Going green is all the rage these days, and it makes sense. Aside from the highly politicized issues of global warming, living a greener lifestyle has some very practical benefits. By going green you can reduce your exposure to toxic chemicals, eat healthier foods, live a more active and healthy lifestyle, and even save money.

Here are 10 easy ways you can live greener

1. Turn off lights you are not using (and use only the lights you need). I remember when I was growing up my parents always fussing about “every light in the house being on.” Back then the concern wasn’t the environment, it was the high cost of energy. Not much has changed since the 70’s, expect energy is even more expensive now than it was back then. By turning lights off, and only using lights that you actually need, you not only do good for the environment, you save a ton of money.

2. Cut down on the AC, heating, etc. Like lighting, we Americans tend to be obsessive about air conditioning and heating. Fact: you will live, and even learn to live comfortably, in 65 – 75 degree (F) temperature. In the summer, try not to create an ice box in your home… it really does not need to be 68 degrees inside at all times. And sweaters are made for the winter. This may sound harsh, but if you keep your thermostat set at around 75 in the summer and 65 in the winter, you will find that your body will adapt, and you will be very comfortable. And while you’re at it, turn off that computer and TV when you are not using it! Again, energy is expensive, and there is actually a shortage (which is why its expensive).

3. Walk, or ride a bike. Now, I have to admit, I love to drive. However, my British wife is pretty insistent that driving a block to buy a soda is, frankly, wasteful and stupid. And she is right. Feet were made for walking and peddling. Save gas, get healthy, and help out the environment and drive only when you need to.

4. Drink tap water. All those plastic bottles not only eventually end up in a land fill, or worse, in the ocean… and they don’t break down very quickly at all. And guess what; the $1.25 water you are drinking from that bottle is probably distilled (if you are lucky) tap water, anyway. Even if you only have 1 bottle of water each day, you could save over $35/month by simply turning on the tap. If you are really concerned about filtering, there are cheap alternatives that don’t result in that plastic bottle spending thousands of years in the ocean or land fill.

5. Plant a garden. One of the best things we have done is plant a small vegetable garden on the back yard. You don’t need acres to eat better, healthier vegetables. Our garden is basically two, 8ftx4ft plots, and there is plenty of food for the family. Even if you don’t have a back yard at all you can still plant a lot in pots. In fact, we plant some of our vegetables and herbs in pots so we can have them year round. Its cheap, its sustainable, its healthy, and its fun!

6. Compost and recycle. This is the easiest, and most neglected, way of going green in America. Most communities actually have a recycling program these days, and will even provide a recycling bin, and come and pick it up for you. It is a no brainer, and it helps the environment tremendously. Composting requires a little more effort, but not much. And if you plant that garden we just talked about, or if you have any kind of garden (flowers, lawn, etc.) it is a real benefit.

7. Go paper. Most grocery stores these days have paper bags. By packing your groceries in paper vs. plastic you are reducing the amount of plastic that is hanging around in landfills and in the ocean. Remember, plastic is not biodegradable, and will stick around for thousands of years… paper breaks down much more quickly. You are only going to use that bag for a few minutes, anyway. Be kind to the environment.

8. (If you have small children) use cloth diapers. The cloth diapers of today are not your grandmother’s cloth diapers. They are pre-fitted, and even snap on. Now I admit when my wife insisted on cloth I had visions of massive grossness. I was wrong. In fact, I find the cloth to be far less gross because the nastiness doesn’t hang around in the diaper genie for days until it gets thrown away. And, the chemicals and materials used in disposable diapers aren’t the best for the baby or the environment. Scarlet hates wearing anything but cloth, and we hate putting anything else on her. We save loads of money, have a happier and healthier baby (she has not had a single rash in 14 months… not one), and we aren’t dumping thousands of diapers each year into landfills.

9. Get rid of the chemicals. Believe it or not, you don’t need Clorox to be germ free. We made an amazing discovery about cleaning products about a year ago. Vinegar, baking soda, and lemons are really all you need to keep a sparkly clean and germ free house. I was skeptical at first, envisioning all kinds of nastiness, when we got rid of the commercial cleaners. But I don’t miss them at all, now. Again, we save a load of money, and we aren’t dumping toxic waste into the water table every time we clean.

10. Be proactive. These are just a handful of very easy and practical ways to go green. There is an absolute ton of information out there to learn more ways to live a more sustainable, healthy, and happier lifestyle. Check it out. You can save a ton of money, and do some good for your health and the environment at the same time.

