well – or at all – we forfeit the possibility that we can actually change the situation.

Both of these are examples of how not accepting reality – that someone may have a better idea, or that the way we are doing something does not work – causes suffering and prohibits us from being able to change it.

On the other hand, if we could remove emotion and look at reality in an unfiltered way – in other words if we could accept reality for what it is – we put ourselves in a position to expand our awareness, use our creativity, and consciously respond to the situation instead of simply reacting to it emotionally. In this way we have much more ability to influence reality.

Acceptance and personal growth

Acceptance greatly increases your ability to grow as a person. In fact, personal growth is impossible without it. A key element of personal growth is the ability to self reflect, or to see ourselves for who we really are, and who we could become. If we are unable to accept our flaws, weakness, or shortcomings, we cannot hope to ever overcome them.

This is the same paradox discussed above. By not accepting ourselves for who we are, we may be tempted to fight against our flaws, creating greater suffering and actually deepening the flaws by obsessing over them. But, if we can look at ourselves, and acknowledge that we have flaws, and look at these flaws non-judgmentally, and accept them, then we unblock our ability to improve ourselves.

For example, let’s say that I am horrible at math. If I deny that I am horrible at math, and refuse to accept that I am horrible at math, how can I ever hope to improve my math skills? If I don’t accept this flaw, I won’t feel compelled to study more, take a class, or find a tutor. Or, I may decide that math just isn’t important, and avoid the flaw altogether. Both situations are potentially very limiting.

But if I accept that I am horrible at math, and look at the flaw objectively (without judgment), then I open up the possibility of finding ways to improve my math skills. Doing so not only results in improving those skills, but also in self-awareness, which leads to personal growth.

Acceptance can be a difficult concept for many, particularly in Western societies where we are taught to not accept bad situations or imperfections. We are taught (or at least I was) that in order to change we never accept imperfections, and must fight against them. This sometimes works, but more often than not, is the source of great suffering – even if the outcome is eventually good.

Acceptance may also be misunderstood as pacifism. This is not the case. Acceptance really means accepting reality for what it is. In doing so, we are able to view that reality non-judgmentally, without emotion, and open up the possibility of responding to reality consciously, not instinctively. Conscious responses are always more effective than reactive responses, and give us much more flexibility to deal with and change our reality.

Last week I wrote about how I ensure, or at least try to ensure, that I do not lose my best ideas. (When I speak of ideas in this context, I am speaking of ideas for projects, not abstract ideas, like, “Wow! That eclipse the other night was funky!”). As I mentioned, I get a lot of ideas for projects. And sometimes it is difficult to remember them all, so I try to either write them down as they occur, or record them on my voice app on my phone. One of the consequences of capturing all, or at least most, of my ideas is that I end up with far more than I can work on at any given time. I also come up with some that are just too far out there to seriously consider, at lesat in the near term. So I need a way to prioritize my ideas; that is, to decide which projects to work on first, and which ones to get rid of altogether.

Assuming you also have a lot of ideas for projects, so many that you cannot work on all of them, then you may face similar challenges. This post will give you one method for prioritizing your ideas. Because my background, or at least part of it, is in project management, this approach is broadly based on the same methods that businesses use to decide which projects to implement, and which ones to shelve.

Which ideas to keep?

The first step in prioritizing a list of ideas is to decide which ones are worth pursuing at all, or which ones to keep. To do this, I suggest starting with a quick sanity check. Look at your list of ideas and decide which ones are actually important or interesting, what the outcome or consequence of actually completing the project may be, and what effort may be required to complete the project. In other words, ask yourself:

Is this project worth doing at all; is it realistic in concept?
What would I gain from completing this project?
Can I realistically expend the energy and resources to accomplish this project?

After going through your initial list of potential projects, and asking these questions, you will probably find that many of your ideas get put at the back of the list because they are either not as interesting or realistic as they seemed to be at the time of inspiration, they don’t really provide enough benefit to make them worth pursuing, or you simply don’t have or cannot put forth the time, energy, or resources to get them done.

