Although I love YouTube, and there is a ton of great content on it, I typically do not republish. However, this video is an exception. It is beautiful in its simplicity and power.

What do you think?

Created by Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds NLP. Visit her at www.brilliantminds.co.uk

1. Lack of Clear Purpose
I’ve seen lots of presentations that contained interesting, maybe even useful, information but still left me thinking, ‘So what?’ And I’m sure you have, too. This is what happens when the presenter lacks a clear purpose. The presentation rambles around, covers various topics but never really seems to come to a point.

To avoid this, take time before you start to prepare your presentation and clearly identify its purpose. Then, when you prepare your presentation, only include material that is relevant to that purpose.

2. Preparing the slides, but nothing else
How often have you had to sit through a PowerPoint presentation that, frankly didn’t need a presenter? You know the sort of thing I mean, each slide is densely packed with bullet points that the ‘presenter’ then reads out. I usually just read the slide and then wait for the ‘presenter’ to catch up!

To avoid this one, prepare the presentation first, then the slides. Too many people seem to think that their slides ARE the presentation. No, the presentation is what YOU say and do. The slides are secondary.

3. Starting with an apology
Some people think that if they begin with an apology, “unaccustomed as I am…” or something similar, then their audience will expect less of them and be more forgiving if they’re not very good. Wrong! Your audience expect – and I think they have a right to expect – you to be good. To be worth listening to. To deliver value.

Never, ever begin with an apology. Your audience are hoping that you’ll be good. Act as if you will be good, even if you’re not as confident as you’d like to be. Telling them you’re nervous or inexperienced or just off a red-eye flight will only get them looking for the faults in your presentation. Give them something else to think about.

4. Trying to be Funny
Some people have a gift for humour, others don’t. We’ve all suffered at the hands of a presenter who peppers their presentation with weak jokes or tries to make witty comments and fails miserably.

So be honest with yourself, do you have the gift of humour or not? If you’re in the latter category (like me) then accept it and don’t try to be funny. It’s a myth that people will like your presentation more if you tell jokes. Actually you’re just wasting time. Have a clear purpose and fulfil that purpose and your audience will listen and will respect you.

5. Not Knowing When or How to Stop
This, for me, is the greatest giveaway of an inexperienced presenter. They might do a great job of presenting what they prepared, then when they get to the end they either repeat themselves endlessly or just tail away rather lamely. Some do both. If they’re fortunate there will be a slick and experienced Chairman who can intervene. If not, we’re all in trouble.
The answer? Prepare the ending as thoroughly as you prepare your opening. Decide on the final thought you want to leave your audience with and work out how to deliver it for maximum impact. When you’ve delivered it, STOP. What could be easier!

One of the presuppositions of NLP is that the meaning of a communication is in the way it is received. I posted a guest post from Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds on this presupposition back in June of this year, but think it is worth visiting again. It is that important.

But, in this post I am going to approach the topic from a different direction than Dianne. In her post, Dianne explained in some detail how this presupposition works. (I highly recommend reading her post. Just click on any one of the links). In this post, I am going to describe some specific ways to ensure that our messages are understood.

The role of empathy

This presupposition is a simple way of saying that we must take responsibility for how we attempt to communicate a message. When we wish to convey a particular message and it is misinterpreted, we often blame the recipient for misunderstanding. We get defensive and even blaming, and arguments happen.

Fundamentally, the reason for the conflict and misunderstanding that comes from “miscommunication,” indeed, the reason for miscommunication itself, is typically because empathy is lacking in both the transmitter and the receiver of the message.

When we communicate without empathy, we are transmitting without any regard or consideration to the needs of our intended receiver. Often times people will try and justify this lack of empathy by saying they prefer to “tell it like it is,” or to “be direct.” The true motive behind this desire to “be direct” is to force our message on somebody else, with little regard to how they may interpret or receive it. After all, if we really want to be understood, why would we not want to tailor our message to the recipient? This “being direct” is a fundamentally selfish way of communicating.

