Suffering = Pain x Resistance

This is a formula developed by Buddhist teacher Shinzen Young to describe how our suffering is not caused by the pain (physical, emotional, or psychological) we experience, but by our resistance of it. In other words, suffering is not caused by the actual events that we experience, but by our reaction to them. When we struggle against our experiences, we suffer for it. The path to eliminating suffering is to fully accept our experiences.

While this concept of suffering has its origins in Buddhism, it is not exclusively Buddhist. Many therapists in the West have embraced the philosophy of acceptance. Indeed, research into acceptance based therapies has shown them to be as effective, or more effective, than traditional therapies for some mental conditions, such as anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, and others.

But you don’t have to be diagnosed with a mental condition to benefit from acceptance. Learning to accept your experiences is also a key part of learning and growing from them.

But how can accepting a bad experience be a good thing?

In order to understand how acceptance works, its important to differentiate between suffering and pain. According to the philosophy, pain itself is not subjective. Its part of the reality of experience. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, it hurts. If you break up with your partner, it hurts. If a loved one dies, it hurts. There is no avoiding that pain. However, you can choose how you relate to that pain. The way you relate to the reality of pain determines how much you suffer because of it.

This may seem like a crazy notion to many, particularly those of us from Western cultures, where we are taught from birth that pain is something to be avoided or limited. But when you consider that pain is almost always accompanied by emotion, it begins to make sense (at least I think it does;) ). If you can think of a time when you were in pain, and allowed your emotions to run wild, versus another time when you were in pain, but were able to keep a cooler head, you may find that your suffering (not your pain) was less when you were in control.

This is an example of how pain and suffering are not the same thing. In fact, martial artists, athletes, and the military train to separate the pain from the suffering to enable them to push beyond normal physical and emotional limits. Marathon runners learn to live with the physical and psychological pain of running 24 miles. There are countless stories of how military members in combat continue to fight on despite horrific wounds. Holocaust victims and prisoners of war report that their ability to accept their situations and remove themselves from the pain they experienced enabled them to survive and even thrive during their captivity.

These are all examples of how changing the way we relate to pain changes the way we experience it. By doing so we not only eliminate suffering, but can also have a great influence the world around us.

The paradox… and how it works

After reading that last sentence, you may have thought, “Hold on! Wait a minute! How can I accept what is going on and change it?” This is the paradox of acceptance.

Think about a time when you were really – and I mean really – attached to an idea or particular way of doing something; e.g. you were being really really stubborn. Maybe somebody you knew or worked with had a different idea than yours. If you were dead set on your own idea, how would you react to the other person’s idea? If you are like most people, you would probably fight for your own point of view even if all evidence showed you were wrong, and maybe even get a bit emotional about it. You may not even realize that the other person’s way of doing the thing – whatever it is – could be a better way. By being unable to consider the other’s point of view, you eliminate the chance of creating a better outcome.

If we become wedded to a particular way of doing something, and continue to try and do it the same way over and over even though it does not work well – or at all – we forfeit the possibility that we can actually change the situation.

Both of these are examples of how not accepting reality – that someone may have a better idea, or that the way we are doing something does not work – causes suffering and prohibits us from being able to change it.

On the other hand, if we could remove emotion and look at reality in an unfiltered way – in other words if we could accept reality for what it is – we put ourselves in a position to expand our awareness, use our creativity, and consciously respond to the situation instead of simply reacting to it emotionally. In this way we have much more ability to influence reality.

Acceptance and personal growth

Acceptance greatly increases your ability to grow as a person. In fact, personal growth is impossible without it. A key element of personal growth is the ability to self reflect, or to see ourselves for who we really are, and who we could become. If we are unable to accept our flaws, weakness, or shortcomings, we cannot hope to ever overcome them.

This is the same paradox discussed above. By not accepting ourselves for who we are, we may be tempted to fight against our flaws, creating greater suffering and actually deepening the flaws by obsessing over them. But, if we can look at ourselves, and acknowledge that we have flaws, and look at these flaws non-judgmentally, and accept them, then we unblock our ability to improve ourselves.

