Suffering = Pain x Resistance

This is a formula developed by Buddhist teacher Shinzen Young to describe how our suffering is not caused by the pain (physical, emotional, or psychological) we experience, but by our resistance of it. In other words, suffering is not caused by the actual events that we experience, but by our reaction to them. When we struggle against our experiences, we suffer for it. The path to eliminating suffering is to fully accept our experiences.

While this concept of suffering has its origins in Buddhism, it is not exclusively Buddhist. Many therapists in the West have embraced the philosophy of acceptance. Indeed, research into acceptance based therapies has shown them to be as effective, or more effective, than traditional therapies for some mental conditions, such as anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, and others.

But you don’t have to be diagnosed with a mental condition to benefit from acceptance. Learning to accept your experiences is also a key part of learning and growing from them.

But how can accepting a bad experience be a good thing?

In order to understand how acceptance works, its important to differentiate between suffering and pain. According to the philosophy, pain itself is not subjective. Its part of the reality of experience. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, it hurts. If you break up with your partner, it hurts. If a loved one dies, it hurts. There is no avoiding that pain. However, you can choose how you relate to that pain. The way you relate to the reality of pain determines how much you suffer because of it.

This may seem like a crazy notion to many, particularly those of us from Western cultures, where we are taught from birth that pain is something to be avoided or limited. But when you consider that pain is almost always accompanied by emotion, it begins to make sense (at least I think it does;) ). If you can think of a time when you were in pain, and allowed your emotions to run wild, versus another time when you were in pain, but were able to keep a cooler head, you may find that your suffering (not your pain) was less when you were in control.

This is an example of how pain and suffering are not the same thing. In fact, martial artists, athletes, and the military train to separate the pain from the suffering to enable them to push beyond normal physical and emotional limits. Marathon runners learn to live with the physical and psychological pain of running 24 miles. There are countless stories of how military members in combat continue to fight on despite horrific wounds. Holocaust victims and prisoners of war report that their ability to accept their situations and remove themselves from the pain they experienced enabled them to survive and even thrive during their captivity.

These are all examples of how changing the way we relate to pain changes the way we experience it. By doing so we not only eliminate suffering, but can also have a great influence the world around us.

The paradox… and how it works

After reading that last sentence, you may have thought, “Hold on! Wait a minute! How can I accept what is going on and change it?” This is the paradox of acceptance.

Think about a time when you were really – and I mean really – attached to an idea or particular way of doing something; e.g. you were being really really stubborn. Maybe somebody you knew or worked with had a different idea than yours. If you were dead set on your own idea, how would you react to the other person’s idea? If you are like most people, you would probably fight for your own point of view even if all evidence showed you were wrong, and maybe even get a bit emotional about it. You may not even realize that the other person’s way of doing the thing – whatever it is – could be a better way. By being unable to consider the other’s point of view, you eliminate the chance of creating a better outcome.

If we become wedded to a particular way of doing something, and continue to try and do it the same way over and over even though it does not work well – or at all – we forfeit the possibility that we can actually change the situation.

Both of these are examples of how not accepting reality – that someone may have a better idea, or that the way we are doing something does not work – causes suffering and prohibits us from being able to change it.

On the other hand, if we could remove emotion and look at reality in an unfiltered way – in other words if we could accept reality for what it is – we put ourselves in a position to expand our awareness, use our creativity, and consciously respond to the situation instead of simply reacting to it emotionally. In this way we have much more ability to influence reality.

Acceptance and personal growth

Acceptance greatly increases your ability to grow as a person. In fact, personal growth is impossible without it. A key element of personal growth is the ability to self reflect, or to see ourselves for who we really are, and who we could become. If we are unable to accept our flaws, weakness, or shortcomings, we cannot hope to ever overcome them.

This is the same paradox discussed above. By not accepting ourselves for who we are, we may be tempted to fight against our flaws, creating greater suffering and actually deepening the flaws by obsessing over them. But, if we can look at ourselves, and acknowledge that we have flaws, and look at these flaws non-judgmentally, and accept them, then we unblock our ability to improve ourselves.

For example, let’s say that I am horrible at math. If I deny that I am horrible at math, and refuse to accept that I am horrible at math, how can I ever hope to improve my math skills? If I don’t accept this flaw, I won’t feel compelled to study more, take a class, or find a tutor. Or, I may decide that math just isn’t important, and avoid the flaw altogether. Both situations are potentially very limiting.

But if I accept that I am horrible at math, and look at the flaw objectively (without judgment), then I open up the possibility of finding ways to improve my math skills. Doing so not only results in improving those skills, but also in self-awareness, which leads to personal growth.

