A few years ago I had a client whose chief complaint was that he had difficulty building and maintaining good relationships. He felt he was in a state of near constant conflict with others. He argued with his family, his girlfriend, his friends, and his co-workers. In fact, the “final straw,” and why he decided to come in for counseling, was when a co-worker filed a complaint against him for an argument during which my client physically pushed the other man.

As I worked with the client, it became apparent to me that he did not really like himself very much. He was not what I would diagnose as clinically depressed, but he did not have a great deal of self esteem. I began working with him to identify his automatic thoughts that preceded several conflicts that he had experienced with others.

As I expected, many of his thoughts were distorted, negative, and often hostile. He seemed to automatically assume the worst in many situations, which triggered defensiveness, and in many instances, hostility towards others. I worked for several months with my client, identifying the cognitive distortions that escalated his defensive reactions. He began to journal regularly, and started dissecting the situations and thoughts where he felt he over-reacted.

Not surprisingly, he developed a greater ability for restraint as he began to recognize situations which would likely end in conflict. He began to be more aware of his thoughts and the way he felt in his body as his defensiveness grew. However, while he became more able to control his temper and his reactions, he still felt tense and uncomfortable, and often vented after the event.

Two types of self-talk

While there are many different kinds of cognitive distortions, there are basically two types of self-talk. One form of self-talk is directed outward. This is the self-talk that you use to describe what you perceive is happening around you or to you. For example, if you are confronted with someone who makes a comment about your shirt, you will have a series of thoughts about that person and that comment. These may be positive, negative, or neutral. But these thoughts are important as they shape the way you view your external environment. They play a huge role in constructing your external map of reality.

It is this type of self-talk that my client was beginning to learn to control and modify to be more positive. His thoughts were often negative, and his external reality was one that was full of criticism and danger. His thoughts created a world in which he had to be on the defensive. It is easy to see how his world was full of conflict.

The second type of self-talk is directed inward. It is how we talk to and about ourselves. This inward directed self-talk plays a large part in how we feel about ourselves. It affects self-esteem, and also plays a role in shaping our maps of reality. Typically, a person with a low self-esteem will view the world differently than someone with a high self-esteem. For instance, a person who does not believe his needs will be met in a relationship – either because he does not feel worthy, or strong enough to maintain boundaries – may lash out against others, either to force them to meet his needs, or perhaps to undermine the relationship entirely. In this person’s reality, this is safer than fostering a relationship, or compromising.

Unfortunately, this strategy usually fails to achieve the person’s needs being met – either the other party leaves, becomes resentful and refuses to cooperate, or otherwise withdraws – reinforcing the feelings of unworthiness and lowering self-esteem even further. As you can see, this may easily become a cycle in which the person’s cynical map of reality is supported and strengthened.

As we continued discussing my client’s discomfort in personal relationships, and the automatic thoughts that often occurred during interactions with others, it became apparent to him that much of his negative self-talk was directed at himself. Thoughts like, “I can’t do anything right!”, “I always screw things up, so why even bother!”, or “I’m such an idiot!” were common with my client. He slowly came to the realization that fixing his externally directed self-talk was an important step in improving his relationships and hapiness, but not enough. As he said in one session, “how can I really like anybody else if I don’t even like myself..”

A lesson to be learned

There are a lot of valuable insights to be gained from this case study. There are lessons about boundaries, cognitive distortions, the importance of self-talk in creating our individual realities, and the role of self-esteem in our relationships. All of these are important.

However, the message I really wanted to convey in this case study is that we should seek to be aware of our internally directed self-talk. If this self talk is regularly negative, judgmental, or derogatory, then we are essentially attacking ourselves, and weakening our own self esteem. The results can be damaged relationships, failure to achieve our goals, lack of fulfillment, unhappiness, and a general cynical outlook on life. In the extreme, they can result in severe depression, or even suicide.

During one of my final sessions with this client, we were discussing his progress and how he might continue to work on his self-talk in the future. I knew he “got it” when he paused, looked up at me, and said, “I am going to try and speak to myself as if I were my own best friend.”

One of the presuppositions of NLP is that the meaning of a communication is in the way it is received. I posted a guest post from Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds on this presupposition back in June of this year, but think it is worth visiting again. It is that important.