For example, let’s say that I am horrible at math. If I deny that I am horrible at math, and refuse to accept that I am horrible at math, how can I ever hope to improve my math skills? If I don’t accept this flaw, I won’t feel compelled to study more, take a class, or find a tutor. Or, I may decide that math just isn’t important, and avoid the flaw altogether. Both situations are potentially very limiting.

But if I accept that I am horrible at math, and look at the flaw objectively (without judgment), then I open up the possibility of finding ways to improve my math skills. Doing so not only results in improving those skills, but also in self-awareness, which leads to personal growth.

Acceptance can be a difficult concept for many, particularly in Western societies where we are taught to not accept bad situations or imperfections. We are taught (or at least I was) that in order to change we never accept imperfections, and must fight against them. This sometimes works, but more often than not, is the source of great suffering – even if the outcome is eventually good.

Acceptance may also be misunderstood as pacifism. This is not the case. Acceptance really means accepting reality for what it is. In doing so, we are able to view that reality non-judgmentally, without emotion, and open up the possibility of responding to reality consciously, not instinctively. Conscious responses are always more effective than reactive responses, and give us much more flexibility to deal with and change our reality.

Integrity is another of those slippery concepts, much like “character.” When people talk about integrity, they often do so in the context of being honest. This is certainly an aspect of integrity.

However, this honesty extends beyond telling the truth to others. More importantly, integrity means being truthful with ourselves. For the purposes of this post, I will refer to this kind of truth as internal integrity, although there really is no separating being truthful to oneself, and being truthful to others.

Being truthful to oneself may seem easy – almost automatic – but I suggest that most of use are in fact big fat liars when it comes to internal integrity. The majority of people in the world, or at least in modern, industrialized nations, are very much out of touch with who they really are. How can somebody possess internal integrity if they are living a life that others dictate for them?

What do I mean? Since early childhood we are conditioned to follow social and moral rules. Don’t get me wrong, many (most?) of these rules are absolutely good and necessary to maintain peaceful society. But others serve only to stifle personal development, and more specifically, growing to be the persons that we really are.

For instance, society’s (at least our society’s) rules for success are roughly: obey all rules, hang out with the right people, do well in school, go to college, get a great (e.g. – high paying) job, etc. And even after we do all of that, more rules still apply: conform with company policies, fit in to corporate culture, network with the right people, climb the company ladder, make even more money… That is how society defines success.

In short, we are brought up to conform to societal norms and succeed by society’s standards, not to “find our true selves.” In fact, in the U.S. taking time out from the path of “success” to “find oneself” is considered by most to be rather flaky.

Many people are so disconnected with who they are, so entrenched in living the life society expects them to live, that this whole notion of being one’s true self is beyond comprehension.

But in order to possess integrity, one must do exactly that. How can someone have integrity if they are being who and what society wants them to be, and not being their true selves? In essence, they are lying to themselves, and often are unaware that they are doing so.

Being our true selves

So what does it mean to be one’s true self? I propose that being one’s true self means being aware of, and acting in a way that is aligned with, ones inner self. That is to say, having a deep understanding of one’s own thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and values, and acting in a manner that is consistent with them.

In a nutshell, being oneself means acting and being on the outside the way we actually are on the inside. To do otherwise is a lie.

Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard said that the deepest form of despair is to “choose to be another than himself.” In essence, to be someone who lacks integrity. Someone who acts in a manner that contradicts his true being.

Kiergegaard goes on to hypothesize that being ones true self is the deepest responsibility of a person.

Learning to first understand who we really are, then to live that way, is the goal of personal development.

It requires staring hard at our internal states, emotions, and thoughts – regardless of how turbulent they may be, and reconciling them with values that are truly our own (not dictated by society). It requires knowing ourselves in a deep way – knowing our own strengths and limitations, and accepting both with unconditional positive regard.

When we try to deny these things about ourselves, or struggle against them, we are living without integrity.

This does not mean that we should not seek to improve. One of the paradoxes about acceptance is that great personal growth often comes when we accept things we do not like or understand. This acceptance often actually results in change, while struggling against who we really are results in pain and stagnation.

This website has a number of posts that talk about the “how’s” of personal reflection and growth, so I won’t get in to them, here. But I encourage all of my readers to think about the meaning of integrity, and think about how closely aligned their life is with who they really are.