We hear a lot about values. During election campaigns politicians talk about “traditional values.” There are also cultural values (“American values, European values, etc.), “family values”, “value based leadership,” etc. etc.

We hear about how important values are in society, or about important it is to instill strong value systems in our children. But, when we speak about values, what exactly are we talking about?

What are values?

While most of us have an intuitive idea about the nature of a value, few could provide a clear definition of what one actually is. Most recognize that values are generally related to something of worth, or meaning. When we say we have a particular value, we are by default assigning worth and meaning to that value. We are saying it is important to us.

For example, if we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we believe that being successful is worth something, or that it has meaning to our lives. From our statement we can assume that “success” is worth taking specific, and perhaps difficult, steps to achieve. In other words, our goals and actions will reflect the value of “success.” They form the basis for our behaviors and motivations.

Values are typically abstract concepts. For example, although you and I may both say that “success” is a value, we will most likely have at least subtle differences in how we define success. Therefore, our motivations, goals, plans, and behaviors may be very different as we pursue success.

To summarize, values define what we desire, or seek to achieve.

But there is more…

As I mentioned above, values are usally very abstract. When we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we desire success, and that success is worth some effort to achieve. But how do we clarify what success actually is?

Robert Dilts, in his book Sleight of Mouth, contends that another construct is at play in our value systems. According to Dilts, we use what are known as criteria to further define our values. The best way to describe criteria and how the relate to values is by an example.

If my definition of success is having very strong relationships with friends and family, I will probably not work 60 hours each week to get that next promotion or bonus. Instead, I will choose to do things that build those relationships over things that build my career, such as spending more time at home, or with friends, building those relationships.

On the other hand, if you define success as becoming a Vice President before age 35, you will most likely put in those extra hours, even at the expense of some of your relationships.

So, my criteria for success is strong personal and family relationships. Your criteria for success (in this example) is career growth.

Our criteria make the abstract value of success more concrete for each of us, and therefore influence our goals and behaviors.

Contemplating your own values

Most (all?) of us could sit down and write out a list of values that we believe to be sacred. Perhaps values like “honesty”, “integrity”, “loyalty”, “achievement”, “family”, and many others would appear on most of our lists. Some of these values have been passed down through our own family or national cultures. These are expected values. But how do we really know they are “our own” values?

There are two obvious tests.

First, sit down with your list of values, then go through each value and write down the criteria for that value. Odds are, if you cannot write down several criteria for any particular value, you have not really defined what that value means to you. And if you have not defined the value, you probably have not internalized it. And a value that is not internalized is not really a value that you own for yourself.

Second, after you have really defined your values, reflect on how well you actually keep them. If you say you value family, but your efforts are mostly focused towards work, there may be cause to reconsider how strongly you hold the family value. In other words, the more strongly your behavior reflects the values you purport to hold, the more strongly you actually hold those values.

The hierarchical and fluid nature of values

You may feel a little concerned or confused (or even offended) after reading the last section. There is really no need, because it is entirely possibly, even probably, that some of your values may conflict with some others. This is because values are hierarchical and fluid by nature.

This statement may surprise you because you may have been taught that values are set in stone, universal, and concrete. But on reflection, can you name a single value that actually is any of these?

Some may say that respecting human life is an absolute value. But, in the next breath we may justify killing terrorists, or a criminal that has committed murder, or another person who is threatening the life of your own child.

So, do we say that we do not value human life? No, what we would say is that we do value human life, but not as much as we value justice, or defending our own children. So when we think about each of these values: human life, justice, defending our children, we see that there is a hierarchy.

To complicate things further, some of our values and criteria may even change over time. For instance, it is not uncommon for people to change their value criteria as they grow older and experience more. A traumatic or highly emotional event may change the values a person has as well. Sometimes we may even choose to reflect on a value, and modify it or its criteria to better fit in our own map of reality.

Values are complex psychological constructs. They are ambiguous, vague, and abstract. But in our own minds we assign them criteria to further define them and make them more practical. Values govern our behaviors and motivation, and therefore our perceptions of reality.

However, it would be wrong to say they “control” us, because they are fluid and hierarchical. We have the ability to modify our values and criteria based on our own experiences and needs. I encourage you to explore your values, understand their criteria and hierarchy, and align your work and behaviors with them. In doing so you will lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Recently, I read an article on CNN.com that asked the question, “How rich is rich?”