Likewise, it is impossible to accurately receive a message without empathy. Think about active listening as an example. It is simply not possibly to engage in active listening – to give somebody your total attention, and show genuine interest in what the other is trying to say, without empathy. In fact, a fundamental part of active listening is to connect with the sender, and repeat back his or her message in our own words to confirm our own understanding.

By definition, we cannot form such a connection and understanding without empathizing.

So why does the sender hold the primary responsibility for the way a message is received?

I’ve just said that lack of empathy on both sides of a communication is the reason why misunderstandings and the resulting conflicts happen. That being the case, you may be wondering why it is that the sender has the responsibility for ensuring his or her message is accurately received.

It simple. The sender starts the cycle, and understands (hopefully) the meaning of the message being conveyed. The receiver cannot possibly understand the meaning unless the sender conveys it. Therefore, the sender is the only person that can logically be responsible.

Furthermore, if the sender places his own need to validate himself, or to “be direct,” or “tell it like it is,” over the way a message is received or how it is interpreted, there can be no empathy conveyed, and the message will more than likely generate a violent (not in the physical sense… hopefully) reaction.

By following the guidelines below, we can communicate with empathy and in a nonviolent manner, and ensure our messages are understood:

Be aware of your objective. The sender is the only person who can know the meaning of any communication before it is sent. If the sender does not know what meaning she wants to convey, then how can the receiver possibly understand it?

It is also necessary that the sender understand “why” he wants to send the message in the first place. Is the intent constructive, or antagonistic? Antagonism rarely gets the results we want… at least in the long term. It is possible to communicate anger in ways that actually achieve positive results and get your needs met. Simply being argumentative damages relationships and ensures your real message – e.g. the need you want to have met – is not received.

Avoid vague language. This is not the same as “being direct” in the sense most people understand it. What avoiding vague language means is to speak plainly, but with empathy, and in a way your receiver can understand and accept.

As we’ve already learned, understanding without empathy is simply not possibly. When choosing your language you want to convey your needs, as well as concern for the receiver, otherwise your message will almost certainly create defensiveness in the recipient, and you are likely to simply end up in a conflict of competing needs.

Be honest about your needs. We all want to have their needs met. And when they aren’t met, we typically get resentful. As resentment builds, empathy departs. And (again) without empathy effective communication is simply not possible.

The time to communicate your needs is before this cycle sets in. It is best to be honest about your needs while you can also be empathic and sensitive to your recipient’s needs as well.

Communicate in the positive. Use positive language when communicating. By doing this you will find it much easier to convey empathy, and frame your message in a nonviolent manner.

Abolish “but” from your vocabulary. A simple yet powerful way to make your language more positive is by replacing any “but” statements with “and” statements. For example, notice the difference between,

“I really want to work this out with you, but I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

And

“I really want to work this out with you, and I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

The messages being sent are subtly different. The “but” statement implies an “either, or” situation. Either we work this out, or I get my needs met.

By replacing “but” with “and,” you imply that both conditions can be met; you just don’t know how…. yet.

Get feedback and confirmation. A great way to ensure the meaning of your message is actually being conveyed is to ask. Again, doing so with empathy will usually result in genuine attempts at understanding. Doing so without empathy results in conflict.

Request, don’t demand. We cannot force anybody to do what we want, at least not for the long term. However, when we request something from somebody else with empathy, we usually generate a genuine desire within them to help.

Even if they cannot do what we are asking, they will most likely work with us to find another way to meet our needs.

When we demand, we generate resentment and resistance, and rarely get our needs met.

You hopefully noticed that empathy is the key ingredient of successful communications, and that empathy must be present from the very beginning, in the message being communicated. Given this, it should also be obvious that the sender is the only person that can be responsible for the way his or her message is received.

A message delivered with empathy will show concern for the needs of the recipients as well as the senders. It will be crafted in a way that the recipient can understand. And the sender will clarify understanding, and if necessary, change the way the message is crafted to ensure understanding.