But, in this post I am going to approach the topic from a different direction than Dianne. In her post, Dianne explained in some detail how this presupposition works. (I highly recommend reading her post. Just click on any one of the links). In this post, I am going to describe some specific ways to ensure that our messages are understood.

The role of empathy

This presupposition is a simple way of saying that we must take responsibility for how we attempt to communicate a message. When we wish to convey a particular message and it is misinterpreted, we often blame the recipient for misunderstanding. We get defensive and even blaming, and arguments happen.

Fundamentally, the reason for the conflict and misunderstanding that comes from “miscommunication,” indeed, the reason for miscommunication itself, is typically because empathy is lacking in both the transmitter and the receiver of the message.

When we communicate without empathy, we are transmitting without any regard or consideration to the needs of our intended receiver. Often times people will try and justify this lack of empathy by saying they prefer to “tell it like it is,” or to “be direct.” The true motive behind this desire to “be direct” is to force our message on somebody else, with little regard to how they may interpret or receive it. After all, if we really want to be understood, why would we not want to tailor our message to the recipient? This “being direct” is a fundamentally selfish way of communicating.

Likewise, it is impossible to accurately receive a message without empathy. Think about active listening as an example. It is simply not possibly to engage in active listening – to give somebody your total attention, and show genuine interest in what the other is trying to say, without empathy. In fact, a fundamental part of active listening is to connect with the sender, and repeat back his or her message in our own words to confirm our own understanding.

By definition, we cannot form such a connection and understanding without empathizing.

So why does the sender hold the primary responsibility for the way a message is received?

I’ve just said that lack of empathy on both sides of a communication is the reason why misunderstandings and the resulting conflicts happen. That being the case, you may be wondering why it is that the sender has the responsibility for ensuring his or her message is accurately received.

It simple. The sender starts the cycle, and understands (hopefully) the meaning of the message being conveyed. The receiver cannot possibly understand the meaning unless the sender conveys it. Therefore, the sender is the only person that can logically be responsible.

Furthermore, if the sender places his own need to validate himself, or to “be direct,” or “tell it like it is,” over the way a message is received or how it is interpreted, there can be no empathy conveyed, and the message will more than likely generate a violent (not in the physical sense… hopefully) reaction.

By following the guidelines below, we can communicate with empathy and in a nonviolent manner, and ensure our messages are understood:

Be aware of your objective. The sender is the only person who can know the meaning of any communication before it is sent. If the sender does not know what meaning she wants to convey, then how can the receiver possibly understand it?

It is also necessary that the sender understand “why” he wants to send the message in the first place. Is the intent constructive, or antagonistic? Antagonism rarely gets the results we want… at least in the long term. It is possible to communicate anger in ways that actually achieve positive results and get your needs met. Simply being argumentative damages relationships and ensures your real message – e.g. the need you want to have met – is not received.

Avoid vague language. This is not the same as “being direct” in the sense most people understand it. What avoiding vague language means is to speak plainly, but with empathy, and in a way your receiver can understand and accept.

As we’ve already learned, understanding without empathy is simply not possibly. When choosing your language you want to convey your needs, as well as concern for the receiver, otherwise your message will almost certainly create defensiveness in the recipient, and you are likely to simply end up in a conflict of competing needs.

Be honest about your needs. We all want to have their needs met. And when they aren’t met, we typically get resentful. As resentment builds, empathy departs. And (again) without empathy effective communication is simply not possible.

The time to communicate your needs is before this cycle sets in. It is best to be honest about your needs while you can also be empathic and sensitive to your recipient’s needs as well.

Communicate in the positive. Use positive language when communicating. By doing this you will find it much easier to convey empathy, and frame your message in a nonviolent manner.

Abolish “but” from your vocabulary. A simple yet powerful way to make your language more positive is by replacing any “but” statements with “and” statements. For example, notice the difference between,

“I really want to work this out with you, but I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

And

“I really want to work this out with you, and I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

The messages being sent are subtly different. The “but” statement implies an “either, or” situation. Either we work this out, or I get my needs met.

By replacing “but” with “and,” you imply that both conditions can be met; you just don’t know how…. yet.

Get feedback and confirmation. A great way to ensure the meaning of your message is actually being conveyed is to ask. Again, doing so with empathy will usually result in genuine attempts at understanding. Doing so without empathy results in conflict.