This started to make me think about the question of “How much is enough?” If you recall, my very first post on this blog was about how we define success. In America, it seems to me that success is defined by material wealth. We place a great value on “what we do” (our job), where we live, what car we drive, and how “healthy” our 401k is. Many Americans are proud of the fact that we work 50, 60, or even more hours per week. Those who don’t work long hours are often perceived as unambitious, or even lazy.

In short, our work, and the material wealth it brings to us, becomes our identity. Don’t believe me? Try this: ask ten people to tell you who they are, and I’ll wager that at least eight of those ten people will tell you what they do; e.g. – I am Chris, and I am a lawyer; I am Lauren and I am in marketing, etc. etc.

Instead of talking about their family, hobbies, spirituality, or any of the things that truly define who a person really is, most of those you ask this question will focus on their job. I have conducted this experiment hundreds of times in seminars, social gatherings, and even at bars, and the trend is the same; people describe who they are in terms of their jobs.

What’s wrong with this?

I am not here to say that there is anything wrong with basing one’s identity on their job. We should take pride in our work, and when we truly enjoy what we do our work can bring joy and purpose to our lives.

My question is whether America’s work ethic is a result of the pure joy and purpose our jobs bring to our lives, or a matter of seeking to fulfill these needs with more toys. If you are working 50+ hours per week in a job you truly love, and one that brings meaning and fulfillment to your life, then perhaps you have found your path. On the other hand, if you are working simply to accumulate “more,” then maybe its time to take a step back and assess your life’s work.

Is the sacrifice worth “more?”

Part of this assessment is understanding what you may be sacrificing to gain “more.” When I speak of “more,” I mean more stuff; e.g. – more status, more money, a bigger house, a nicer car, a bigger TV… in other words, more material wealth. How much is it all worth?

Is it worth chronic stress, and the resulting mental and physical health problems? Is having “more” worth sacrificing a deeper relationship with family and friends? Is it worth not having the time to work on personal growth and development; e.g – reading a good book, meditating, exercising, learning?

Finally, is it worth never learning who you truly are? Is dedication to “the job,” and earning “more” worth surrendering your personal identity to the profession?

Only you can answer these questions.

So, how much is enough?

I’ll be honest. I like “stuff” as much as anybody. I understand the appeal of having “more.” I drive a BMW, have a pretty nice house, a purebred beagle, and like having money to go out to dinner occasionally. But, the question I regularly have to ask myself is how much is enough?

As with most things, I think the answer to this question (for me) is finding a balance between having a comfortable lifestyle while still maintaining the ability to continue on my path of learning and personal growth.

This is a balance that is sometimes very difficult to achieve. My wife will be the first to tell me that I try to do too much all at once. She provides some of the balance I need by being demanding when necessary. And for that I am grateful… even if not at the precise time she is being demanding!

Striking the balance

Here are some of my recommendations for striking a healthy balance:

Develop a plan. Understanding what is most important in your life is an essential first step in finding balance. You can’t get to balance if you don’t know what you want it to look like.

Developing a plan for a balanced life must start with some serious introspection. Meditation, therapy, talking with a mentor, or just sitting in quite contemplation of what it is that you want out of life for yourself and your family are ways to begin to clarify what is most important, and what balance looks like for you.

Develop a good support network. Having family and friends who value living a balanced lifestyle, and have shared goals and ideas, is a necessary part of keeping an even keel. As I mentioned, my wife is a great aid to me as I am one of those people who simply must achieve (aka, Type A personality).

Another great way to develop support networks is to subscribe to blogs (like this one!), or other local groups that promote healthy and balanced living. One of my favorite sites is Balance in Me, but there are dozens of others out there as well.

Start by taking small steps. For most people the move towards balance can seem daunting. After all, most employers would not understand your desire to work 10 fewer hours per week. And, the strain of simply quitting your day job may be too much for you, or your family, to handle. After all, the life you have built for yourself should not necessarily be simply tossed aside.

However, you can start making a transition to the balanced life you seek by working 1 or 2 fewer hours per week, designating a night each week for quality family time, or 20 minutes each day for personal development or exercise, etc. By building on these small steps you may be surprised how quickly your life can be transformed.

Revisit your plan and progress often. Let’s face it. Most people do not start out life seeking to become dissatisfied and imbalanced. Typically, imbalance results from ideas that are placed into our heads during school, like “Being an artist is a waste of time, choose a career you can make a lot of money at.” The next thing you know, you are climbing the corporate ladder, and before you know it you look down and wonder… “would I be happier as an artist?” Then the mid life crisis sets in…

So, the moral of the story here is to pay attention to your life. It is not a dress rehearsal. Periodically reflect on where you are at, and where you are going. A regular meditation schedule and an active support network can keep you on track.