Acceptance can be a difficult concept for many, particularly in Western societies where we are taught to not accept bad situations or imperfections. We are taught (or at least I was) that in order to change we never accept imperfections, and must fight against them. This sometimes works, but more often than not, is the source of great suffering – even if the outcome is eventually good.

Acceptance may also be misunderstood as pacifism. This is not the case. Acceptance really means accepting reality for what it is. In doing so, we are able to view that reality non-judgmentally, without emotion, and open up the possibility of responding to reality consciously, not instinctively. Conscious responses are always more effective than reactive responses, and give us much more flexibility to deal with and change our reality.

Integrity is another of those slippery concepts, much like “character.” When people talk about integrity, they often do so in the context of being honest. This is certainly an aspect of integrity.

However, this honesty extends beyond telling the truth to others. More importantly, integrity means being truthful with ourselves. For the purposes of this post, I will refer to this kind of truth as internal integrity, although there really is no separating being truthful to oneself, and being truthful to others.

Being truthful to oneself may seem easy – almost automatic – but I suggest that most of use are in fact big fat liars when it comes to internal integrity. The majority of people in the world, or at least in modern, industrialized nations, are very much out of touch with who they really are. How can somebody possess internal integrity if they are living a life that others dictate for them?

What do I mean? Since early childhood we are conditioned to follow social and moral rules. Don’t get me wrong, many (most?) of these rules are absolutely good and necessary to maintain peaceful society. But others serve only to stifle personal development, and more specifically, growing to be the persons that we really are.

For instance, society’s (at least our society’s) rules for success are roughly: obey all rules, hang out with the right people, do well in school, go to college, get a great (e.g. – high paying) job, etc. And even after we do all of that, more rules still apply: conform with company policies, fit in to corporate culture, network with the right people, climb the company ladder, make even more money… That is how society defines success.

In short, we are brought up to conform to societal norms and succeed by society’s standards, not to “find our true selves.” In fact, in the U.S. taking time out from the path of “success” to “find oneself” is considered by most to be rather flaky.

Many people are so disconnected with who they are, so entrenched in living the life society expects them to live, that this whole notion of being one’s true self is beyond comprehension.

But in order to possess integrity, one must do exactly that. How can someone have integrity if they are being who and what society wants them to be, and not being their true selves? In essence, they are lying to themselves, and often are unaware that they are doing so.

Being our true selves

So what does it mean to be one’s true self? I propose that being one’s true self means being aware of, and acting in a way that is aligned with, ones inner self. That is to say, having a deep understanding of one’s own thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and values, and acting in a manner that is consistent with them.

In a nutshell, being oneself means acting and being on the outside the way we actually are on the inside. To do otherwise is a lie.

Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard said that the deepest form of despair is to “choose to be another than himself.” In essence, to be someone who lacks integrity. Someone who acts in a manner that contradicts his true being.

Kiergegaard goes on to hypothesize that being ones true self is the deepest responsibility of a person.

Learning to first understand who we really are, then to live that way, is the goal of personal development.

It requires staring hard at our internal states, emotions, and thoughts – regardless of how turbulent they may be, and reconciling them with values that are truly our own (not dictated by society). It requires knowing ourselves in a deep way – knowing our own strengths and limitations, and accepting both with unconditional positive regard.

When we try to deny these things about ourselves, or struggle against them, we are living without integrity.

This does not mean that we should not seek to improve. One of the paradoxes about acceptance is that great personal growth often comes when we accept things we do not like or understand. This acceptance often actually results in change, while struggling against who we really are results in pain and stagnation.

This website has a number of posts that talk about the “how’s” of personal reflection and growth, so I won’t get in to them, here. But I encourage all of my readers to think about the meaning of integrity, and think about how closely aligned their life is with who they really are.

Carl Rogers, the famous humanistic psychotherapist, said that the #1 question every single one of his clients struggled to answer was “who am I? Really?” According to Rogers, to not know, or to know and not act accordingly, is the largest source of psychological suffering.

Character is a slippery topic. Do a Google search on character and you will find dozens of different definitions and concepts of character. Many of these focus on moral qualities, such as trustworthiness, honesty, loyalty, courage, etc. But these qualities, while they may contribute to character, do not really capture the essence of what having character actually means. After all, each of these qualities are highly subjective; for instance, what it means to have courage to one person or culture may be entirely different to another. And loyalty is problematic as well, as sometimes we are caught between conflicting loyalties.

So how can we define character?