This does not necessarily mean that you get rid of all of the ideas that don’t pass this first test. Some you will decide are too far out there to actually work on… ever; these you will discard. Others you may decide are interesting, and may yield a benefit, but you simply don’t have the time and resources to work on them; these you will most likely store away and take another look when you are better able to accomplish them. And the remaining ideas will be the ones that pass the test, and are worthy and capable of being accomplished in the relatively near future; these are the ones that you will then prioritize.

Prioritizing your ideas

Once you have short-listed the ideas that you are able to work on in the relatively near future, you will likely need to decide the order in which you will complete them. For this, you may want to use the well-formed outcome.

While it may seem like a lot of work to complete well-formed outcomes on all of your short-listed ideas, doing so is a must, and may save you a lot of grief and wasted effort in the long run.

The purpose of completing the well-formed outcome is to understand your idea better, to reflect on why you want to pursue the project, what will completing the project require of you, and what the outcome of the project will be. All of these are important in deciding which projects you will work on and in what order.

In fact, you may notice that these are the same types of questions we asked when deciding which projects to keep. The difference here is that the well-formed outcome forces you to really reflect on, and write down, the answers to these questions. Doing so should help you prioritize which ideas to work on first, and which ones to work on later.

A few tips

If you are like me, it may be difficult to discard an idea… even if it seems impossible to accomplish. I just get too attached to my ideas to kill them, sometimes. The problem is that if you try to work on too many ideas at once, you may not complete any of them, or you may not do as good of a job as you could on the ones you do complete. You may also find that by working on too many projects you start to earn the resentment of your friends and family.

There is a way to deal with this and still keep your sanity, and your personal relationships, alive. When you are prioritizing your ideas, try and do so with the idea that you will only work on a couple at any given time. This means that instead of working on all of your great ideas that have made the short list (which could still be a hundred great ideas), you will take the top 2 or 3.

You may also want to decide how much time you will spend on projects each week, and then use that to decide how many of your ideas you will work on at any given time. The idea here is to maintain a balance between all of your commitments. Again, by completing well-formed outcomes on all of your top ideas you should get a realistic view of what the consequences are of working on each project.

Each year at about this time I, like most people, sit down and set my goals for the coming year. Typically, I open up the file where my goals from the previous year are kept, and take stock of my achievements. I am never really disappointed, but I often find that while I have accomplished a great deal over the past 12 months, much of what I have written down on my list is still incomplete, and much of what I have completed are not on my list.

What this tells me is that I’m not really writing down what I need to achieve, and perhaps some of the things I have written down do not fit in with what I really value, or want to achieve. Some of my resolutions tend to get transferred from one year to the next because I simply cannot stand to leave a goal left unachieved, even if that goal is no longer relevant.

In a nutshell, I set myself up for failure.

Now, some of you may relate to what I’m writing. Others may not. But this is honest self-disclosure happening here! But I have a plan to change things… and here it is.

1. I am not going to open up that file. And I am not going to review my 2010 resolutions. Instead, I am going to start with a clean sheet of paper, and develop goals that are truly meaningful to me, and are aligned with my values. My goals are going to be tangible (that is, measurable), reasonable, and impactful.

2. Instead of having a long list of resolutions, as I usually do, I am going to set down only a few; 3-5 max, that are really important to me. I am not going to try and become perfect, or accomplish everything I want to do for the rest of my life in 1 year. But what I do accomplish will be fulfilling and rewarding.

How am I going to do these two things? First, I am going to brainstorm, and make the long list of “want to do’s.” Then, I am going to spend time meditating and reflecting on each, and continue to do so until I have narrowed that list down to my Top 10. Once I have done this, I will write out well-formed outcomes for each. Yes, I will actually write down (or type in my case) the well-formed outcome for each potential goal.

Once I have my well-formed outcomes, I will then reflect on these Top 10, and select only those that will have the most significant impact on my life, and on the life of my family. I will select only those that have significant impact, and I will select a maximum of 5 goals.

Having selected those three goals, I will frame each of those 5 goals and hang them in my office, next to my computer screen, where I will be able to see them every single time I sit down. I will also schedule, in my calendar, 30 minutes each week to reflect on each of my resolutions. During this time I will revisit each goal, assess my progress, and ensure each is still meaningful to me as my life changes. I will be flexible enough to modify my goals, but when I do, I will revise my well-formed outcome for the goal – in writing.

In short, I am going to set myself up for success.