We all need an occasional mental vacation; a time where we can tune out, switch off, and simply not worry about the demands that pull our lives in a hundred different directions all at once. Without the occasional break, we run the risk of burnout, depression, or even physical illness. However, by making time to unplug we can actually improve our efficiency, performance, and live happier, healthier lives.

Here are a couple of ways to take a quick mental vacation

Deep breathing. Although we are rarely aware of it, breathing has a remarkable healing power. Simply taking the time out to consciously breath can immediately reduce stress, focus the mind, and help us effectively deal with immediate challenges. Back in April I shared a 10 second breathing exercise for regaining balance. I recommend that you complete this exercise several times each day, even when you are not stressed, to maintain an even keel. It can also be very helpful during stressful situations.

Another excellent breathing exercise to use in stressful situations is the Stop -> Breath -> Think -> Act method taught to Rescue Divers. I introduced this method on the blog back in August, 2009, so won’t repeat it here. Just follow the link.

Another excellent breathing exercise to gain calm and balance is the 10 Second Breath. I recommend using this method any time you are feeling stress build, or before you go into a stressful situation. Like the 10 seconds to perfect balance exercise, it can also be used for a quick mental vacation, and should be completed any time you want to simply relax.

The process is exactly what the name implies; simply take a slow, deep, 10 second breath. The 10 Second Breath can be done with eyes open or closed, sitting, lying or standing, or in just about any situation. Simply breathe in deeply, for a slow 5 seconds, then breath out slowly for another 5 seconds. Repeat as many times as necessary. I often use this method in preparation for meditation, repeating the process 3 or more times until I am relaxed and calm.

When you only have time for a quick mental vacation, any of these breathing methods will work wonders. If you have time for a longer vacation I find mental imagery makes for an excellent and relaxing trip.

Mental imagery. Mental imagery is a form of meditation that has many uses. Professional athletes use it to prepare for big events, business executives use it before going into important meetings, surgeons use it to visualize complex operations before actually having to perform them. In short, visual imagery can be and is used to enhance performance. It can also be very useful for gaining and maintaining balance, managing stress, and achieving general well-being.

To start your mental vacation, find a calm, quite, relaxing place. If you have it you may put on some soft, calming music, or even burn a candle or some incense to help set the mood. Get comfortable, close your eyes, and breathe deeply until you feel yourself starting to relax. The 10 Second Breath works great for this part. As you begin to feel calm, focus on your body, and allow your muscles to relax. Start with your head – your brow, eyes, jaw – and move downwards along your body – shoulders, arms, chest – all the way down to your toes, and spend a few moments on each area to notice how the muscles relax. Once you are relaxed, you are ready to begin your vacation…

Now imagine yourself in a relaxing, enjoyable, and serene place. Perhaps it’s a beach, or a glen. Maybe it’s someplace you have actually been, or someplace you create in your own mind. Wherever it is, make it perfect for your purposes in your own mind. Notice the details – the textures, sounds, smells, quality of the light and air – as you allow the place to form in your mind. Totally immerse yourself in the moment and place, and allow yourself to relax. You can remain in this place for as long as you like, and you can always come back after you leave.

When you are ready to come back from vacation, simply take a few deep breaths, slowly open your eyes, and feel totally relaxed and balanced.

One of the great things about your mental vacation is it doesn’t cost a thing! Only a few minutes a day. And since you are creating it, the vacation is perfectly custom made for you every time you go there.

I encourage you to visit often!

Leading a balanced life involves maintaining a balance between our physical, mental (including emotional), and spiritual well-being. Spirituality, in whatever form it is manifested in the individual, is a key element of balance. But what is the difference between being “spiritual,” and being “religious?” Can you be one without being the other?

What does it mean to be spiritual?

Spirituality has to do with our connection to something “bigger” than ourselves and the physical world around us. I like to think of spirituality as a personal connection with divinity. The stronger that personal connection, the more spiritual we are. But what does it mean to be personally connected to the divine? How can we accomplish this? For me, it means spending time contemplating divinity. My own personal spiritual practice is primarily made up of individual meditations and interactions with nature. I do not spend a great deal of time in congregations, although I do periodically meet with others to discuss divinity in its various forms. I would classify myself as spiritual, but not terribly religious.

Spending time contemplating personal relationships to the Divine, and communing with divinity, is the cornerstone of spirituality. In doing so you develop a personal awareness of your own spirituality, and a personal connection with your own divinity, in whatever form that may be.