Carl Rogers, the famous humanistic psychotherapist, said that the #1 question every single one of his clients struggled to answer was “who am I? Really?” According to Rogers, to not know, or to know and not act accordingly, is the largest source of psychological suffering.

Character is a slippery topic. Do a Google search on character and you will find dozens of different definitions and concepts of character. Many of these focus on moral qualities, such as trustworthiness, honesty, loyalty, courage, etc. But these qualities, while they may contribute to character, do not really capture the essence of what having character actually means. After all, each of these qualities are highly subjective; for instance, what it means to have courage to one person or culture may be entirely different to another. And loyalty is problematic as well, as sometimes we are caught between conflicting loyalties.

So how can we define character?

If character cannot be defined in terms of distinct moral traits, then how can it be defined? I propose that character is best defined by behaviors, and the outcomes of those behaviors. More specifically, I think the best definition of character I have come across is doing what is necessary to achieve a goal.

This definition is devoid of moral judgment, which as mentioned above is not absolute. When we really think about character we think about accomplishing goals in the face of adversity. In sports, a team is said to “have character” when they overcome overwhelming odds to achieve victory. In combat we say a soldier, sailor, airman or Marine displays character when they stand in the face of superior firepower and risk their own lives to save others or to accomplish a mission. In school, a student is said to have character if she studies hard in a difficult topic to pass an exam.

I propose that this same definition – doing what it takes to achieve a goal – applies in life in general.

Morality revisited

For some, this definition may be offensive to some degree because it has no overt moral base. Some may say that in each example above their are moral traits being exhibited; e.g. loyalty, courage, dedication. I do not argue this is not the case. As I mentioned in the beginning, moral traits may contribute to character. But in my view they do not define character.

What defines character is seeing the goal, and striving at all costs to achieve it. In the process of striving to achieve the goal, a person may suffer greatly, sacrifice greatly, and have to make tough choices. The ability to endure in the face of these adversities, and make the right choices, is what real character is about… not abstract or subjective notions of morality.

What do you think? Please comment!

A few years ago I had a client whose chief complaint was that he had difficulty building and maintaining good relationships. He felt he was in a state of near constant conflict with others. He argued with his family, his girlfriend, his friends, and his co-workers. In fact, the “final straw,” and why he decided to come in for counseling, was when a co-worker filed a complaint against him for an argument during which my client physically pushed the other man.

As I worked with the client, it became apparent to me that he did not really like himself very much. He was not what I would diagnose as clinically depressed, but he did not have a great deal of self esteem. I began working with him to identify his automatic thoughts that preceded several conflicts that he had experienced with others.

As I expected, many of his thoughts were distorted, negative, and often hostile. He seemed to automatically assume the worst in many situations, which triggered defensiveness, and in many instances, hostility towards others. I worked for several months with my client, identifying the cognitive distortions that escalated his defensive reactions. He began to journal regularly, and started dissecting the situations and thoughts where he felt he over-reacted.

Not surprisingly, he developed a greater ability for restraint as he began to recognize situations which would likely end in conflict. He began to be more aware of his thoughts and the way he felt in his body as his defensiveness grew. However, while he became more able to control his temper and his reactions, he still felt tense and uncomfortable, and often vented after the event.

Two types of self-talk

While there are many different kinds of cognitive distortions, there are basically two types of self-talk. One form of self-talk is directed outward. This is the self-talk that you use to describe what you perceive is happening around you or to you. For example, if you are confronted with someone who makes a comment about your shirt, you will have a series of thoughts about that person and that comment. These may be positive, negative, or neutral. But these thoughts are important as they shape the way you view your external environment. They play a huge role in constructing your external map of reality.

It is this type of self-talk that my client was beginning to learn to control and modify to be more positive. His thoughts were often negative, and his external reality was one that was full of criticism and danger. His thoughts created a world in which he had to be on the defensive. It is easy to see how his world was full of conflict.

The second type of self-talk is directed inward. It is how we talk to and about ourselves. This inward directed self-talk plays a large part in how we feel about ourselves. It affects self-esteem, and also plays a role in shaping our maps of reality. Typically, a person with a low self-esteem will view the world differently than someone with a high self-esteem. For instance, a person who does not believe his needs will be met in a relationship – either because he does not feel worthy, or strong enough to maintain boundaries – may lash out against others, either to force them to meet his needs, or perhaps to undermine the relationship entirely. In this person’s reality, this is safer than fostering a relationship, or compromising.