What, if any, changes are you going to make to your New Year’s resolution strategy?

Many years ago while I was still a midshipman at the Naval Academy I had the fortune of spending part of my summer training at the Marine Corps Officer Candidate School (OCS), and The Basic School (TBS) learning how to become a Marine Corps officer.

Although I ultimately decided to accept my commission in the Navy and not the Marines, I learned a great deal from my OCS and TBS experiences. First, and foremost I learned that I could actually do far more than I thought I was capable of. Part of this lesson was learning about the things that hold many people back from achieving their potential. And, one of the main culprits is fear.

This lesson was reinforced one early morning when we were navigating the Tarzan Assault Course at OCS. To get a perspective on the value of the lesson, its useful to understand the nature of the Tarzan Course. It is a series of rope obstacles suspended about 10-20 feet above the ground in trees. At various points you jump, crawl, slide, or walk along these ropes, and (at least when we did it) there was no safety net or lanyards. You pretty much navigated the course or fell to the deck.

I recall one particular part of the course where we were required to slide backwards down a rope without using our hands. We simply had to lay on the rope, which was about 2” diameter, hook one foot over it, push off, and let go with our hands, and slide. This was the scariest part of the course for me, probably because it felt like I had given up all control. I remember getting on the rope, heart pounding, and hearing the drill instructor shout up at me “FEAR WILL GET YOU HURT!”… along with a few other things I cannot repeat on the blog.

So, deciding I was more afraid of the drill instructor, and the embarrassment of not completing the course, than I was of falling, I pushed off and let go. And I made it. The lesson for me was that sometimes thing seem a lot scarier than they are, and with courage and determination, any obstacle can be overcome. I also learned that fear is a state of mind that can undermine people’s efforts, and keep them from achieving their potential.

This is not to say that fear never serves a useful purpose. It does. Fear is a survival mechanism that may keep us alive at times. However, when fear becomes paralyzing, or begins to generate irrational limiting beliefs in us, it becomes a barrier to our success and happiness. The trick is not to be fearless, but to understand the nature of our fears, and to master them.

Think about the things that you are afraid of, and really assess how rational some of these fears are, and how they may be holding you back. You may find that many of your fears really don’t serve a constructive or useful purpose.

Going green is all the rage these days, and it makes sense. Aside from the highly politicized issues of global warming, living a greener lifestyle has some very practical benefits. By going green you can reduce your exposure to toxic chemicals, eat healthier foods, live a more active and healthy lifestyle, and even save money.

Here are 10 easy ways you can live greener

1. Turn off lights you are not using (and use only the lights you need). I remember when I was growing up my parents always fussing about “every light in the house being on.” Back then the concern wasn’t the environment, it was the high cost of energy. Not much has changed since the 70’s, expect energy is even more expensive now than it was back then. By turning lights off, and only using lights that you actually need, you not only do good for the environment, you save a ton of money.

2. Cut down on the AC, heating, etc. Like lighting, we Americans tend to be obsessive about air conditioning and heating. Fact: you will live, and even learn to live comfortably, in 65 – 75 degree (F) temperature. In the summer, try not to create an ice box in your home… it really does not need to be 68 degrees inside at all times. And sweaters are made for the winter. This may sound harsh, but if you keep your thermostat set at around 75 in the summer and 65 in the winter, you will find that your body will adapt, and you will be very comfortable. And while you’re at it, turn off that computer and TV when you are not using it! Again, energy is expensive, and there is actually a shortage (which is why its expensive).

3. Walk, or ride a bike. Now, I have to admit, I love to drive. However, my British wife is pretty insistent that driving a block to buy a soda is, frankly, wasteful and stupid. And she is right. Feet were made for walking and peddling. Save gas, get healthy, and help out the environment and drive only when you need to.

4. Drink tap water. All those plastic bottles not only eventually end up in a land fill, or worse, in the ocean… and they don’t break down very quickly at all. And guess what; the $1.25 water you are drinking from that bottle is probably distilled (if you are lucky) tap water, anyway. Even if you only have 1 bottle of water each day, you could save over $35/month by simply turning on the tap. If you are really concerned about filtering, there are cheap alternatives that don’t result in that plastic bottle spending thousands of years in the ocean or land fill.