What does it mean to be religious?

Divinity is conceptualized differently around the world. Many (most) modern religions view divinity as a universal, single spirit, commonly referred to as God. However, there are still some religions that view divinity as a collection of spirits or beings, with each often representing a special characteristic or aspect of our world or ourselves. Hinduism, Buddhism, and even to some extent Christianity – with its concept of the Trinity, angels and demons – have a polytheistic (multiple divine beings) view of divinity.

Nature based religions; e.g. Wicca, Druidism, Neo-paganism, many of which are polytheistic in nature, are also growing in the US and elsewhere. These religions stress individual connections with the natural and supernatural world around us, and vary in their degrees of dogma and organization.

The organization and (more importantly) institutionalization of concepts of divinity is the key characteristic of religion. Religion typically consists of set rituals, gospels, and uniform beliefs that are re-affirmed and taught by religious authorities; e.g. priests, preachers, etc.

For many, being part of a religion or church is an empowering experience. The organization and regular practice of rituals may serve to deepen one’s spiritual awareness. However, many have also shunned organized religion, feeling that placing an intermediary between divinity and oneself stifles personal experience of the Divine.

Why develop your spirituality?

Whether you choose the path of organized religion or the solitary path, developing your spiritual self is a key part of living a life of balance. Being spiritual does not necessarily mean believing in God, or gods, as promoted by organized religion. Your own spiritual path may be a journey of self-awareness, and finding answers to those questions that are larger than ourselves, or even the world around us, such as what is the nature of the human soul… or does it even exist. What happens after our bodies die? What is moral, or right action? How should we interact with the world around us?

Contemplating these types of questions, whether in solitary meditation or within a congregation, are necessary for making meaning of our world. As we contemplate and grow our spirituality we also grow inner peace, and develop as human beings.

Some ways to explore your spirituality

If you are already on your own path of spiritual development I encourage you to continue. If you have not actively begun your journey, you may try some of the following to get started. Again, these are non-denominational and do not conform to any particular religion.

• Take a walk in the forest or park. Try and be aware of and focus on the nature that is around you. Many people see the Divine, or the power of creation, in the natural world.
• Spend time each day contemplating your own spirituality. You may focus on key elements of your beliefs, such as compassion, courage, right action, etc. My personal method of contemplation is usually meditation.
• Try and be mindful of how your actions fit with your spiritual beliefs. Often times we hold beliefs as concepts, but our actions do not match. Where is the disconnect originating from?
• If you are so inclined, seek out others who are also on the path of spiritual growth. They may be like minded, or they may have entirely different views. Either way, try and learn as much as you can from others. Differing views may encourage rethinking your own concepts of spirituality, leading to deeper understanding.
• If it fits your journey, consider joining a congregation, or exploring many different congregations. A valuable aspect of developing spirituality through organized religion is support and socialization. Just keep focus on your goals.

What other ways have you used to explore and grow your spirituality? Please share!

A good friend of mine said something to me that really struck a chord. We were talking about the nature of reality, and about how we create our own realities through the ways we perceive the world around us. The statement she made was, “I believe all time and reality exists in the moment.” I thought, “Wow…” When you really think about it, the only real existence is what is around us at any given moment in time. It is the “right now.”

The past does not really “exist” because it is in the past. The future cannot “exist” because it has not yet formed. So the only thing, the only reality, we are left with is in the now.

But how do we actually deal with the moment? Most of us are constantly looking to the past, or to the future, to define our realities. The results are often anxiety, depression, stress, or other negative emotional states. Often times we are so focused on either the past or the future, that we become totally unaware of the moment. We are simply not Present.

What does it mean to be Present?

In Zen, satori is a moment of Presence, a moment of simply Being… of totally living in the present moment in time, without the clutter of the mind, the anxiety about the future, depression about the past. It is a moment of understanding and of complete Awareness, without judgment or emotion. Being Present is about acceptance and release.

When we are Present in the moment we are able to relate to ourselves, our environment and to others around us on a much deeper level than when we are preoccupied with what has happened in the past, or what may happen in the future.

As an example, think of a special moment when you and another have been totally immersed in a conversation, event, or other activity. When all of your thoughts and energy were totally dedicated to that person, event, or other activity at a particular moment in time. Really relive that experience in your mind, and think about the connection you had at that moment.

Now contrast that with a time when you approached another person about an important issue, and the person spoke to you about it, but while he or she was discussing the topic with you they were also reading emails, checking their Blackberry, or otherwise pre-occupied. How deep was the connection, the understanding? How did you feel about the situation? What was your internal reaction? How much was actually accomplished?