Unfortunately, this strategy usually fails to achieve the person’s needs being met – either the other party leaves, becomes resentful and refuses to cooperate, or otherwise withdraws – reinforcing the feelings of unworthiness and lowering self-esteem even further. As you can see, this may easily become a cycle in which the person’s cynical map of reality is supported and strengthened.

As we continued discussing my client’s discomfort in personal relationships, and the automatic thoughts that often occurred during interactions with others, it became apparent to him that much of his negative self-talk was directed at himself. Thoughts like, “I can’t do anything right!”, “I always screw things up, so why even bother!”, or “I’m such an idiot!” were common with my client. He slowly came to the realization that fixing his externally directed self-talk was an important step in improving his relationships and hapiness, but not enough. As he said in one session, “how can I really like anybody else if I don’t even like myself..”

A lesson to be learned

There are a lot of valuable insights to be gained from this case study. There are lessons about boundaries, cognitive distortions, the importance of self-talk in creating our individual realities, and the role of self-esteem in our relationships. All of these are important.

However, the message I really wanted to convey in this case study is that we should seek to be aware of our internally directed self-talk. If this self talk is regularly negative, judgmental, or derogatory, then we are essentially attacking ourselves, and weakening our own self esteem. The results can be damaged relationships, failure to achieve our goals, lack of fulfillment, unhappiness, and a general cynical outlook on life. In the extreme, they can result in severe depression, or even suicide.

During one of my final sessions with this client, we were discussing his progress and how he might continue to work on his self-talk in the future. I knew he “got it” when he paused, looked up at me, and said, “I am going to try and speak to myself as if I were my own best friend.”

Last week I wrote about how I ensure, or at least try to ensure, that I do not lose my best ideas. (When I speak of ideas in this context, I am speaking of ideas for projects, not abstract ideas, like, “Wow! That eclipse the other night was funky!”). As I mentioned, I get a lot of ideas for projects. And sometimes it is difficult to remember them all, so I try to either write them down as they occur, or record them on my voice app on my phone. One of the consequences of capturing all, or at least most, of my ideas is that I end up with far more than I can work on at any given time. I also come up with some that are just too far out there to seriously consider, at lesat in the near term. So I need a way to prioritize my ideas; that is, to decide which projects to work on first, and which ones to get rid of altogether.

Assuming you also have a lot of ideas for projects, so many that you cannot work on all of them, then you may face similar challenges. This post will give you one method for prioritizing your ideas. Because my background, or at least part of it, is in project management, this approach is broadly based on the same methods that businesses use to decide which projects to implement, and which ones to shelve.

Which ideas to keep?

The first step in prioritizing a list of ideas is to decide which ones are worth pursuing at all, or which ones to keep. To do this, I suggest starting with a quick sanity check. Look at your list of ideas and decide which ones are actually important or interesting, what the outcome or consequence of actually completing the project may be, and what effort may be required to complete the project. In other words, ask yourself:

Is this project worth doing at all; is it realistic in concept?
What would I gain from completing this project?
Can I realistically expend the energy and resources to accomplish this project?

After going through your initial list of potential projects, and asking these questions, you will probably find that many of your ideas get put at the back of the list because they are either not as interesting or realistic as they seemed to be at the time of inspiration, they don’t really provide enough benefit to make them worth pursuing, or you simply don’t have or cannot put forth the time, energy, or resources to get them done.

This does not necessarily mean that you get rid of all of the ideas that don’t pass this first test. Some you will decide are too far out there to actually work on… ever; these you will discard. Others you may decide are interesting, and may yield a benefit, but you simply don’t have the time and resources to work on them; these you will most likely store away and take another look when you are better able to accomplish them. And the remaining ideas will be the ones that pass the test, and are worthy and capable of being accomplished in the relatively near future; these are the ones that you will then prioritize.

Prioritizing your ideas

Once you have short-listed the ideas that you are able to work on in the relatively near future, you will likely need to decide the order in which you will complete them. For this, you may want to use the well-formed outcome.

While it may seem like a lot of work to complete well-formed outcomes on all of your short-listed ideas, doing so is a must, and may save you a lot of grief and wasted effort in the long run.