If character cannot be defined in terms of distinct moral traits, then how can it be defined? I propose that character is best defined by behaviors, and the outcomes of those behaviors. More specifically, I think the best definition of character I have come across is doing what is necessary to achieve a goal.

This definition is devoid of moral judgment, which as mentioned above is not absolute. When we really think about character we think about accomplishing goals in the face of adversity. In sports, a team is said to “have character” when they overcome overwhelming odds to achieve victory. In combat we say a soldier, sailor, airman or Marine displays character when they stand in the face of superior firepower and risk their own lives to save others or to accomplish a mission. In school, a student is said to have character if she studies hard in a difficult topic to pass an exam.

I propose that this same definition – doing what it takes to achieve a goal – applies in life in general.

Morality revisited

For some, this definition may be offensive to some degree because it has no overt moral base. Some may say that in each example above their are moral traits being exhibited; e.g. loyalty, courage, dedication. I do not argue this is not the case. As I mentioned in the beginning, moral traits may contribute to character. But in my view they do not define character.

What defines character is seeing the goal, and striving at all costs to achieve it. In the process of striving to achieve the goal, a person may suffer greatly, sacrifice greatly, and have to make tough choices. The ability to endure in the face of these adversities, and make the right choices, is what real character is about… not abstract or subjective notions of morality.

What do you think? Please comment!

Many years ago while I was still a midshipman at the Naval Academy I had the fortune of spending part of my summer training at the Marine Corps Officer Candidate School (OCS), and The Basic School (TBS) learning how to become a Marine Corps officer.

Although I ultimately decided to accept my commission in the Navy and not the Marines, I learned a great deal from my OCS and TBS experiences. First, and foremost I learned that I could actually do far more than I thought I was capable of. Part of this lesson was learning about the things that hold many people back from achieving their potential. And, one of the main culprits is fear.

This lesson was reinforced one early morning when we were navigating the Tarzan Assault Course at OCS. To get a perspective on the value of the lesson, its useful to understand the nature of the Tarzan Course. It is a series of rope obstacles suspended about 10-20 feet above the ground in trees. At various points you jump, crawl, slide, or walk along these ropes, and (at least when we did it) there was no safety net or lanyards. You pretty much navigated the course or fell to the deck.

I recall one particular part of the course where we were required to slide backwards down a rope without using our hands. We simply had to lay on the rope, which was about 2” diameter, hook one foot over it, push off, and let go with our hands, and slide. This was the scariest part of the course for me, probably because it felt like I had given up all control. I remember getting on the rope, heart pounding, and hearing the drill instructor shout up at me “FEAR WILL GET YOU HURT!”… along with a few other things I cannot repeat on the blog.

So, deciding I was more afraid of the drill instructor, and the embarrassment of not completing the course, than I was of falling, I pushed off and let go. And I made it. The lesson for me was that sometimes thing seem a lot scarier than they are, and with courage and determination, any obstacle can be overcome. I also learned that fear is a state of mind that can undermine people’s efforts, and keep them from achieving their potential.

This is not to say that fear never serves a useful purpose. It does. Fear is a survival mechanism that may keep us alive at times. However, when fear becomes paralyzing, or begins to generate irrational limiting beliefs in us, it becomes a barrier to our success and happiness. The trick is not to be fearless, but to understand the nature of our fears, and to master them.

Think about the things that you are afraid of, and really assess how rational some of these fears are, and how they may be holding you back. You may find that many of your fears really don’t serve a constructive or useful purpose.

Going green is all the rage these days, and it makes sense. Aside from the highly politicized issues of global warming, living a greener lifestyle has some very practical benefits. By going green you can reduce your exposure to toxic chemicals, eat healthier foods, live a more active and healthy lifestyle, and even save money.

Here are 10 easy ways you can live greener

1. Turn off lights you are not using (and use only the lights you need). I remember when I was growing up my parents always fussing about “every light in the house being on.” Back then the concern wasn’t the environment, it was the high cost of energy. Not much has changed since the 70’s, expect energy is even more expensive now than it was back then. By turning lights off, and only using lights that you actually need, you not only do good for the environment, you save a ton of money.

2. Cut down on the AC, heating, etc. Like lighting, we Americans tend to be obsessive about air conditioning and heating. Fact: you will live, and even learn to live comfortably, in 65 – 75 degree (F) temperature. In the summer, try not to create an ice box in your home… it really does not need to be 68 degrees inside at all times. And sweaters are made for the winter. This may sound harsh, but if you keep your thermostat set at around 75 in the summer and 65 in the winter, you will find that your body will adapt, and you will be very comfortable. And while you’re at it, turn off that computer and TV when you are not using it! Again, energy is expensive, and there is actually a shortage (which is why its expensive).