5. Plant a garden. One of the best things we have done is plant a small vegetable garden on the back yard. You don’t need acres to eat better, healthier vegetables. Our garden is basically two, 8ftx4ft plots, and there is plenty of food for the family. Even if you don’t have a back yard at all you can still plant a lot in pots. In fact, we plant some of our vegetables and herbs in pots so we can have them year round. Its cheap, its sustainable, its healthy, and its fun!

6. Compost and recycle. This is the easiest, and most neglected, way of going green in America. Most communities actually have a recycling program these days, and will even provide a recycling bin, and come and pick it up for you. It is a no brainer, and it helps the environment tremendously. Composting requires a little more effort, but not much. And if you plant that garden we just talked about, or if you have any kind of garden (flowers, lawn, etc.) it is a real benefit.

7. Go paper. Most grocery stores these days have paper bags. By packing your groceries in paper vs. plastic you are reducing the amount of plastic that is hanging around in landfills and in the ocean. Remember, plastic is not biodegradable, and will stick around for thousands of years… paper breaks down much more quickly. You are only going to use that bag for a few minutes, anyway. Be kind to the environment.

8. (If you have small children) use cloth diapers. The cloth diapers of today are not your grandmother’s cloth diapers. They are pre-fitted, and even snap on. Now I admit when my wife insisted on cloth I had visions of massive grossness. I was wrong. In fact, I find the cloth to be far less gross because the nastiness doesn’t hang around in the diaper genie for days until it gets thrown away. And, the chemicals and materials used in disposable diapers aren’t the best for the baby or the environment. Scarlet hates wearing anything but cloth, and we hate putting anything else on her. We save loads of money, have a happier and healthier baby (she has not had a single rash in 14 months… not one), and we aren’t dumping thousands of diapers each year into landfills.

9. Get rid of the chemicals. Believe it or not, you don’t need Clorox to be germ free. We made an amazing discovery about cleaning products about a year ago. Vinegar, baking soda, and lemons are really all you need to keep a sparkly clean and germ free house. I was skeptical at first, envisioning all kinds of nastiness, when we got rid of the commercial cleaners. But I don’t miss them at all, now. Again, we save a load of money, and we aren’t dumping toxic waste into the water table every time we clean.

10. Be proactive. These are just a handful of very easy and practical ways to go green. There is an absolute ton of information out there to learn more ways to live a more sustainable, healthy, and happier lifestyle. Check it out. You can save a ton of money, and do some good for your health and the environment at the same time.

Recently, I read an article on CNN.com that asked the question, “How rich is rich?”

This started to make me think about the question of “How much is enough?” If you recall, my very first post on this blog was about how we define success. In America, it seems to me that success is defined by material wealth. We place a great value on “what we do” (our job), where we live, what car we drive, and how “healthy” our 401k is. Many Americans are proud of the fact that we work 50, 60, or even more hours per week. Those who don’t work long hours are often perceived as unambitious, or even lazy.

In short, our work, and the material wealth it brings to us, becomes our identity. Don’t believe me? Try this: ask ten people to tell you who they are, and I’ll wager that at least eight of those ten people will tell you what they do; e.g. – I am Chris, and I am a lawyer; I am Lauren and I am in marketing, etc. etc.

Instead of talking about their family, hobbies, spirituality, or any of the things that truly define who a person really is, most of those you ask this question will focus on their job. I have conducted this experiment hundreds of times in seminars, social gatherings, and even at bars, and the trend is the same; people describe who they are in terms of their jobs.

What’s wrong with this?

I am not here to say that there is anything wrong with basing one’s identity on their job. We should take pride in our work, and when we truly enjoy what we do our work can bring joy and purpose to our lives.

My question is whether America’s work ethic is a result of the pure joy and purpose our jobs bring to our lives, or a matter of seeking to fulfill these needs with more toys. If you are working 50+ hours per week in a job you truly love, and one that brings meaning and fulfillment to your life, then perhaps you have found your path. On the other hand, if you are working simply to accumulate “more,” then maybe its time to take a step back and assess your life’s work.

Is the sacrifice worth “more?”

Part of this assessment is understanding what you may be sacrificing to gain “more.” When I speak of “more,” I mean more stuff; e.g. – more status, more money, a bigger house, a nicer car, a bigger TV… in other words, more material wealth. How much is it all worth?