Request, don’t demand. We cannot force anybody to do what we want, at least not for the long term. However, when we request something from somebody else with empathy, we usually generate a genuine desire within them to help.

Even if they cannot do what we are asking, they will most likely work with us to find another way to meet our needs.

When we demand, we generate resentment and resistance, and rarely get our needs met.

You hopefully noticed that empathy is the key ingredient of successful communications, and that empathy must be present from the very beginning, in the message being communicated. Given this, it should also be obvious that the sender is the only person that can be responsible for the way his or her message is received.

A message delivered with empathy will show concern for the needs of the recipients as well as the senders. It will be crafted in a way that the recipient can understand. And the sender will clarify understanding, and if necessary, change the way the message is crafted to ensure understanding.

Empathy is an important part of any relationship. Being able to view things from another’s perspective, place yourself in their position, and feel what they feel makes forming very deep bonds possible. But too often, even the most compassionate people avoid opportunities to empathize and bond with those who should be closest to them.

Husbands and wives, parents and children, families and others sometimes get so preoccupied and “used to” each other that they simply stop making the effort, or worse, don’t realize an effort is needed. Usually, lack of empathy is not malicious, or even realized until the relationship splinters, and then there is surprise. The emotional bank account is empty.

The good news is that there are ways to ensure that the emotional bank account stays in the green. I’ve listed some of these ways in a previous post, so won’t repeat them here. Instead, I’m going to focus on building emotional connections. And the best way to do this is to become a collector of emotional moments.

What does it mean to be a collector of emotional moments?

When I talk about becoming a collector of emotional moments, what I mean is looking for opportunities to connect emotionally with others. And when those opportunities arise, never miss them, and always celebrate them. As you take the opportunity to recognize, celebrate and collect these emotional moments, your relationships leave the mundane and practical, and become emotional themselves. In other words, they deepen on an empathic level.

Dr. John Gottman talks about these special emotional moments being like pearls in a string of pearls. Each pearl is unique and represents a time when each person is fully present in the moment with the other, and connecting on a deep level. As this string of pearls gets longer, the relationship deepens and the emotional bank account grows. As it does, each partner in the relationship becomes more mindful of the other, and better able to be empathic towards the other, even in difficult times. The relationship grows beyond superficial and can withstand the inevitable disagreements and challenges every relationship faces.

How do you start?

The first step in becoming a collector of emotional moments is to make a determination that the relationship is worth deepening, because like most things, developing the necessary skills takes time and effort. Once you have made the decision to deepen the relationship, then you begin to look for these moments. This requires that you be present, and attuned, to your partner.

Notice when he expresses himself emotionally, and recognize the emotional expression as a bid for connection, even if it may not seem so. Facial expressions, tones, body language are all clues to your partner’s emotional state. Look for when they are happy, sad, angry, fearful, or in any other emotional state and be present, unconditionally. Let her know that you recognize and understand their emotions with your own expressions, words and gestures. Its that simple. Mere acknowledgement and understanding, without argument or excuses, build emotional connections, and the emotional bank account.

The challenge and the payoff

The challenge in becoming a collector of emotional moments is usually that doing so requires significant changes in relationship habits. To be a good collector, you have to proactively look for and seize on opportunities to connect with others. You have to be present and mindful, and you have to sometimes put yourself at risk of your partner’s anger or even contempt, without reacting defensively or arguing… even when you are convinced you are right. You just have to believe that at some point you will have the opportunity to share your point of view when it can be heard by your partner. This takes courage and faith.

But, the payoffs are tremendous, and if you have the faith and courage to become a collector, your relationships will reach new levels of meaningfulness.

To learn more about deepening your relationships, and becoming a collector of emotional moments, order a copy of Dr. Gottman’s book, The Relationship Cure.

I’ve written many posts on this blog about improving relationships. I’ve talked about building the emotional bank account, being mindful of your partners and friends, being engaged and proactive, and about the building blocks of any relationship – the bid.

All of these are important and proactive ways to improve relationships. Understanding the bid is the most fundamental skill. Just as knowing how to offer and respond to bids for connection appropriately is fundamental to building relationships, there are some ways that your responses to bids can surely destroy your relationships.