In the first example you are approaching what it means to be Present. These experiences are often described as magical, intense, fulfilling… In the second example you are far removed from Presence in the activity, and it is likely that you felt several negative feelings, and probably very little was accomplished.

Another example of Presence is what is often referred to as “being in the zone.” Its that moment when all of your focus, all of your energy, all of your attention are given to that single moment in time. There is no past, or future. Only the moment. There is no judging, no labeling… just what is. This intense relationship with the moment is the very reason we are much more effective when we are “in the zone.”

The importance of Presence

When we are not living in the Present we are rarely, if ever, accepting the world around us. The result is unhappiness and distorted perception in some form or other. When we do not accept the world around us, we build up emotional baggage that forces us to view the present and the future through tainted eyes. Thus our map of reality is tainted and inaccurate, limiting our ability to respond appropriately to our environment and succeed in the world. In extreme cases this can lead to severe emotional or psychological illness, or even manifest in stress related physical illness.

To be Present does not mean to give up on planning for the future, or learning from the past. The objective is to not become obsessed with the past or future, and to realize that the past is only a conglomeration of moments in time, as the future will also be when it comes. If you never live in the Present, you can never really learn from the past or fulfill future plans. As Eckhart Tolle puts it: “If your relationship with the Now is dysfunctional, that dysfunction will be reflected in every relationship and situation you encounter.”

by Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds (www.brilliantminds.co.uk)

It’s one of the NLP Presuppositions – ‘Every behaviour has a positive intention’ but what does it actually mean? At first glance you might be forgiven for thinking that it’s implying that everything anyone does is intended to do good. But that isn’t what it means. (And I’m sure that you can think of some behaviours that certainly don’t do good to others.) The NLP Presuppositions are filters. They’re ways of looking at the world that can create more constructive results if we choose to use them. You don’t have to believe that a presupposition is absolutely true in order to practice using it and get the benefit of it.

If you have a pet cat, you probably practice this presupposition regularly. Do you wander in to the kitchen in the morning to discover a half-eaten or half-alive mouse, bird or other small, helpless creature? And if you love your cat, do you shout at it and compain about the mess on the kitchen floor? If you’re like most of the cat-lovers I know you probably don’t do that. More than likely, you say something like, “Ah look, he’s brought me a present”.

If you do that, you’re looking beyond the behaviour to it’s purpose. Excellent! That’s what this presupposition is all about. Now, can you do the same when your colleague at work drops the equivalent of a dead mouse onto your desk and expects you to deal with it? Can you look beyond the irritating behaviour of people around you and focus on the purpose behind it?

I think that this presupposition is better if it’s phrased ‘Every behaviour is purposeful’. What people do is not random, it’s usually not even aimed at annoying you, but it does have a purpose. Granted, the purpose may be of value only to the person who behaviour is in question, but it has a purpose nonetheless. So next time someone around you does something that you consider to be inappropriate, foolish or annoying (or all three!) I challenge you to ask yourself, ‘What is the purpose of this behaviour?’

By asking yourself this question you’ll be achieving two things:

1. You may arrive at a better insight into the other person’s motivation and thinking.

2. You’ll distract yourself from being irritated and instead become curious, interested and maybe even more motivated to talk to the person about what they’re doing. This can only be an improvement, can’t it?

One of the most challenging and rewarding accomplishments we can achieve is finding our own voice, or finding our own identity. We are constantly bombarded by the expectations of others, whether they are through cultural conditioning, family expectations, peer pressure, or the even the media.

We are expected to be a certain way, to adopt certain values, to view the world from a particular perspective, etc. etc. etc. And to make things even more challenging, these expectations are often contradictory. For instance, our society places value on individualism, yet we are encouraged to be team players at work. We say that we value progress, but we fight hard against change. We claim to value diversity, yet we generally socialize and interact with those that are most like ourselves.

So in the face of the external expectations and their contradictions, how do we actually establish our own voice? And why even bother? Why not “go along to get along?”

The importance of self identity

Establishing self identity is fundamental to becoming a mentally healthy and independent person. While it is important to be open to positive influences from outside oneself, it is equally important to be able to determine which of those influences are indeed positive and aligned with ones own values.

When a person has a strong sense of self he or she is less prone to negative influences by peers and the development of destructive habits such as addiction, negative self talk, volatility, engaging in negative relationships, etc. The resulting ability to choose for oneself his or her own values, how to act and how to interpret to one’s environment is a prerequisite for finding one’s own purpose in life. And finding purpose is the precursor to finding happiness despite one’s environment.