3. Walk, or ride a bike. Now, I have to admit, I love to drive. However, my British wife is pretty insistent that driving a block to buy a soda is, frankly, wasteful and stupid. And she is right. Feet were made for walking and peddling. Save gas, get healthy, and help out the environment and drive only when you need to.

4. Drink tap water. All those plastic bottles not only eventually end up in a land fill, or worse, in the ocean… and they don’t break down very quickly at all. And guess what; the $1.25 water you are drinking from that bottle is probably distilled (if you are lucky) tap water, anyway. Even if you only have 1 bottle of water each day, you could save over $35/month by simply turning on the tap. If you are really concerned about filtering, there are cheap alternatives that don’t result in that plastic bottle spending thousands of years in the ocean or land fill.

5. Plant a garden. One of the best things we have done is plant a small vegetable garden on the back yard. You don’t need acres to eat better, healthier vegetables. Our garden is basically two, 8ftx4ft plots, and there is plenty of food for the family. Even if you don’t have a back yard at all you can still plant a lot in pots. In fact, we plant some of our vegetables and herbs in pots so we can have them year round. Its cheap, its sustainable, its healthy, and its fun!

6. Compost and recycle. This is the easiest, and most neglected, way of going green in America. Most communities actually have a recycling program these days, and will even provide a recycling bin, and come and pick it up for you. It is a no brainer, and it helps the environment tremendously. Composting requires a little more effort, but not much. And if you plant that garden we just talked about, or if you have any kind of garden (flowers, lawn, etc.) it is a real benefit.

7. Go paper. Most grocery stores these days have paper bags. By packing your groceries in paper vs. plastic you are reducing the amount of plastic that is hanging around in landfills and in the ocean. Remember, plastic is not biodegradable, and will stick around for thousands of years… paper breaks down much more quickly. You are only going to use that bag for a few minutes, anyway. Be kind to the environment.

8. (If you have small children) use cloth diapers. The cloth diapers of today are not your grandmother’s cloth diapers. They are pre-fitted, and even snap on. Now I admit when my wife insisted on cloth I had visions of massive grossness. I was wrong. In fact, I find the cloth to be far less gross because the nastiness doesn’t hang around in the diaper genie for days until it gets thrown away. And, the chemicals and materials used in disposable diapers aren’t the best for the baby or the environment. Scarlet hates wearing anything but cloth, and we hate putting anything else on her. We save loads of money, have a happier and healthier baby (she has not had a single rash in 14 months… not one), and we aren’t dumping thousands of diapers each year into landfills.

9. Get rid of the chemicals. Believe it or not, you don’t need Clorox to be germ free. We made an amazing discovery about cleaning products about a year ago. Vinegar, baking soda, and lemons are really all you need to keep a sparkly clean and germ free house. I was skeptical at first, envisioning all kinds of nastiness, when we got rid of the commercial cleaners. But I don’t miss them at all, now. Again, we save a load of money, and we aren’t dumping toxic waste into the water table every time we clean.

10. Be proactive. These are just a handful of very easy and practical ways to go green. There is an absolute ton of information out there to learn more ways to live a more sustainable, healthy, and happier lifestyle. Check it out. You can save a ton of money, and do some good for your health and the environment at the same time.

We hear a lot about values. During election campaigns politicians talk about “traditional values.” There are also cultural values (“American values, European values, etc.), “family values”, “value based leadership,” etc. etc.

We hear about how important values are in society, or about important it is to instill strong value systems in our children. But, when we speak about values, what exactly are we talking about?

What are values?

While most of us have an intuitive idea about the nature of a value, few could provide a clear definition of what one actually is. Most recognize that values are generally related to something of worth, or meaning. When we say we have a particular value, we are by default assigning worth and meaning to that value. We are saying it is important to us.

For example, if we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we believe that being successful is worth something, or that it has meaning to our lives. From our statement we can assume that “success” is worth taking specific, and perhaps difficult, steps to achieve. In other words, our goals and actions will reflect the value of “success.” They form the basis for our behaviors and motivations.

Values are typically abstract concepts. For example, although you and I may both say that “success” is a value, we will most likely have at least subtle differences in how we define success. Therefore, our motivations, goals, plans, and behaviors may be very different as we pursue success.

To summarize, values define what we desire, or seek to achieve.

But there is more…

As I mentioned above, values are usally very abstract. When we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we desire success, and that success is worth some effort to achieve. But how do we clarify what success actually is?