Here are 6 responses to bids for connections that will ruin your relationships

Be defensive. Shifting responsibility or blame to your partner is a sure way to start a nasty argument. Let’s face it, in any dispute nobody is purely innocent. Reacting defensively creates a wall of separation and destroys empathy and any possibility of a positive outcome.

Learn to listen to your partner’s complaints without becoming defensive, and to empathize with them to understand your part in the problem.

Respond with contempt. The #1 killer of any relationship is contempt. Once contempt sneaks in, it is like poison and must be remedied immediately. When you respond with contempt, you send a clear message that you do not value the person or the relationship, even if you don’t really mean it.

Guard against hurtful or disrespectful comments, even in the heat of an argument. Find the positives in the other person’s character, and focus on the behavior, not personal attacks. This is where being a collector of emotional moments comes in handy.

Be domineering. When you attempt to dominate or control your partner, child, or friend, you show lack of empathy or concern for their position. The relationship is no longer mutual.

Make genuine efforts to listen, and accept that you don’t have to convince the other of your point of view. Learn to agree to disagree, and accept the value of the other person’s point of view. Remember, “the map is not the territory.”

Be beligerent. When you are combative, provocative, or sarcastic you send the message that you want to fight, and potentially hurt, the other person. Your goal is no longer to find agreement, or even express your views or feelings, but to WIN.

When you feel you are losing your temper and becoming belligerent, take a break. Come back to the discussion when you can avoid combative, provocative, or sarcastic language.

Contradict the other person whenever possible. We all know how infuriating it can be when somebody purposely contradicts every minor point we make. When you find yourself doing this, ask yourself why you are doing it. What is the motive? Are you simply trying to anger the other?

Ignore minor mistakes or discrepancies. Focus on the goal… to resolve the issue and build the relationship.

Be critical of the person. When you attack the person instead of the behavior you are being critical, and attacking the person’s character.

Again, focus on the issue and behaviors, not on the person. Remember, a person is not his or her behavior. Attacking the person only encourages defensiveness and escalation.

Presumably, if you choose to be in a relationship with another person you see value in that person, or in the relationship. Keep this in mind when the other makes bids for connection, and remember, anger is a bid. Your response should be one that achieves the goal of developing or deepening the relationship. After all, why be in a relationship at all if its a bad one, or one that’s not worth having?

Check out these books to learn more about building great relationships.

What is the collective unconscious?
Carl Jung, perhaps the second most famous name in pscychology after Freud, coined the phrase “collective unconscious” in his 1939 work, “The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious.” He suggested that, in addition to the personal consciousness we are part of a greater, shared consciousness of humanity. This collective unconscious accounts for values and concepts that are shared among all human kind. Unlike the personal conscious, which is developed from our personal experience, the collective unconscious is inherited from our ancestors. In other words, it is part of our innate being. It is not learned through individual experience.

While some people, even a handful of pscyhiatrists and psychologists, may view the idea of a collective consciousness as so much hippie, new age, nonsense, genetic research and neuroscience is now providing a basis for the concept.

Even the most skeptical psychologists and scientists accept that personality is influenced by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. The implication of this acknowledgement is that, to some degree, personality characteristics are passed down from generation to generation through genetic code. We also generally accept that our personality influences the way we view and interpret the world around us. In other words, these codes may influence our values.


What about choice?
The notion that we may effectively be born with predispositions to particular ways of viewing the world does not necessarily mean that we are predestined to do so. Just as scientists are discovering the influence of genetics on our personalities and values, they are also discovering that environmental factors influence our genes. In other words, we may have genetic predispositions to certain ways of viewing our world, but these genes are activated by our experiences. Hence, when we say our values are passed down from our parents, what we mean is that the environment we grow up in and the people we grow up around actually influence and activate our genes.

Sounds pretty far out there, I admit, but there is a growing body of scientific evidence that supports this theory.

Human connections
One possible way that our interactions with other people may act on our genes may be explained by recent discoveries in neuroscience. These discoveries seem to support the theory that human beings form mind-to-mind connections with each other on a neurological level. These connections happen unconsciously and automatically in virtually every encounter we have.