The purpose of completing the well-formed outcome is to understand your idea better, to reflect on why you want to pursue the project, what will completing the project require of you, and what the outcome of the project will be. All of these are important in deciding which projects you will work on and in what order.

In fact, you may notice that these are the same types of questions we asked when deciding which projects to keep. The difference here is that the well-formed outcome forces you to really reflect on, and write down, the answers to these questions. Doing so should help you prioritize which ideas to work on first, and which ones to work on later.

A few tips

If you are like me, it may be difficult to discard an idea… even if it seems impossible to accomplish. I just get too attached to my ideas to kill them, sometimes. The problem is that if you try to work on too many ideas at once, you may not complete any of them, or you may not do as good of a job as you could on the ones you do complete. You may also find that by working on too many projects you start to earn the resentment of your friends and family.

There is a way to deal with this and still keep your sanity, and your personal relationships, alive. When you are prioritizing your ideas, try and do so with the idea that you will only work on a couple at any given time. This means that instead of working on all of your great ideas that have made the short list (which could still be a hundred great ideas), you will take the top 2 or 3.

You may also want to decide how much time you will spend on projects each week, and then use that to decide how many of your ideas you will work on at any given time. The idea here is to maintain a balance between all of your commitments. Again, by completing well-formed outcomes on all of your top ideas you should get a realistic view of what the consequences are of working on each project.

Each year at about this time I, like most people, sit down and set my goals for the coming year. Typically, I open up the file where my goals from the previous year are kept, and take stock of my achievements. I am never really disappointed, but I often find that while I have accomplished a great deal over the past 12 months, much of what I have written down on my list is still incomplete, and much of what I have completed are not on my list.

What this tells me is that I’m not really writing down what I need to achieve, and perhaps some of the things I have written down do not fit in with what I really value, or want to achieve. Some of my resolutions tend to get transferred from one year to the next because I simply cannot stand to leave a goal left unachieved, even if that goal is no longer relevant.

In a nutshell, I set myself up for failure.

Now, some of you may relate to what I’m writing. Others may not. But this is honest self-disclosure happening here! But I have a plan to change things… and here it is.

1. I am not going to open up that file. And I am not going to review my 2010 resolutions. Instead, I am going to start with a clean sheet of paper, and develop goals that are truly meaningful to me, and are aligned with my values. My goals are going to be tangible (that is, measurable), reasonable, and impactful.

2. Instead of having a long list of resolutions, as I usually do, I am going to set down only a few; 3-5 max, that are really important to me. I am not going to try and become perfect, or accomplish everything I want to do for the rest of my life in 1 year. But what I do accomplish will be fulfilling and rewarding.

How am I going to do these two things? First, I am going to brainstorm, and make the long list of “want to do’s.” Then, I am going to spend time meditating and reflecting on each, and continue to do so until I have narrowed that list down to my Top 10. Once I have done this, I will write out well-formed outcomes for each. Yes, I will actually write down (or type in my case) the well-formed outcome for each potential goal.

Once I have my well-formed outcomes, I will then reflect on these Top 10, and select only those that will have the most significant impact on my life, and on the life of my family. I will select only those that have significant impact, and I will select a maximum of 5 goals.

Having selected those three goals, I will frame each of those 5 goals and hang them in my office, next to my computer screen, where I will be able to see them every single time I sit down. I will also schedule, in my calendar, 30 minutes each week to reflect on each of my resolutions. During this time I will revisit each goal, assess my progress, and ensure each is still meaningful to me as my life changes. I will be flexible enough to modify my goals, but when I do, I will revise my well-formed outcome for the goal – in writing.

In short, I am going to set myself up for success.

What, if any, changes are you going to make to your New Year’s resolution strategy?

Many years ago while I was still a midshipman at the Naval Academy I had the fortune of spending part of my summer training at the Marine Corps Officer Candidate School (OCS), and The Basic School (TBS) learning how to become a Marine Corps officer.

Although I ultimately decided to accept my commission in the Navy and not the Marines, I learned a great deal from my OCS and TBS experiences. First, and foremost I learned that I could actually do far more than I thought I was capable of. Part of this lesson was learning about the things that hold many people back from achieving their potential. And, one of the main culprits is fear.