Public speaking is a terrifying experience for many people. In fact, depending on the polls you look at… and believe… the fear of speaking in public is by far the most widespread fear around. It’s also the one thing that most people would least like to do. There is good news, however. Just about everybody can learn to be comfortable with, and even excel at, public speaking. A good beginning is to learn about how those who are great at it already do it. In NLP speak, this is known as modeling.

What are some of the characteristics of brilliant public speakers?

1. The key ingredient to becoming a great public speaker is knowing how to manipulate the audience’s emotions. Brilliant public speakers are able to inspire emotions in their audience, literally captivating them and drawing them into the topic they are covering.

2. Great public speakers find points or areas within their topics that inspire them, and pass along that emotion with their own energy and inspiration. In other words, the speaker is emotionally and intellectually involved in the topic, and expresses his involvement and emotion through his passion and energy. As we have discussed on this blog in the past, energy and emotion are contagious. Brilliant public speakers are aware of the power of their emotion and energy, and tap into it to captivate their audience.

3. Brilliant public speakers focus on the audience more than they do on themselves. They worry less about what they are going to say, and more about the reactions they get from the audience. The feed on audience cues, and adjust their presentations to maximize their emotional impact. They focus attention where it is needed, vary the tonality of their voice, and are fearless in their efforts to transfer their energy to their audience.

4. Effective public speakers deliver their messages in ways that appeal to their audiences. For larger audiences, this means using a variety of modalities – visual, kinesthetic, varying sentence lengths and word selections, and even tactile or olfactory (feel and smell) to maximize their impact on the audience as a whole. For smaller audiences, they do research in advance, and pick up on cues from their audience, and adapt to their preferred modalities for receiving information.

5. Finally, brilliant speakers prepare themselves mentally for presentations. Many use visualization techniques, or dry runs. They visualize how they will present, and how the audience will react. They run through various scenarios and adjustments. They see themselves being confident, knowledgeable, accepted by the audience, and successful.

The fear of public speaking, like many fears, is irrational. In the overwhelming majority of cases, your audience is there to hear what you have to say because they want to be there. With some practice, and some mental preparation, you can become a brilliant public speaker.

Created by Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds NLP, http://www.brilliant-minds.co.uk

This one is a very frequently-quoted Presupposition of NLP, and one that puts us very firmly in a position of responsibility if we choose to accept it.

The underlying principle here is ‘the map is not the territory’. If you read my earlier article on that presupposition you’ll remember how we looked at the way that experiences mean different things to different people. Two people can ‘make sense’ of the same events in very different ways.

Similarly, words can mean different things to different people. What you thought you meant might not be what someone else would understand by what you said. Or to put it another way, the words that you choose to express your thoughts might correspond to some rather different thoughts in someone else’s head.

No word has an absolute meaning. Language develops and changes and the meaning of words can shift over time. What you understand by the words ‘nice’, disinterested’ and ‘gay’ is probably very different from how those same words were understood 200 years ago.

In just the same way, words can have different meanings to people in contemporary times and alternative understandings can be equally valid.

This can be one of the reasons why misunderstandings arise in communication. It is especially true in written communications, because we are deprived of the voice tonality, facial expressions and gestures that would serve to clarify our meaning in a face-to-face encounter.

Now, if you’re one of the people who can spend a lot of time crafting the words in your emails and reports to convey the exact nuance of meaning that you intend, I have some bad news for you. The exact nuance of meaning that you intended to convey is probably lost on the readers of your carefully composed sentences.

Now, this where our presupposition – the meaning of your communication is in the response it gets – comes into play.

Have you ever found yourself saying to someone, “No, that’s not what I meant!” and feeling quite indignant that they have missed the point of your wonderfully articulate email? You have? Well, sorry, but the presupposition says that whatever meaning the listener or reader of your words ascribes to them IS the meaning of your words.

And the meaning of your words can most accurately be identified by observing the reaction to them, because a response in words is subject to all the same vagaries as your original message.