The facilitators of these connections are called mirror neurons. And we humans have a lot of them, which is a good thing, because mirror neurons are essential to learning and empathy. Mirror neurons work just as their name implies. They mirror in ourselves, on a neurological level, what we witness others experience. In other words, when we see another person eating a banana, mirror neurons fire in the same area of the brain that is responsible for eating a banana ourselves. Likewise, if we watch another person swing a baseball bat, we actually experience on a neurological level what it is like to swing the bat. In this way we learn by watching others. In fact, neuroscientists believe that mirror neurons are essential for learning, especially in infants and children.

Similarly, when we think about doing something, or rehearse it in our mind, as we may do during visualization, the very same neurons that would fire if we were actually doing the event fire when we are just imagining it. This is why meditation and guided visualization are such powerful learning tools.

Realizing the importance of mirror transmitters helps us understand why it is that moods are contagious as well. When we observe someone else in any given mood we receive cues from that person that we may not even be consciously aware of. Although science has not mapped out precisely how this works, I speculate that these cues are then processed and mimicked in our own minds by mirror neurons, which generate the same feelings, moods, etc. that we detect in the other person. This mechanism would also explain the workings of empathy, or how we can immediately interpret other’s facial expressions, etc.

So why is this important?
Recognizing that we share a collective consciousness is valuable on both philosophical and practical levels. Philosophically, this realization should reinforce our sense of community, and make us want to understand the actions of others without judging them. This in itself would go a long way in resolving conflicts between people, and even nations.

On a practical level, recognizing our abilities to spread our moods and energy to others is extremely valuable. When we understand the effect our moods may have on others we can become more conscious of how we are feeling to create moods that are desirable in other people. Imagine a platoon sergeant that is leading his men into a dangerous mission. He knows from his training and experience that if he shows fear, his men will be afraid and this may put them and the mission in danger. So he composes himself prior to briefing his men and prior to going on the mission. His men draw courage and confidence from his demeanor. A less extreme example commonly occurs with parents and their children. If Mom or Dad view going to the dentist with dread, so will the kids. But if Mom and Dad adopt a positive attitude to going, then kids will be less fearful.

The lesson from this is that we are all connected on a neurological level, and have tremendous ability to affect others and the world around us without even realizing it. So it is important to be aware of your moods, states, and attitudes. They are contagious.

The great things about friendship is its an all volunteer relationship. Your friends are your friends for no other reason than they want to be. They are not obligated by work requirements, family connections, or any other bond. The relationship exists for no other reason than mutual affection.

The voluntary nature of friendship is one of the characteristics that make our friends special to us. In true friendships, there are no ulterior motives. However, this voluntary nature can also make friendships fragile. Even the closest friendships have boundaries, or should have, and once those boundaries are crossed too many times, the friendship may dissolve. Thus, while its voluntary nature makes friendship a special kind of relationship, it also requires that friendships be carefully nurtured and grown.

The care and nurturing of friendships: 2 basic concepts

1. Look at the way you bid for connection with your friends. You may remember that I talked about bids in relationships in my two part serious on Building better relationships. The bid is the fundamental building block of relationships. Bids are effectively attempts to form connections, or bonds, between people who are in relationships. They come in many different forms, some more easily recognizable than others.

The best way to deepen and grow your friendships is to become aware of the ways you give and receive bids from your friends. As a rule, the more we bid and accept bids from our friends, the deeper and better our friendships are. So, pay attention to the bidding that is going on in your friendships, and make real efforts to turn towards them as often as possible.

Some examples of bids are:

• Attempts to engage in conversation.
• Invitations do get together.
• Offers of gifts.
• Complaints – yes, complaints. Oddly enough, if a friend complains, he or she is seeking to connect in a way to discuss a problem they are having. The way you respond to this bid can have significant impact on the friendship.
• Requests for advice, or help.
• Playfulness.

Bids come in many forms, and it would be impossible to list all types. As a rule, any time a friend seeks your attention or seeks to connect in some way, consider it a bid.

2. Build the emotional bank account. Like any relationship, friendships have their ups and their downs. We are all human, and humans occasionally have disagreements, and sometimes fall out with one another. In a healthy friendship, these ruptures are short lived. In not so healthy friendships they can be permanent, and the friendship may end. The scary part is that disagreements can be over the smallest of things, particularly if one or both friends are having bad days.