Think about it. Think about the people who are the happiest. They are typically those who follow their own paths and are doing the things they enjoy the most. They have cast away the definitions of success that our society teaches them. They define success in their own ways, in accordance with their own values.

Whereas when you look at the average 9-5er sitting in cubicle, or even an office, you don’t often see a happy person. You see a person striving to meet societies standards for success, to achieve the things that he or she is “supposed” to achieve.

There are exceptions, of course. Jack Welch looks pretty content. He seems to have found his calling at GE… but I would suggest it is not the money that made him happy, but the thrill of building GE into one of the largest and most successful businesses in the world.

Now think about all of the people you know who chose to start smoking, or doing drugs, or worse, in high school because they wanted to fit in, or be “cool.” How many of those people, now adults, deeply regret their addictions and would give almost anything to be free of them?

When we do not have a strong sense of self identity – when we don’t have our own voice – we are often lead down paths that we later regret, and sometimes it is very difficult to go back and correct our course.

Steps to take to find your own voice

Finding your own voice begins with self reflection and self awareness. Here are some activities that can help you begin the process.

Run a diagnostic. take stock of where you are at in life –right now. Look deep inside and ask yourself if you are on the right path. Are you fulfilled in your life? Are you truly happy? Why or why not? Are you living your dream, as opposed to a dream created for you by someone else?

Examine your core values. Which values are actually your own, and which have been handed down to you by others, such as your family, friends, or school? Do the values that have been handed down to you truly resonate with you? Do they make sense? What purpose or role do they serve in your life? Can you truly strive to live by them?

Make a plan. If your life is not perfect (which it usually is not), what could you do to make it better? Using the Well-Formed Outcome exercise is often helpful in clarifying goals and plans.

Take action. What steps can you take, today, that will set you towards the right path? Again, the Well-Formed Outcomes exercise may help.

Repeat regularly. Finding your own voice, and personal development in general, is not a one time activity. It is an ongoing process. Continuously evaluating your life, improving your self awareness, understanding your values, and establishing goals that fulfill you is a life long endeavor. It is a journey.

You may not realize it, but you are on a journey right now. The journey is your life and you are navigating this journey using a map. That map represents your reality. It is created as you move along your life’s journey based on your experiences. As you experience different things, you form beliefs and values, and learn to perceive your world in particular ways, thus creating the map that you follow. And the way you perceive your world creates your reality.

The map is not the territory
But here is the thing. The map is not the territory! Your reality is not necessarily “real,” except to you. Your perceptions of any particular situation, person or event may be vastly different than those of anybody else experiencing the same things, in the same place, at the same time. Since each of us creates our own reality through our perceptions we can say that there as many different individual realities as there are individuals… and each of those realities may be as flawed as the other.

What does this mean!?
One of the consequences of our flawed realities is sometimes we end up in conflict with others around us. Take the healthcare debate as an example. The healthcare system in the US is what it is… so why is there so much confusion around whether and how to fix it? Some may claim that a great deal of the confusion is a result of disinformation by one or the other, or both, political parties, or by special interest groups, etc. etc.

While it may be true that there is some disinformation being introduced to the debate, I contend that there would be equally as many passionate opinions on the topic if everybody had complete and accurate information.

Why? Because we would not interpret that complete and accurate information in the same ways. Our individual beliefs, values and perceptions would serve to create realities that differ significantly from others’ realities. Many would embrace the notion of a public system despite the costs, while others would decry it because of the costs… even if the costs of such a system were agreed by everyone.

How can we overcome our reality?
The good news is that we don’t have to accept or be a slave to the realities we create for ourselves. Once you realize that your reality isn’t the only reality you can learn to change it. Doing either requires us to have belief flexibility, or the ability to challenge and modify our beliefs to enable us to accept differing views of reality. Essentially, we need to be able to change or remove the filters that create our realities so we can see and take advantage of alternative possibilities.

By developing flexibility of beliefs we are able to adapt to the world around us in positive ways, rather than attempting to mold the world to fit our own belief system. When we learn to view the world around us with acceptance we create more accurate maps of reality, and open ourselves to more and better experiences and opportunities.

Belief flexibility should not be confused with being non committal, “wishy washy,” or willing to believe anything. Indeed, allowing for flexibility in beliefs enables us to participate in deeper introspection and participate in our own process of growing and evolving as purposeful beings.