Robert Dilts, in his book Sleight of Mouth, contends that another construct is at play in our value systems. According to Dilts, we use what are known as criteria to further define our values. The best way to describe criteria and how the relate to values is by an example.

If my definition of success is having very strong relationships with friends and family, I will probably not work 60 hours each week to get that next promotion or bonus. Instead, I will choose to do things that build those relationships over things that build my career, such as spending more time at home, or with friends, building those relationships.

On the other hand, if you define success as becoming a Vice President before age 35, you will most likely put in those extra hours, even at the expense of some of your relationships.

So, my criteria for success is strong personal and family relationships. Your criteria for success (in this example) is career growth.

Our criteria make the abstract value of success more concrete for each of us, and therefore influence our goals and behaviors.

Contemplating your own values

Most (all?) of us could sit down and write out a list of values that we believe to be sacred. Perhaps values like “honesty”, “integrity”, “loyalty”, “achievement”, “family”, and many others would appear on most of our lists. Some of these values have been passed down through our own family or national cultures. These are expected values. But how do we really know they are “our own” values?

There are two obvious tests.

First, sit down with your list of values, then go through each value and write down the criteria for that value. Odds are, if you cannot write down several criteria for any particular value, you have not really defined what that value means to you. And if you have not defined the value, you probably have not internalized it. And a value that is not internalized is not really a value that you own for yourself.

Second, after you have really defined your values, reflect on how well you actually keep them. If you say you value family, but your efforts are mostly focused towards work, there may be cause to reconsider how strongly you hold the family value. In other words, the more strongly your behavior reflects the values you purport to hold, the more strongly you actually hold those values.

The hierarchical and fluid nature of values

You may feel a little concerned or confused (or even offended) after reading the last section. There is really no need, because it is entirely possibly, even probably, that some of your values may conflict with some others. This is because values are hierarchical and fluid by nature.

This statement may surprise you because you may have been taught that values are set in stone, universal, and concrete. But on reflection, can you name a single value that actually is any of these?

Some may say that respecting human life is an absolute value. But, in the next breath we may justify killing terrorists, or a criminal that has committed murder, or another person who is threatening the life of your own child.

So, do we say that we do not value human life? No, what we would say is that we do value human life, but not as much as we value justice, or defending our own children. So when we think about each of these values: human life, justice, defending our children, we see that there is a hierarchy.

To complicate things further, some of our values and criteria may even change over time. For instance, it is not uncommon for people to change their value criteria as they grow older and experience more. A traumatic or highly emotional event may change the values a person has as well. Sometimes we may even choose to reflect on a value, and modify it or its criteria to better fit in our own map of reality.

Values are complex psychological constructs. They are ambiguous, vague, and abstract. But in our own minds we assign them criteria to further define them and make them more practical. Values govern our behaviors and motivation, and therefore our perceptions of reality.

However, it would be wrong to say they “control” us, because they are fluid and hierarchical. We have the ability to modify our values and criteria based on our own experiences and needs. I encourage you to explore your values, understand their criteria and hierarchy, and align your work and behaviors with them. In doing so you will lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Recently, I read an article on CNN.com that asked the question, “How rich is rich?”

This started to make me think about the question of “How much is enough?” If you recall, my very first post on this blog was about how we define success. In America, it seems to me that success is defined by material wealth. We place a great value on “what we do” (our job), where we live, what car we drive, and how “healthy” our 401k is. Many Americans are proud of the fact that we work 50, 60, or even more hours per week. Those who don’t work long hours are often perceived as unambitious, or even lazy.

In short, our work, and the material wealth it brings to us, becomes our identity. Don’t believe me? Try this: ask ten people to tell you who they are, and I’ll wager that at least eight of those ten people will tell you what they do; e.g. – I am Chris, and I am a lawyer; I am Lauren and I am in marketing, etc. etc.

Instead of talking about their family, hobbies, spirituality, or any of the things that truly define who a person really is, most of those you ask this question will focus on their job. I have conducted this experiment hundreds of times in seminars, social gatherings, and even at bars, and the trend is the same; people describe who they are in terms of their jobs.

What’s wrong with this?

I am not here to say that there is anything wrong with basing one’s identity on their job. We should take pride in our work, and when we truly enjoy what we do our work can bring joy and purpose to our lives.

My question is whether America’s work ethic is a result of the pure joy and purpose our jobs bring to our lives, or a matter of seeking to fulfill these needs with more toys. If you are working 50+ hours per week in a job you truly love, and one that brings meaning and fulfillment to your life, then perhaps you have found your path. On the other hand, if you are working simply to accumulate “more,” then maybe its time to take a step back and assess your life’s work.