So, what is the difference between a temporary rupture and a friendship ending one? In simple terms, it is the amount of goodwill that exists within the relationship before the rupture. One way to think about goodwill in friendships is to imagine that it exists in an emotional bank account. As friendships progress we make deposits of goodwill into the account, and sometimes we make withdrawals. The more goodwill that is in the account, the more we will be able to withdraw without closing it.

The way we make deposits into the emotional bank account is related to the bidding discussed in the first point. By regularly making bids for connection, and responding well to bids from our friends, we make deposits in the account. When we fail to make bids, or regularly turn away from the bids of our friends, we make withdraws. If we make more withdraws than deposits, then we eventually become overdrawn and the account may be closed.

Some ways to build the emotional bank account are:

• Show concern for your friends. Ask “How are you?” in a sincere way. Be available to talk about problems your friends may be having, or share in their successes.
• Offer spontaneous suggestions to go out or get together. Don’t be offended if your friends cannot make it, though. The offer itself shows tou are interested in building the relationship.
• Accept spontaneous offers to get together whenever you can. When you can’t accept, don’t feel bad, but offer an explanation and suggest an alternative time or plan.
• Be ready to give advice to friends, but only when they ask for it. As a rule, don’t offer advice without permission.
• Be ready to accept advice, and even criticism, from your friends without becoming defensive. Always assume a positive motive unless you have reason to assume otherwise.
• Get to know your friends. This may sound like odd advice, but learning about their past, their dreams for the future, the challenges they face in the present, their family history, etc. shows that you are interested. Ask questions, but not in an overbearing way.
• Find mutual interests and grow them.
• Show an interest in your friend’s family.
• Be active and present in the relationship. Make an effort.

These are just a few ways to deposit goodwill into the emotional bank account. Always look for others, and when the inevitable disagreement comes, the account will be healthy enough to withstand it.

Friendships can be both rewarding and complex. The most fundamental rule to building great friendships is to never take the relationship for granted. Friendships, like all relationships, take time and effort to grow and nurture. But in a good friendship, that time and effort does not really seem like work, and the payoffs of having a great friend are beyond measure.

Re-posted from Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds
http://www.brilliantminds.co.uk

The ‘linguistic’ part of NLP has long been the part of greatest interest to me. After all, there are limited opportunities in the working day to use the Swish Pattern, the Phobia Model or Parts Integration if, like me, you’re not a full-time coach or therapist. But every single day we talk to other people.

We talk to other people to inform them or influence them. We ask questions of other people, we try to persuade them to collaborate, to co-operate or to buy from us. So what could be more important than knowing how to use language to get the result you want?

This is a big topic. (My ‘Leadership through Everyday Conversation’ self-study manual covers the language patterns you’d learn at Practitioner level and it’s hundreds of pages long!) So where to start?

One of the most powerful patterns that you can adopt is easy to learn and simple to use. Simply start telling people what you want, instead of what you don’t want. Effectively, you edit the word ‘don’t’ out of your vocabulary.

You might be wondering why this is so important. Well, if I tell you ‘don’t worry about this, it’s not difficult, it won’t take long’, what are you thinking? You’re probably already thinking that it sounds like a problem. It’s the same principle that means that if someone says to you, “Don’t think about a pink daffodil” you’ll immediately get a picture in your mind’s eye of a just that – a pink daffodil.

It’s much easier to make a mental representation of ‘a pink daffodil’ than of ‘not a pink daffodil’. In fact, it’s almost impossible to make a mental picture of ‘not a pink daffodil’. We need language to create negatives and that adds a second stage to the thinking process and reverses the first stage of the process. It’s almost a mixed message. And not surprisingly, it can generate mixed results.

So, what’s the answer? Stop using ‘don’t’ and ‘not’ and replace them with ‘do’ and ‘is’ or whatever equivalent makes sense in the context. By doing this, you enable the listener to make sense of what you say in one easy step. They have a clear mental representation of what you want.
Here are some examples:
“Don’t worry, it’s not difficult” becomes, “I know you’ll find this easy”
“Don’t forget the meeting tomorrow” becomes, “Remember the meeting tomorrow” or even better, “See you at the meeting tomorrow”.
“Don’t tell the customer that we’ve messed up the order” becomes “Tell the customer that their order is delayed”.