Is it worth chronic stress, and the resulting mental and physical health problems? Is having “more” worth sacrificing a deeper relationship with family and friends? Is it worth not having the time to work on personal growth and development; e.g – reading a good book, meditating, exercising, learning?

Finally, is it worth never learning who you truly are? Is dedication to “the job,” and earning “more” worth surrendering your personal identity to the profession?

Only you can answer these questions.

So, how much is enough?

I’ll be honest. I like “stuff” as much as anybody. I understand the appeal of having “more.” I drive a BMW, have a pretty nice house, a purebred beagle, and like having money to go out to dinner occasionally. But, the question I regularly have to ask myself is how much is enough?

As with most things, I think the answer to this question (for me) is finding a balance between having a comfortable lifestyle while still maintaining the ability to continue on my path of learning and personal growth.

This is a balance that is sometimes very difficult to achieve. My wife will be the first to tell me that I try to do too much all at once. She provides some of the balance I need by being demanding when necessary. And for that I am grateful… even if not at the precise time she is being demanding!

Striking the balance

Here are some of my recommendations for striking a healthy balance:

Develop a plan. Understanding what is most important in your life is an essential first step in finding balance. You can’t get to balance if you don’t know what you want it to look like.

Developing a plan for a balanced life must start with some serious introspection. Meditation, therapy, talking with a mentor, or just sitting in quite contemplation of what it is that you want out of life for yourself and your family are ways to begin to clarify what is most important, and what balance looks like for you.

Develop a good support network. Having family and friends who value living a balanced lifestyle, and have shared goals and ideas, is a necessary part of keeping an even keel. As I mentioned, my wife is a great aid to me as I am one of those people who simply must achieve (aka, Type A personality).

Another great way to develop support networks is to subscribe to blogs (like this one!), or other local groups that promote healthy and balanced living. One of my favorite sites is Balance in Me, but there are dozens of others out there as well.

Start by taking small steps. For most people the move towards balance can seem daunting. After all, most employers would not understand your desire to work 10 fewer hours per week. And, the strain of simply quitting your day job may be too much for you, or your family, to handle. After all, the life you have built for yourself should not necessarily be simply tossed aside.

However, you can start making a transition to the balanced life you seek by working 1 or 2 fewer hours per week, designating a night each week for quality family time, or 20 minutes each day for personal development or exercise, etc. By building on these small steps you may be surprised how quickly your life can be transformed.

Revisit your plan and progress often. Let’s face it. Most people do not start out life seeking to become dissatisfied and imbalanced. Typically, imbalance results from ideas that are placed into our heads during school, like “Being an artist is a waste of time, choose a career you can make a lot of money at.” The next thing you know, you are climbing the corporate ladder, and before you know it you look down and wonder… “would I be happier as an artist?” Then the mid life crisis sets in…

So, the moral of the story here is to pay attention to your life. It is not a dress rehearsal. Periodically reflect on where you are at, and where you are going. A regular meditation schedule and an active support network can keep you on track.

All of us want success, however we define it. We may want to earn more money, have more free time, be more balanced, or beat our boss at golf (not the best career move, by the way…). But in many cases, achieving our goals – whatever they may be – requires effort, and may be challenging. After all, if achieving our goals was easy, we would have already achieved them all. And the reality is that most goals are never fully achieved.

Many people fail at achieving their goals because they try to achieve too much too fast. For instance, there are many people who want to “get into shape” after years of sitting on the sofa who start with the same workout routine they used when they were on the high school football team. Instead of getting back into shape, they end up demoralized, and possibly injured, because they went too hard too fast. A lot of our goals are like that. Another approach, and the one that most often works best, is to develop a plan that builds on small successes. This approach is known as scaffolding.

The essence of scaffolding

I remember my first day at the US Naval Academy as if it were today. After the Induction and Oath of Office, we were led into Bancroft Hall and thoroughly… “trained.” I distinctly recall thinking to myself that I could not possibly “train” this way for four years. But, having been through enlisted boot camp, and had similar thoughts (only replace “four years” with “eight weeks”), I remembered what one of our Company Commanders (aka Drill Instructors) at boot camp told us – take it one evolution at a time. And that’s what I learned to do, and that’s how I graduated both schools, finished 2 Masters degrees, and how I am working through a PhD… one evolution at a time. In other words, although I did not know the term at the time, I embraced the scaffolding approach to achievement.