This lesson was reinforced one early morning when we were navigating the Tarzan Assault Course at OCS. To get a perspective on the value of the lesson, its useful to understand the nature of the Tarzan Course. It is a series of rope obstacles suspended about 10-20 feet above the ground in trees. At various points you jump, crawl, slide, or walk along these ropes, and (at least when we did it) there was no safety net or lanyards. You pretty much navigated the course or fell to the deck.

I recall one particular part of the course where we were required to slide backwards down a rope without using our hands. We simply had to lay on the rope, which was about 2” diameter, hook one foot over it, push off, and let go with our hands, and slide. This was the scariest part of the course for me, probably because it felt like I had given up all control. I remember getting on the rope, heart pounding, and hearing the drill instructor shout up at me “FEAR WILL GET YOU HURT!”… along with a few other things I cannot repeat on the blog.

So, deciding I was more afraid of the drill instructor, and the embarrassment of not completing the course, than I was of falling, I pushed off and let go. And I made it. The lesson for me was that sometimes thing seem a lot scarier than they are, and with courage and determination, any obstacle can be overcome. I also learned that fear is a state of mind that can undermine people’s efforts, and keep them from achieving their potential.

This is not to say that fear never serves a useful purpose. It does. Fear is a survival mechanism that may keep us alive at times. However, when fear becomes paralyzing, or begins to generate irrational limiting beliefs in us, it becomes a barrier to our success and happiness. The trick is not to be fearless, but to understand the nature of our fears, and to master them.

Think about the things that you are afraid of, and really assess how rational some of these fears are, and how they may be holding you back. You may find that many of your fears really don’t serve a constructive or useful purpose.

We hear a lot about values. During election campaigns politicians talk about “traditional values.” There are also cultural values (“American values, European values, etc.), “family values”, “value based leadership,” etc. etc.

We hear about how important values are in society, or about important it is to instill strong value systems in our children. But, when we speak about values, what exactly are we talking about?

What are values?

While most of us have an intuitive idea about the nature of a value, few could provide a clear definition of what one actually is. Most recognize that values are generally related to something of worth, or meaning. When we say we have a particular value, we are by default assigning worth and meaning to that value. We are saying it is important to us.

For example, if we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we believe that being successful is worth something, or that it has meaning to our lives. From our statement we can assume that “success” is worth taking specific, and perhaps difficult, steps to achieve. In other words, our goals and actions will reflect the value of “success.” They form the basis for our behaviors and motivations.

Values are typically abstract concepts. For example, although you and I may both say that “success” is a value, we will most likely have at least subtle differences in how we define success. Therefore, our motivations, goals, plans, and behaviors may be very different as we pursue success.

To summarize, values define what we desire, or seek to achieve.

But there is more…

As I mentioned above, values are usally very abstract. When we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we desire success, and that success is worth some effort to achieve. But how do we clarify what success actually is?

Robert Dilts, in his book Sleight of Mouth, contends that another construct is at play in our value systems. According to Dilts, we use what are known as criteria to further define our values. The best way to describe criteria and how the relate to values is by an example.

If my definition of success is having very strong relationships with friends and family, I will probably not work 60 hours each week to get that next promotion or bonus. Instead, I will choose to do things that build those relationships over things that build my career, such as spending more time at home, or with friends, building those relationships.

On the other hand, if you define success as becoming a Vice President before age 35, you will most likely put in those extra hours, even at the expense of some of your relationships.

So, my criteria for success is strong personal and family relationships. Your criteria for success (in this example) is career growth.

Our criteria make the abstract value of success more concrete for each of us, and therefore influence our goals and behaviors.

Contemplating your own values

Most (all?) of us could sit down and write out a list of values that we believe to be sacred. Perhaps values like “honesty”, “integrity”, “loyalty”, “achievement”, “family”, and many others would appear on most of our lists. Some of these values have been passed down through our own family or national cultures. These are expected values. But how do we really know they are “our own” values?

There are two obvious tests.

First, sit down with your list of values, then go through each value and write down the criteria for that value. Odds are, if you cannot write down several criteria for any particular value, you have not really defined what that value means to you. And if you have not defined the value, you probably have not internalized it. And a value that is not internalized is not really a value that you own for yourself.