This takes practice. Many of us grew up hearing ‘don’t’ and it’s become a habitual pattern in expressing ourselves. To get out of the habit, practice using positive language when you have time to think about what you want to say, such as when you write an email or prepare a presentation. The rest of the time, let yourself off the hook so that you can retain your usual fluency of expression. The more you practice when you have time to think about it, the more it will become an unconscious pattern in your everyday conversation.

And here are a few examples for you to practice on – have a go at writing an alternative for each of these everyday patterns that use negations:
“You don’t have to work late if you can’t get it all done”
“Don’t tell them everything you know”
“Don’t dominate the discussion”
“It’s not what I wanted”
“No problem!”

If you’d like to develop your skill with language, have a look at the ‘Leadership through Everyday Conversation’ self-study manual.

The meaning of a communication is in the way it is received. This is one of the Presuppositions of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and was a very difficult one for me to accept at first. However, as with many of the premises of NLP, they seem to grow on you and begin make more sense over time.

When we wish to convey a particular message and it is not interpreted in the way we wish, we often blame the recipient for not understanding. When you think about it… really think about it, such blame does not make much sense. In doing so we are setting an unrealistic expectation for the recipient. We are essentially expecting that the recipient will read our minds, and interpret our words in the same way we interpret them.

If the message we are trying to convey is an important one, we must accept responsibility for ensuring it is received and interpreted in the manner we intend. Doing so requires a great deal of care and skill.

Here are six ways we can ensure our message is understood:

1. Be aware of your objective. What are you trying to communicate? What is the purpose? What are the key points? How do you wish the recipient to interpret the communication? All of these are important for you to understand. After all, if you don’t know the answers to these questions, how can the recipient?

2. Avoid vague language. It is important, particularly when attempting to communicate a complex or difficult message, to use precise language. Choosing words that convey the precise meaning you are looking for may mean taking more time to think before you transmit, but can be well worth it. Using vague language leaves room for misinterpretations and misunderstandings, and may yield unexpected results.

3. Be honest about your own needs. When we are communicating with others we are typically seeking to have a need fulfilled. The need may be practical, such as getting a piece of information from someone, or it may be to have a deeper emotional need satisfied. If we are not clear or hones about our own needs when we are communicating we may convey unwanted or unhelpful messages such as confusion, frustration, impatience or even anger as our needs go unmet.

4. Communicate in the positive. Sometimes the best way to get somebody to do something is to tell them not to do it. When we communicate what we don’t want we may send unwanted subconscious cues to our recipients that attract their attention to the unwanted results instead of the result we actually want. Requests framed in the negative; e.g. “don’t do…” – may also set a negative tone to the conversation.

It is usually best to frame communications in the positive to clearly communicate the desired effect or need you want to convey. For instance, instead of saying “Don’t forget to pick up the laundry,” it is better to say, “Please remember to pick up the laundry.” The second phrase is positive, and avoids the potential conveyance of the subliminal command to actually forget the laundry.

5. Get feedback or confirmation of the message. Sometimes we are not certain how our message is being received. During these times, particularly if the message is critical or very important, it is advisable to get feedback or confirmation of the message. A simple question like, “Can you tell me what you think I meant by what I said?” can go a long way towards understanding how the recipient is interpreting your message. You may also ask something like, “How does what I said make you feel?” can give you insight into the impact your message is having on the recipient. If you want an opinion on your message, you may ask, “Can you tell me what you think about what I’ve said?”

All of these types of questions can give you insights and valuable information into how your message is being received and interpreted, as well as offer opportunities for clarification. However, the questions must be delivered appropriately to ensure they do not generate defensiveness. When asking for feedback or confirmation, you must do so with genuine intent and sincerity. Any hint of animosity or sarcasm will most likely result in a constructive response.

6. Request, don’t demand. Coercion may work in the short term, but it almost inevitably leads to rebellion in the long term. The best way to get your needs met is to request, not demand. Unfortunately, we sometimes make demands without intending to, or even being aware we are doing it.

The litmus test for whether we are making a demand or a request is to evaluate the consequences of the recipient not accepting it. If there are consequences for the request’s denial – emotional, physical, or otherwise , we are not making a request. We are making a demand.

Gottman does it again. In The Relationship Cure he combines the insights gained from over 30 years of relationship counseling with the outcomes of literally thousands of case studies and the resultant research data to clearly and plainly describe a fundamental element that defines the way our relationships work: the bid.