So the meaning of your message is what others understand by your message, not what you intended them to understand. In other words, if you want people to get a particular message, it’s your responsibility to create the understanding in the mind of your listeners/readers, rather than it being their responsibility to figure out what you intended.

To illustrate the point, let me tell you a story:

The Managing Director of a firm I was working with was very proud of his 5-year plan and the clear objectives that he’d identified for each year. As I met different people in the organisation I asked them about the 5-year plan and the current priorities. None were able to tell me what they were. When I relayed this finding back to the Managing Director he snapped, “Well, they should know. I’ve told them.”

It was clear to me, that whatever he intended and thought he had communicated, he actually had communicated nothing. Nobody knew the plan, therefore he had not communicated it.

So what’s the answer? Well, for a start, ask yourself what is the response you want to your communication? To convey your message accurately, it’s usually more effective to give the same message several times, in more than one way. Keep monitoring the response. When you get the response you were looking for, you may be justified in considering that you’ve communicated what you wanted to communicate.

And there again…

Empathy is an important part of any relationship. Being able to view things from another’s perspective, place yourself in their position, and feel what they feel makes forming very deep bonds possible. But too often, even the most compassionate people avoid opportunities to empathize and bond with those who should be closest to them.

Husbands and wives, parents and children, families and others sometimes get so preoccupied and “used to” each other that they simply stop making the effort, or worse, don’t realize an effort is needed. Usually, lack of empathy is not malicious, or even realized until the relationship splinters, and then there is surprise. The emotional bank account is empty.

The good news is that there are ways to ensure that the emotional bank account stays in the green. I’ve listed some of these ways in a previous post, so won’t repeat them here. Instead, I’m going to focus on building emotional connections. And the best way to do this is to become a collector of emotional moments.

What does it mean to be a collector of emotional moments?

When I talk about becoming a collector of emotional moments, what I mean is looking for opportunities to connect emotionally with others. And when those opportunities arise, never miss them, and always celebrate them. As you take the opportunity to recognize, celebrate and collect these emotional moments, your relationships leave the mundane and practical, and become emotional themselves. In other words, they deepen on an empathic level.

Dr. John Gottman talks about these special emotional moments being like pearls in a string of pearls. Each pearl is unique and represents a time when each person is fully present in the moment with the other, and connecting on a deep level. As this string of pearls gets longer, the relationship deepens and the emotional bank account grows. As it does, each partner in the relationship becomes more mindful of the other, and better able to be empathic towards the other, even in difficult times. The relationship grows beyond superficial and can withstand the inevitable disagreements and challenges every relationship faces.

How do you start?

The first step in becoming a collector of emotional moments is to make a determination that the relationship is worth deepening, because like most things, developing the necessary skills takes time and effort. Once you have made the decision to deepen the relationship, then you begin to look for these moments. This requires that you be present, and attuned, to your partner.

Notice when he expresses himself emotionally, and recognize the emotional expression as a bid for connection, even if it may not seem so. Facial expressions, tones, body language are all clues to your partner’s emotional state. Look for when they are happy, sad, angry, fearful, or in any other emotional state and be present, unconditionally. Let her know that you recognize and understand their emotions with your own expressions, words and gestures. Its that simple. Mere acknowledgement and understanding, without argument or excuses, build emotional connections, and the emotional bank account.

The challenge and the payoff

The challenge in becoming a collector of emotional moments is usually that doing so requires significant changes in relationship habits. To be a good collector, you have to proactively look for and seize on opportunities to connect with others. You have to be present and mindful, and you have to sometimes put yourself at risk of your partner’s anger or even contempt, without reacting defensively or arguing… even when you are convinced you are right. You just have to believe that at some point you will have the opportunity to share your point of view when it can be heard by your partner. This takes courage and faith.

But, the payoffs are tremendous, and if you have the faith and courage to become a collector, your relationships will reach new levels of meaningfulness.

To learn more about deepening your relationships, and becoming a collector of emotional moments, order a copy of Dr. Gottman’s book, The Relationship Cure.