Second, after you have really defined your values, reflect on how well you actually keep them. If you say you value family, but your efforts are mostly focused towards work, there may be cause to reconsider how strongly you hold the family value. In other words, the more strongly your behavior reflects the values you purport to hold, the more strongly you actually hold those values.

The hierarchical and fluid nature of values

You may feel a little concerned or confused (or even offended) after reading the last section. There is really no need, because it is entirely possibly, even probably, that some of your values may conflict with some others. This is because values are hierarchical and fluid by nature.

This statement may surprise you because you may have been taught that values are set in stone, universal, and concrete. But on reflection, can you name a single value that actually is any of these?

Some may say that respecting human life is an absolute value. But, in the next breath we may justify killing terrorists, or a criminal that has committed murder, or another person who is threatening the life of your own child.

So, do we say that we do not value human life? No, what we would say is that we do value human life, but not as much as we value justice, or defending our own children. So when we think about each of these values: human life, justice, defending our children, we see that there is a hierarchy.

To complicate things further, some of our values and criteria may even change over time. For instance, it is not uncommon for people to change their value criteria as they grow older and experience more. A traumatic or highly emotional event may change the values a person has as well. Sometimes we may even choose to reflect on a value, and modify it or its criteria to better fit in our own map of reality.

Values are complex psychological constructs. They are ambiguous, vague, and abstract. But in our own minds we assign them criteria to further define them and make them more practical. Values govern our behaviors and motivation, and therefore our perceptions of reality.

However, it would be wrong to say they “control” us, because they are fluid and hierarchical. We have the ability to modify our values and criteria based on our own experiences and needs. I encourage you to explore your values, understand their criteria and hierarchy, and align your work and behaviors with them. In doing so you will lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

When most people think of psychology they think of a mentally ill person laying on a couch having his psyche dissected by Freudian-type person who asks a lot of questions about the patient’s mother.

Well, to be sure there is still some of that kind of therapy going on, but psychology has changed quite a bit since Freud and Jung. Much of the emphasis on modern psychology is still diagnosis and treatment of mental illness.

However, another approach that focuses less on treating mental illness, and more on improving healthy people’s lives, and keeping them healthy, is gaining popularity. This school of psychology is known as positive psychology.

If you have read much of my blog, or those of the hundreds of other personal development bloggers out there in the blogosphere, you have most likely been exposed to positive psychology. Indeed, if you have read any of the popular self-help books, you already know what positive psychology is about.

What are some examples of positive psychology?

Positive psychology is not just about making people “feel good,” (although I would argue there is some value in that alone). It is about preparing people mentally and emotionally to live happy, successful, and fulfilling lives.

A good example of positive psychology at work is teaching people the value of introspection, mindfulness, and reframing to enable them to react appropriately to life’s challenges, or to align their actions and values. Some of these same techniques are used to treat mental illness such as depression and anxiety, but can also be effectively applied to healthy people to help them better their lives.

Techniques such as NLP, hypnosis, and even clinical practices such as cognitive-behavioral therapies are also very useful when applied in the context of positive psychology.

Teaching people stress relief methods, or other forms of self-care such as the importance of exercise, relaxation, and a healthy diet are also forms of positive psychology. Other forms of positive psychology include helping people focus on their successes, teaching them to learn from failure, and how to make criticism work in their favor.

As you can see, the possibilities are limitless.

An emphasis on positive psychology can make serious improvements in your life, and in the lives of others around you. This does not mean that there is no place for other forms of psychology. The reality is that there is a lot of trauma out there in the real world, and modern psychology has developed some very effective treatments to help people overcome their challenges with mental illness. However, it’s important to realize that psychology is not just for the sick. It can benefit us all.

Recently, I read an article on CNN.com that asked the question, “How rich is rich?”

This started to make me think about the question of “How much is enough?” If you recall, my very first post on this blog was about how we define success. In America, it seems to me that success is defined by material wealth. We place a great value on “what we do” (our job), where we live, what car we drive, and how “healthy” our 401k is. Many Americans are proud of the fact that we work 50, 60, or even more hours per week. Those who don’t work long hours are often perceived as unambitious, or even lazy.