Is the sacrifice worth “more?”

Part of this assessment is understanding what you may be sacrificing to gain “more.” When I speak of “more,” I mean more stuff; e.g. – more status, more money, a bigger house, a nicer car, a bigger TV… in other words, more material wealth. How much is it all worth?

Is it worth chronic stress, and the resulting mental and physical health problems? Is having “more” worth sacrificing a deeper relationship with family and friends? Is it worth not having the time to work on personal growth and development; e.g – reading a good book, meditating, exercising, learning?

Finally, is it worth never learning who you truly are? Is dedication to “the job,” and earning “more” worth surrendering your personal identity to the profession?

Only you can answer these questions.

So, how much is enough?

I’ll be honest. I like “stuff” as much as anybody. I understand the appeal of having “more.” I drive a BMW, have a pretty nice house, a purebred beagle, and like having money to go out to dinner occasionally. But, the question I regularly have to ask myself is how much is enough?

As with most things, I think the answer to this question (for me) is finding a balance between having a comfortable lifestyle while still maintaining the ability to continue on my path of learning and personal growth.

This is a balance that is sometimes very difficult to achieve. My wife will be the first to tell me that I try to do too much all at once. She provides some of the balance I need by being demanding when necessary. And for that I am grateful… even if not at the precise time she is being demanding!

Striking the balance

Here are some of my recommendations for striking a healthy balance:

Develop a plan. Understanding what is most important in your life is an essential first step in finding balance. You can’t get to balance if you don’t know what you want it to look like.

Developing a plan for a balanced life must start with some serious introspection. Meditation, therapy, talking with a mentor, or just sitting in quite contemplation of what it is that you want out of life for yourself and your family are ways to begin to clarify what is most important, and what balance looks like for you.

Develop a good support network. Having family and friends who value living a balanced lifestyle, and have shared goals and ideas, is a necessary part of keeping an even keel. As I mentioned, my wife is a great aid to me as I am one of those people who simply must achieve (aka, Type A personality).

Another great way to develop support networks is to subscribe to blogs (like this one!), or other local groups that promote healthy and balanced living. One of my favorite sites is Balance in Me, but there are dozens of others out there as well.

Start by taking small steps. For most people the move towards balance can seem daunting. After all, most employers would not understand your desire to work 10 fewer hours per week. And, the strain of simply quitting your day job may be too much for you, or your family, to handle. After all, the life you have built for yourself should not necessarily be simply tossed aside.

However, you can start making a transition to the balanced life you seek by working 1 or 2 fewer hours per week, designating a night each week for quality family time, or 20 minutes each day for personal development or exercise, etc. By building on these small steps you may be surprised how quickly your life can be transformed.

Revisit your plan and progress often. Let’s face it. Most people do not start out life seeking to become dissatisfied and imbalanced. Typically, imbalance results from ideas that are placed into our heads during school, like “Being an artist is a waste of time, choose a career you can make a lot of money at.” The next thing you know, you are climbing the corporate ladder, and before you know it you look down and wonder… “would I be happier as an artist?” Then the mid life crisis sets in…

So, the moral of the story here is to pay attention to your life. It is not a dress rehearsal. Periodically reflect on where you are at, and where you are going. A regular meditation schedule and an active support network can keep you on track.

We all need an occasional mental vacation; a time where we can tune out, switch off, and simply not worry about the demands that pull our lives in a hundred different directions all at once. Without the occasional break, we run the risk of burnout, depression, or even physical illness. However, by making time to unplug we can actually improve our efficiency, performance, and live happier, healthier lives.

Here are a couple of ways to take a quick mental vacation

Deep breathing. Although we are rarely aware of it, breathing has a remarkable healing power. Simply taking the time out to consciously breath can immediately reduce stress, focus the mind, and help us effectively deal with immediate challenges. Back in April I shared a 10 second breathing exercise for regaining balance. I recommend that you complete this exercise several times each day, even when you are not stressed, to maintain an even keel. It can also be very helpful during stressful situations.

Another excellent breathing exercise to use in stressful situations is the Stop -> Breath -> Think -> Act method taught to Rescue Divers. I introduced this method on the blog back in August, 2009, so won’t repeat it here. Just follow the link.

Another excellent breathing exercise to gain calm and balance is the 10 Second Breath. I recommend using this method any time you are feeling stress build, or before you go into a stressful situation. Like the 10 seconds to perfect balance exercise, it can also be used for a quick mental vacation, and should be completed any time you want to simply relax.