When we accept this process we become stronger individuals through our flexibility of beliefs as we are better able to entertain possibilities of reality that were previously shut off from us due to the filters of our previously rigid belief systems. We are able to perceive our environment more accurately as these filters are removed and are less prone to being victimized by “spin” and dogma that others may use to control or direct our thinking because we are able to objectively analyze what is being presented to us and make informed decisions about what we should believe or how we should act in any given situation.

Developing belief flexibility
There are a number of ways to develop flexibility of beliefs. Some common methods are NLP, hypnotherapy, and various forms of psychotherapy. Many times we are forced to challenge our own beliefs when we are faced with situations or questions that cause cognitive dissonance. This happens when we are presented with a situation that directly contradicts our beliefs, causing us to question the validity of that belief. We are forced to either modify the belief that is being challenged, or accept a distorted reality.

In terms of developing belief flexibility individually, I find that setting aside periods for deep introspection and self-reflection is most useful. This time can be spent in some form of meditation, journaling or simply reflecting on the days events and how I responded to certain situations.

I personally practice a combination of all of the above methods, although I do not use each daily. As an intern working towards licensure as a therapist I make use of regular therapy sessions myself once a week, and I meditate and journal daily. When I have a particular belief I feel I need to question or assess I may use NLP or hypnotherapy techniques as well.

If you are new to the idea of developing belief flexibility I would recommend beginning with a daily meditation and journaling. You can make great progress by using these methods to identify the beliefs that have served as filters on your experiences, and question them with alternative plausible interpretations. Over time this will become easier for you, and ultimately almost second nature. You will be amazed at how much more of “reality” you actually see.

What does it mean to live a purposeful life? Carl Rogers, a pioneer in the humanistic approach to psychotherapy, suggests that living a purposeful life is about being the person you truly are. But what if you don’t even know who you truly are? I mean, most of us do not know, otherwise we would be living purposefully, right?

Fortunately, Mr. Rogers provides some further insights into how we may move towards being the person we truly are. He contends that by moving away from the expectations of society and other individuals and towards self direction and self definition we may find who we truly are, and thereby live purposeful lives.

The process of becoming a purposeful being

In doing so we undergo a process by which we shed the burdens imposed on us by our environment and other people and undergo a process of “being.” This is a complex concept and is not easily described, but the heart of it is a shedding of fixity and an acceptance of change in ones self.

During this process we accept the changes that occur within ourselves as we grow. We accept that our moods, attitudes, perceptions and even values may change as we progress through life. We replace static states of being with fluid states of being, and minimize emphasis on “figuring things out.” In short, we accept that we are constantly evolving as purposeful beings, we are constantly in the process of “becoming,” and we adjust our thoughts to accept this process instead of focusing on a final outcome.

Radical acceptance and mindfulness

Fully engaging in this process of becoming a purposeful being requires a radical acceptance of the process itself. During this journey we must accept that we are complex beings and embrace this complexity, accepting the dynamics of the process.

Although mindfulness therapy was not en vogue during Roger’s time, it is clear to me from his writings that remaining in the moment, and accepting one’s self in any given moment, is central to the continuation of this process of living a purposeful life.

When we fight against this process, and seek to live up to society’s expectations, or the expectations of others, we abandon this process of evolving and growing, and can never achieve purpose in the sense of becoming who we truly are. Instead, we become who society or other people would like us to be.

Openness to experience

In order to undergo the process of becoming a purposeful being, and living a purposeful life one must develop a sense of openness to new and diverse experiences. In order to be open to new experiences we must be accepting of those experiences, and of the changes that are occurring within us.

We must learn to live with our faults and with our strengths, on our own terms. This does not mean we cannot seek to better ourselves through improvement. By accepting our faults as well as our strengths we develop a stronger sense of self, and are better able to engage in the process of healing and correcting our flaws. Instead of running from our flaws, or denying them, we accept them and seek to understand them. We become more self aware and more capable of change and personal development.

This openness to experience applies not only to our own internal being, but also to others, and to the world around us. As we grow closer to becoming purposeful beings we learn to not only understand and accept ourselves, but to understand and accept others for who they are at that moment.

We learn to accept their experiences, and their interpretations of their world, even if they are very different to our own. We shed fear and do not feel threatened by differing perspectives on the world that we share with others. In a sense, we accept the notion that “the map is not the territory.” In doing so we are better able to adapt to others and to our world, and learn from them.

We develop behavioral and cognitive flexibility, and a greater trust in ourselves to adapt and achieve our goals. In doing so we become free to be the person we truly are, and to live as purposeful beings.