In short, our work, and the material wealth it brings to us, becomes our identity. Don’t believe me? Try this: ask ten people to tell you who they are, and I’ll wager that at least eight of those ten people will tell you what they do; e.g. – I am Chris, and I am a lawyer; I am Lauren and I am in marketing, etc. etc.

Instead of talking about their family, hobbies, spirituality, or any of the things that truly define who a person really is, most of those you ask this question will focus on their job. I have conducted this experiment hundreds of times in seminars, social gatherings, and even at bars, and the trend is the same; people describe who they are in terms of their jobs.

What’s wrong with this?

I am not here to say that there is anything wrong with basing one’s identity on their job. We should take pride in our work, and when we truly enjoy what we do our work can bring joy and purpose to our lives.

My question is whether America’s work ethic is a result of the pure joy and purpose our jobs bring to our lives, or a matter of seeking to fulfill these needs with more toys. If you are working 50+ hours per week in a job you truly love, and one that brings meaning and fulfillment to your life, then perhaps you have found your path. On the other hand, if you are working simply to accumulate “more,” then maybe its time to take a step back and assess your life’s work.

Is the sacrifice worth “more?”

Part of this assessment is understanding what you may be sacrificing to gain “more.” When I speak of “more,” I mean more stuff; e.g. – more status, more money, a bigger house, a nicer car, a bigger TV… in other words, more material wealth. How much is it all worth?

Is it worth chronic stress, and the resulting mental and physical health problems? Is having “more” worth sacrificing a deeper relationship with family and friends? Is it worth not having the time to work on personal growth and development; e.g – reading a good book, meditating, exercising, learning?

Finally, is it worth never learning who you truly are? Is dedication to “the job,” and earning “more” worth surrendering your personal identity to the profession?

Only you can answer these questions.

So, how much is enough?

I’ll be honest. I like “stuff” as much as anybody. I understand the appeal of having “more.” I drive a BMW, have a pretty nice house, a purebred beagle, and like having money to go out to dinner occasionally. But, the question I regularly have to ask myself is how much is enough?

As with most things, I think the answer to this question (for me) is finding a balance between having a comfortable lifestyle while still maintaining the ability to continue on my path of learning and personal growth.

This is a balance that is sometimes very difficult to achieve. My wife will be the first to tell me that I try to do too much all at once. She provides some of the balance I need by being demanding when necessary. And for that I am grateful… even if not at the precise time she is being demanding!

Striking the balance

Here are some of my recommendations for striking a healthy balance:

Develop a plan. Understanding what is most important in your life is an essential first step in finding balance. You can’t get to balance if you don’t know what you want it to look like.

Developing a plan for a balanced life must start with some serious introspection. Meditation, therapy, talking with a mentor, or just sitting in quite contemplation of what it is that you want out of life for yourself and your family are ways to begin to clarify what is most important, and what balance looks like for you.

Develop a good support network. Having family and friends who value living a balanced lifestyle, and have shared goals and ideas, is a necessary part of keeping an even keel. As I mentioned, my wife is a great aid to me as I am one of those people who simply must achieve (aka, Type A personality).

Another great way to develop support networks is to subscribe to blogs (like this one!), or other local groups that promote healthy and balanced living. One of my favorite sites is Balance in Me, but there are dozens of others out there as well.

Start by taking small steps. For most people the move towards balance can seem daunting. After all, most employers would not understand your desire to work 10 fewer hours per week. And, the strain of simply quitting your day job may be too much for you, or your family, to handle. After all, the life you have built for yourself should not necessarily be simply tossed aside.

However, you can start making a transition to the balanced life you seek by working 1 or 2 fewer hours per week, designating a night each week for quality family time, or 20 minutes each day for personal development or exercise, etc. By building on these small steps you may be surprised how quickly your life can be transformed.

Revisit your plan and progress often. Let’s face it. Most people do not start out life seeking to become dissatisfied and imbalanced. Typically, imbalance results from ideas that are placed into our heads during school, like “Being an artist is a waste of time, choose a career you can make a lot of money at.” The next thing you know, you are climbing the corporate ladder, and before you know it you look down and wonder… “would I be happier as an artist?” Then the mid life crisis sets in…

So, the moral of the story here is to pay attention to your life. It is not a dress rehearsal. Periodically reflect on where you are at, and where you are going. A regular meditation schedule and an active support network can keep you on track.