The process is exactly what the name implies; simply take a slow, deep, 10 second breath. The 10 Second Breath can be done with eyes open or closed, sitting, lying or standing, or in just about any situation. Simply breathe in deeply, for a slow 5 seconds, then breath out slowly for another 5 seconds. Repeat as many times as necessary. I often use this method in preparation for meditation, repeating the process 3 or more times until I am relaxed and calm.

When you only have time for a quick mental vacation, any of these breathing methods will work wonders. If you have time for a longer vacation I find mental imagery makes for an excellent and relaxing trip.

Mental imagery. Mental imagery is a form of meditation that has many uses. Professional athletes use it to prepare for big events, business executives use it before going into important meetings, surgeons use it to visualize complex operations before actually having to perform them. In short, visual imagery can be and is used to enhance performance. It can also be very useful for gaining and maintaining balance, managing stress, and achieving general well-being.

To start your mental vacation, find a calm, quite, relaxing place. If you have it you may put on some soft, calming music, or even burn a candle or some incense to help set the mood. Get comfortable, close your eyes, and breathe deeply until you feel yourself starting to relax. The 10 Second Breath works great for this part. As you begin to feel calm, focus on your body, and allow your muscles to relax. Start with your head – your brow, eyes, jaw – and move downwards along your body – shoulders, arms, chest – all the way down to your toes, and spend a few moments on each area to notice how the muscles relax. Once you are relaxed, you are ready to begin your vacation…

Now imagine yourself in a relaxing, enjoyable, and serene place. Perhaps it’s a beach, or a glen. Maybe it’s someplace you have actually been, or someplace you create in your own mind. Wherever it is, make it perfect for your purposes in your own mind. Notice the details – the textures, sounds, smells, quality of the light and air – as you allow the place to form in your mind. Totally immerse yourself in the moment and place, and allow yourself to relax. You can remain in this place for as long as you like, and you can always come back after you leave.

When you are ready to come back from vacation, simply take a few deep breaths, slowly open your eyes, and feel totally relaxed and balanced.

One of the great things about your mental vacation is it doesn’t cost a thing! Only a few minutes a day. And since you are creating it, the vacation is perfectly custom made for you every time you go there.

I encourage you to visit often!

Leading a balanced life involves maintaining a balance between our physical, mental (including emotional), and spiritual well-being. Spirituality, in whatever form it is manifested in the individual, is a key element of balance. But what is the difference between being “spiritual,” and being “religious?” Can you be one without being the other?

What does it mean to be spiritual?

Spirituality has to do with our connection to something “bigger” than ourselves and the physical world around us. I like to think of spirituality as a personal connection with divinity. The stronger that personal connection, the more spiritual we are. But what does it mean to be personally connected to the divine? How can we accomplish this? For me, it means spending time contemplating divinity. My own personal spiritual practice is primarily made up of individual meditations and interactions with nature. I do not spend a great deal of time in congregations, although I do periodically meet with others to discuss divinity in its various forms. I would classify myself as spiritual, but not terribly religious.

Spending time contemplating personal relationships to the Divine, and communing with divinity, is the cornerstone of spirituality. In doing so you develop a personal awareness of your own spirituality, and a personal connection with your own divinity, in whatever form that may be.

What does it mean to be religious?

Divinity is conceptualized differently around the world. Many (most) modern religions view divinity as a universal, single spirit, commonly referred to as God. However, there are still some religions that view divinity as a collection of spirits or beings, with each often representing a special characteristic or aspect of our world or ourselves. Hinduism, Buddhism, and even to some extent Christianity – with its concept of the Trinity, angels and demons – have a polytheistic (multiple divine beings) view of divinity.

Nature based religions; e.g. Wicca, Druidism, Neo-paganism, many of which are polytheistic in nature, are also growing in the US and elsewhere. These religions stress individual connections with the natural and supernatural world around us, and vary in their degrees of dogma and organization.

The organization and (more importantly) institutionalization of concepts of divinity is the key characteristic of religion. Religion typically consists of set rituals, gospels, and uniform beliefs that are re-affirmed and taught by religious authorities; e.g. priests, preachers, etc.

For many, being part of a religion or church is an empowering experience. The organization and regular practice of rituals may serve to deepen one’s spiritual awareness. However, many have also shunned organized religion, feeling that placing an intermediary between divinity and oneself stifles personal experience of the Divine.

Why develop your spirituality?