Bidding in relationships is the way we attempt to connect with others. Bids happen in every relationship we have, whether they are long term or short term, emotional or non-emotional, transactional or collaborative, or any other type. The way we bid, and respond to bids, determines whether the relationship will grow, or not.

Again, bidding occurs in marriages, in work relationships, friendships, and even when you check out at the grocery store. Failure to bid, or respond to bids, in a manner that shows you are interested in the relationship – whatever type it is – most often leads to collapse of the relationship.

Gottman discusses in depth how to bid, and respond to bids, in ways that develop and deepen relationships of all types. For instance, he devotes an entire chapter to the 6 bid busters and how to avoid them. He provides exercises that help you identify how you bid and react to bids, as well as how your emotional heritage affects your bidding style. He also provides a chapter on your brain’s emotional command systems to help you identify how your thinking and behaviors affect your bidding style.

The combination of these exercises, and the plain language Gottman uses to describe the ins and outs of bidding, are sure to help anybody learn more about themselves, their friends, parners, work colleagues, and how to develop better relationships.

In short, The Relationship Cure is all about the bid… and the bid is what makes or breaks relationships. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

In Building Great Relationships, Part I we discussed the importance of relationships, and the role the bid plays in developing (or destroying) relationships of all kinds.

In Part II we will talk about how to master the art of the bid. John Gottman provides five fundamental steps:

1. Gain an understanding of how you bid, and how you respond to bids of others. You may remember from Part I that most of us are not even aware of many of the bids we are receiving. Being unaware can be catastrophic as bids from others may go by without acknowledgement, or this lack of awareness may be taken as outright hostility. It’s important to pay conscious attention to your partners, colleagues, friends, etc. and identify how they make their bids, and to make real effort to respond favorably whenever possible.

Likewise, its important to actively bid yourself. One of the most common mistakes in marriage is complacency. Partners simply stop bidding for each others connections. This is the road to separation, divorce and hostility. Make the effort to show other people you are interested in the relationship.

2. Pay attention to how your emotions affect the way you bid. If you are in a difficult relationship, or generally stressed, you may find it hard to muster the energy to bid.

The first step to overcoming this difficulty is awareness. Once you have awareness of the issues that are holding your back, then you can begin to work on them either in therapy, through self-hypnosis, meditation, or other methods. Do not be afraid to seek out help. Having a strong support structure with healthy relationships is therapy in itself. Its well worth the effort.

3. Be aware if how your emotional past affects your bidding style, and your ability to form deep relationships with others. Let’s face it: we all have baggage. And this baggage affects the way we build and manage our relationships. If you come from a life’s situation that makes it difficult for you to develop close relationships, this will make it difficult for you to place yourself in the vulnerable position of bidding.

Again, awareness is the first step. The second is processing the emotional trauma (e.g. baggage) and either resolving or accepting it so you can develop the nurturing relationships that are key to happiness and mental health. Once again, don’t be afraid to seek help. Its worth it!

4. Develop emotional communication skills. In other words, learn how to bid. A big part of learning how to bid is developing the ability to empathize with others. We are all different, and we all send and receive bids differently. What you may think of as a huge bid for affection may not be received that way if its not delivered in the right way, at the right time, or even if it’s the wrong bid. Learn about how your friends, partners, colleagues give and receive bids, and what is important to them.

For example, if your girlfriend or boyfriend values creativity on Valentines, don’t go to Hallmark for a card. Make one for him or her! If a business partner is mostly concerned about a product being delivered on time, don’t expect him to be thrilled with late delivery even if you discount the product.

Likewise, learn to appreciate bids even when they are not what you would prefer. If you receive a store bought gift from a loved one when you really wanted something hand made by them, accept it gratefully. Recognize that the fact the other person bid at all has value. You may over the course of the relationship discuss what is important to you, and over time get the kinds of bids you really want.

5. Find common ground. Many organizations and families have traditions and ceremonies. These traditions and ceremonies serve as common heritage and creates strong bonds. Learn to find shared values in your relationships, and develop traditions and ceremonies that deepen the bonds in the relationship.

These five steps take practice. They are not quick fixes. But over time you will notice your relationships deepening and becoming more satisfying if you develop these skills. And your partners, friends, colleagues, etc. will learn these skills by your example as well.