Scaffolding is about focusing on the present task. This doesn’t imply that you should not plan ahead. Its good to think strategically about things. However, if you get too caught up in tomorrow’s tasks, you may not complete today’s tasks. In a sense, scaffolding can be related to living in the present. By focusing on the present task you are more likely to successfully complete it.

And by completing the present task you build confidence and momentum for future tasks. And this is the essence of scaffolding: small achievements build larger achievements.

The secret to achieving big goals (well… one of them, anyway)

In our society, where instant gratification is considered a virtue, it can be very difficult to just take life as one evolution at a time. Often times when we want to achieve something big, we want to achieve it now. Failure to exercise patience, and work towards achieving big goals one evolution at a time most often leads to failure. And, just as success breeds success, so does failure breed failure.

The best way to achieve big goals is to break them down into smaller, achievable tasks, and have the patience to accomplish each smaller task while maintaining focus on the end goal.

Sometimes life is challenging. To quote, with a few substitutions, a popular phrase of the 80’s… stuff and people happen. But have you noticed that despite all of this stuff and people happening, some people seem to move through life effortlessly, while others move through it as if they are climbing Mt Everest without the right equipment? I propose that both groups are subject to the same challenges, and the difference between the two groups is the way they respond to life’s challenges.

Making life easier…

So how do some people respond to life’s challenges, including difficult people, to make life easier for themselves and others? Here are a couple of ways…

1. Accept the challenges, don’t deny or fight them. One of the best ways to get a skull fracture, or at least a really bad headache, is to bash your head against a brick wall. Most people do not want either. So why do many people do exactly that when it comes to facing life’s challenges? Perhaps its confidence, or deep seated resentment stemming from past events, or maybe we just don’t know any better? Bottom line, we can make our lives, and the lives of those around us, much easier if we simply accept and take responsibility for meeting the challenges life sends our way. No amount of anger or denial will resolve most challenges. The quicker we can accept our situation the quicker we can work to change it for the better.

2. Automatic self-soothing. People who seemingly coast through life tend to be able to automatically sooth, or calm, themselves in the face of conflict or adversity. This is a behavior that can be learned, and can ultimately become automatic, in even those of us who tend to be a little more reactive. Using techniques such as meditation to calm the mind, breathing to relax in tense situations, recognizing when we start to get worked up, journaling to log “hot thoughts” (cognitive distortions), and even regular exercise and good dietary habits can all make a difference in anxiety levels and reactivity.

3. Assume a 3rd party perspective. People who personalize situations and problems have much higher stress and anxiety levels than those who don’t. They are also much less effective at navigating life’s problems as they are generally more easily overcome by emotions… in other words, they are more reactive and emotional, and less able to think through and resolve issues rationally and calmly. It is sometimes useful to disassociate from the event or problem, viewing it from a 3rd party perspective. In this way the situation may become less threatening, and you may be able to deflect some of the negative energy and avoid the tendency to take the situation personally. With practice you will get better at viewing problems from an objective third party perspective, and will become more effective at navigating life’s challenges.

4. Don’t confuse the problem with the person. Barring truly natural disasters such as hurricanes, earthquakes, etc., most of life’s problems are caused by people. These problems can be physical (car wrecks), interpersonal (you just don’t like him), or some kind of disagreement. When a person, including yourself, is the culprit you must separate the problem/opinion/situation from the person. The two are never the same, even when the person is acting like an ass. All people have inherent value, and good as well as bad qualities. Thus, if we can look at the person as having value as a human being, and focus on their good qualities, we can minimize the complexity of the problem. When we lump the two together we complicate the problem enormously by allowing interpersonal conflict and distorted thinking to enter the equation.

Learning to respond differently to life’s challenges is difficult and sometimes demoralizing. However, with concerted effort and some tenacity anybody can do so. And the payoffs are huge: better problem solving skills, improved adaptability, improved relationships, greater peace of mind and confidence, and much less stress. In short, life becomes more enjoyable.