Whether you choose the path of organized religion or the solitary path, developing your spiritual self is a key part of living a life of balance. Being spiritual does not necessarily mean believing in God, or gods, as promoted by organized religion. Your own spiritual path may be a journey of self-awareness, and finding answers to those questions that are larger than ourselves, or even the world around us, such as what is the nature of the human soul… or does it even exist. What happens after our bodies die? What is moral, or right action? How should we interact with the world around us?

Contemplating these types of questions, whether in solitary meditation or within a congregation, are necessary for making meaning of our world. As we contemplate and grow our spirituality we also grow inner peace, and develop as human beings.

Some ways to explore your spirituality

If you are already on your own path of spiritual development I encourage you to continue. If you have not actively begun your journey, you may try some of the following to get started. Again, these are non-denominational and do not conform to any particular religion.

• Take a walk in the forest or park. Try and be aware of and focus on the nature that is around you. Many people see the Divine, or the power of creation, in the natural world.
• Spend time each day contemplating your own spirituality. You may focus on key elements of your beliefs, such as compassion, courage, right action, etc. My personal method of contemplation is usually meditation.
• Try and be mindful of how your actions fit with your spiritual beliefs. Often times we hold beliefs as concepts, but our actions do not match. Where is the disconnect originating from?
• If you are so inclined, seek out others who are also on the path of spiritual growth. They may be like minded, or they may have entirely different views. Either way, try and learn as much as you can from others. Differing views may encourage rethinking your own concepts of spirituality, leading to deeper understanding.
• If it fits your journey, consider joining a congregation, or exploring many different congregations. A valuable aspect of developing spirituality through organized religion is support and socialization. Just keep focus on your goals.

What other ways have you used to explore and grow your spirituality? Please share!

A good friend of mine said something to me that really struck a chord. We were talking about the nature of reality, and about how we create our own realities through the ways we perceive the world around us. The statement she made was, “I believe all time and reality exists in the moment.” I thought, “Wow…” When you really think about it, the only real existence is what is around us at any given moment in time. It is the “right now.”

The past does not really “exist” because it is in the past. The future cannot “exist” because it has not yet formed. So the only thing, the only reality, we are left with is in the now.

But how do we actually deal with the moment? Most of us are constantly looking to the past, or to the future, to define our realities. The results are often anxiety, depression, stress, or other negative emotional states. Often times we are so focused on either the past or the future, that we become totally unaware of the moment. We are simply not Present.

What does it mean to be Present?

In Zen, satori is a moment of Presence, a moment of simply Being… of totally living in the present moment in time, without the clutter of the mind, the anxiety about the future, depression about the past. It is a moment of understanding and of complete Awareness, without judgment or emotion. Being Present is about acceptance and release.

When we are Present in the moment we are able to relate to ourselves, our environment and to others around us on a much deeper level than when we are preoccupied with what has happened in the past, or what may happen in the future.

As an example, think of a special moment when you and another have been totally immersed in a conversation, event, or other activity. When all of your thoughts and energy were totally dedicated to that person, event, or other activity at a particular moment in time. Really relive that experience in your mind, and think about the connection you had at that moment.

Now contrast that with a time when you approached another person about an important issue, and the person spoke to you about it, but while he or she was discussing the topic with you they were also reading emails, checking their Blackberry, or otherwise pre-occupied. How deep was the connection, the understanding? How did you feel about the situation? What was your internal reaction? How much was actually accomplished?

In the first example you are approaching what it means to be Present. These experiences are often described as magical, intense, fulfilling… In the second example you are far removed from Presence in the activity, and it is likely that you felt several negative feelings, and probably very little was accomplished.

Another example of Presence is what is often referred to as “being in the zone.” Its that moment when all of your focus, all of your energy, all of your attention are given to that single moment in time. There is no past, or future. Only the moment. There is no judging, no labeling… just what is. This intense relationship with the moment is the very reason we are much more effective when we are “in the zone.”

The importance of Presence

When we are not living in the Present we are rarely, if ever, accepting the world around us. The result is unhappiness and distorted perception in some form or other. When we do not accept the world around us, we build up emotional baggage that forces us to view the present and the future through tainted eyes. Thus our map of reality is tainted and inaccurate, limiting our ability to respond appropriately to our environment and succeed in the world. In extreme cases this can lead to severe emotional or psychological illness, or even manifest in stress related physical illness.

To be Present does not mean to give up on planning for the future, or learning from the past. The objective is to not become obsessed with the past or future, and to realize that the past is only a conglomeration of moments in time, as the future will also be when it comes. If you never live in the Present, you can never really learn from the past or fulfill future plans. As Eckhart Tolle puts it: “If your relationship with the Now is dysfunctional, that dysfunction will be reflected in every relationship and situation you encounter.”