Green living and sustainability is a hot topic these days. We are seeing real growth in non-fossil fuel based energy, an increasing number of hybrids are on the roads daily, and the number of “green” TV shows are growing. However, with its growing popularity, green living has also come under attack by some, saying its not practical, too expensive, and even a danger to our consumer way of life.

A few months ago my wife and I decided to dabble in green living. We took some simple steps, like using re-usable grocery bags at the stores, cutting back on buying items with eco-damaging packaging, hanging clothes out to dry instead of using the dryer, switching to cloth diapers for our baby, making some of our own cleaning supplies using household products, and (of course) recycling everything we could. We have even refused to run the air conditioning so far, which seems radical to our neighbors here in central Texas…

I will admit, I thought this would be a phase, and my wife would be screaming to use the dryer and stop making her own cleaning supplies within weeks. I silently predicted that the house would be overrun by infectious diseases once we started using cloth diapers… not to mention the very notion of changing and washing a cloth diaper seemed, well, gross. In summary, I thought living green would be a pain in the rear end, and that we would somehow end up paying more money for the privilege of the inconvenience.

The results so far have been shocking to me.

Financial benefits. By our accounting, we have saved approximately $140 each month in utilities (water, gas, electricity), by changing what we bought at the grocery store, and by (gasp) walking more than driving.

If we wanted to, we could actually stop our trash collection services and use only recycling since we are now putting out only a single regular sized bag of garbage every two weeks. That would save us another $50 each month.

Health benefits. Green living encourages healthy eating and a more active lifestyle. I personally have also lost 16lbs (yes, SIXTEEN) by eating more healthy foods and walking more. My wife states she has lost 9lbs. Both of us have more energy than ever, and there is far less tension in the house because we are both happier people.

In fact, we both feel so good we have recently started exercising as well.

Relationship benefits. I believe our move to green has improved our relationship. Although going green was my wife’s idea, and I was initially somewhat skeptical, the common goal of finding ways to live better has drawn us closer. We spend more time together coming up with ideas on how to improve our lifestyles, and work compromises when the ideas get a little crazy.

In short, we are both enjoying the experience, and enjoying working together on the project. I suspect that once we start our garden and composting this will turn into another family bonding experience as well.

Our green future. Let’s be clear. Neither my wife nor I are “green freaks.” Neither of us grew up on a farm. I personally do not even believe that we can, or should, “stop” global warming, nor do I even believe we are the cause of it… but that is a topic for another post…

However, we both feel an obligation to be good tenants of the planet. And, we have both decided that the simpler life is, the better. After living a greener lifestyle over the past 3 months, we can honestly say that neither of us feels inconvenienced by the changes. In fact, we are planning on moving to Phase 2 – which will mean going vegetarian for 5 days out of the week, starting a vegetable garden, composting, and making even more cleaning products on our own.

Someday we even hope to build our own home with environmentally friendly materials and run it on solar and geothermal energy. The home will also have a well and rain collection tanks for water. We will effectively be “off the grid.” The financial benefits should amount to over $600 extra per month in utility and maintenance savings. My research shows me that the building of the house itself, if done properly, will also yield significant savings over a traditional build.

All that being said, I am not yet ready to give up my SUV and move to a commune. I enjoy civilization, and am becoming aware that living in a low impact, environmentally responsible way does not conflict with living a civilized and sociable life.

So, the bottom line, based on our experience and research over the past 3 months is that the claims of living green being too expensive and impractical are patently false. The financial benefits alone make it worth doing. However, we have noticed other benefits as well in terms of improvements in our lifestyle, relationship and health. We feel more connected and responsible for living a greener lifestyle. I invite you to try it. Even small changes can make a big difference!

Life is stressful… and it always has been. The human species has always faced danger. Let’s face it, we cannot outrun most of those predators that would make a meal of us, nor are we physically strong enough to win against them in hand to tooth and claw combat. Nature has not always been kind to humans, either. Feast or famine have been a way of life for humans since the beginning of time. So our early ancestors had plenty of stress to deal with. Luckily, we humans have been endowed with the ability to think and create to combat our relative physical weakness, and to adapt to the challenges of nature and our environment.

This ability to adapt has enabled us as a species to grow and create a new world where many of the physical and environmental dangers our ancestors faced are of little concern to the average human being… at least in modernized nations. The average human being in modern society does not have to worry too much about being eaten by a tiger, for instance. However, as we have progressed as a species and as a civilization we have created new, and perhaps more daunting, dangers and challenges.

Aside from the global challenges of war, global warming, and corporate globalization, there are new and equally dangerous individual and regional challenges as well. And these new challenges have a profound impact on our individual and societal health. For this blog post I will focus on humans as individuals, not on society as a whole as we don’t have nearly enough room for that!

So what is success, and how does it relate to sabre tooth tigers?

Most of us, particularly in Western countries… and I would argue, especially in the US… have defined success in terms of how much money we earn, how many “things” we possess, and/or how much status we achieve. To achieve this success we typically work long hours, and sometimes in jobs or for people that we really do not like. The effect of adhering to such a definition of success can be deadly.

How? Two words: chronic stress. And in many ways, chronic stress is more dangerous than that sabre tooth tiger our ancestors had to deal with. The reason is that our early ancestors were equipped with tools and intellect to deal with the tiger. Once the threat was dealt with, the stress of the encounter was pretty much over… or you were dead.

However, today’s stressors are not as cut and dry. They linger, sometimes (often) for decades. The effect of chronic stress is devastating to both the human body and the human mind. Medical research has linked dozens of fatal and chronic diseases to stress. In fact, data shows that 75-90% of all family doctor visits are stress related, over 20% of healthcare claims are stress related, and over half of deaths of Americans over the age of 65 are… you guessed it… stress related.

And that’s only the medical side of the equation. Chronic stress also takes a real toll on our mental health. Numerous mental illnesses, such as an array of anxiety disorders, mood disorders, and addictions are typically associated with stress. Even those who do not develop serious mental illness still suffer from chronic stress through deteriorating or underdeveloped relationships, lack of healthy social supports, or just time to self-reflect and grow as people. Often times we are too focused on making enough money to pay rent, or getting that next promotion, to attend to these needs. The damaging effects of chronic stress on our mental well-being is every bit as dangerous as the physical damage.

So what can we do? We gotta pay the rent, right?

There are a lot of things we can do to minimize or eliminate success driven chronic stress.

First, we can rethink our definition of success. What is more important, the new car, promotion, a large bank account, or healthy, strong relationships, a happy and healthy life. It is entirely possible to have it all… if you have reasonable criteria for what having it all means. My personal opinion is that there can and must be a balance.

Second, get a career you love. If work doesn’t seem like work at all, then by definition it will not cause you as much stress. Again, there may be (but not necessarily) trade offs between doing what you love and doing what brings in six figures. The real question is the six figure income worth the sacrifice.

Third, develop a healthy lifestyle. Begin an exercise program, eat healthy foods, and take time out to self reflect and distress. All of these activities are great stress busters, and may even help you make healthy decisions about other aspects of your life.

Fourth, make time for relationship and for play. Developing great social and family networks are fundamental to our emotional and mental well-being. Humans, even the most introverted of us, are social beings. We need support, and without support networks (family and friends) we can develop serious mental illness. Family and friends provide us support, guidance, and a sense of belonging that is fundamental to our emotional health. Having good support networks is a great counter to chronic stress.

Fifth, develop the habit of positive thinking. One of the unique things about humans is that we are the only species that can create emotional responses by just thinking about a situation. That means that even when we are at home or on vacation, we can take the stress of work with us if we keep pondering the challenges we left on our desk. It also means that the way we think about that work, or anything else, determines whether or not we have a stress response to it.

One way to avoid carrying stress around with us is to change how we think about our work, or about any other stressor. Instead of dwelling on the dangers and negatives, learn to dwell on the positives. Developing this habit can literally change your brain chemistry, and make you a happier and more effective person.

Regardless of how you deal with chronic stress, one thing you must realize is that if it is left unprocessed it does not go away. So even if you are the kind of person who is able to manage your stress related emotional reactions, or take on a great deal of stress and still function, this does not mean you are immune to the effects of chronic stress. The problem is, stress is additive. While you may have a high threshold for stress, eventually it will catch up to you. Best to take steps to drain off some of that stress related negative energy before it boils over.