I’ve written many posts on this blog about improving relationships. I’ve talked about building the emotional bank account, being mindful of your partners and friends, being engaged and proactive, and about the building blocks of any relationship – the bid.

All of these are important and proactive ways to improve relationships. Understanding the bid is the most fundamental skill. Just as knowing how to offer and respond to bids for connection appropriately is fundamental to building relationships, there are some ways that your responses to bids can surely destroy your relationships.

Here are 6 responses to bids for connections that will ruin your relationships

Be defensive. Shifting responsibility or blame to your partner is a sure way to start a nasty argument. Let’s face it, in any dispute nobody is purely innocent. Reacting defensively creates a wall of separation and destroys empathy and any possibility of a positive outcome.

Learn to listen to your partner’s complaints without becoming defensive, and to empathize with them to understand your part in the problem.

Respond with contempt. The #1 killer of any relationship is contempt. Once contempt sneaks in, it is like poison and must be remedied immediately. When you respond with contempt, you send a clear message that you do not value the person or the relationship, even if you don’t really mean it.

Guard against hurtful or disrespectful comments, even in the heat of an argument. Find the positives in the other person’s character, and focus on the behavior, not personal attacks. This is where being a collector of emotional moments comes in handy.

Be domineering. When you attempt to dominate or control your partner, child, or friend, you show lack of empathy or concern for their position. The relationship is no longer mutual.

Make genuine efforts to listen, and accept that you don’t have to convince the other of your point of view. Learn to agree to disagree, and accept the value of the other person’s point of view. Remember, “the map is not the territory.”

Be beligerent. When you are combative, provocative, or sarcastic you send the message that you want to fight, and potentially hurt, the other person. Your goal is no longer to find agreement, or even express your views or feelings, but to WIN.

When you feel you are losing your temper and becoming belligerent, take a break. Come back to the discussion when you can avoid combative, provocative, or sarcastic language.

Contradict the other person whenever possible. We all know how infuriating it can be when somebody purposely contradicts every minor point we make. When you find yourself doing this, ask yourself why you are doing it. What is the motive? Are you simply trying to anger the other?

Ignore minor mistakes or discrepancies. Focus on the goal… to resolve the issue and build the relationship.

Be critical of the person. When you attack the person instead of the behavior you are being critical, and attacking the person’s character.

Again, focus on the issue and behaviors, not on the person. Remember, a person is not his or her behavior. Attacking the person only encourages defensiveness and escalation.

Presumably, if you choose to be in a relationship with another person you see value in that person, or in the relationship. Keep this in mind when the other makes bids for connection, and remember, anger is a bid. Your response should be one that achieves the goal of developing or deepening the relationship. After all, why be in a relationship at all if its a bad one, or one that’s not worth having?

Check out these books to learn more about building great relationships.

Last weekend my wife and I took our (now) 11 month old daughter to see her great grandma. My mother also decided to make the trip with us. While we often visit Great Grandma, and we see my mother nearly every day, it really never dawns on me how great these visits are. We sort of take them for granted. But this visit was different, because we are moving to Ohio in just a couple of days to take advantage of an opportunity that, frankly, is too good to pass up.

Maybe our impending departure is why I really became attuned to one of the reasons our visits to Great Grandma are always so great… the conversation. Although Great Grandma is getting up in years, she is still a joy to be around, partly because she is a great conversationalist. And the rapport between her and my mother is something to behold. It is simply contagious. I guess I could sum it all up as she is always “present.”

It’s just so easy to get engaged in the conversations, even though they really aren’t about much that is important. We never talk about the wars, or the economy… and we generally stay away from politics and religion. We just talk about “stuff,” like the garden, or what makes a good RV, or how to knit a wool cap, or Great Grandma’s childhood, or just about anything that most people reading this may think is terribly mundane. But I pose that its not the topic that makes the conversation great… its the casual rapport that seems to just form between Great Grandma and anybody else in the room.

So how does she do it? I really cannot say definitively. But I notice that she almost always has a smile on her face, and she really engages people. She seems to really want to hear what you have to say. She doesn’t talk “at” you, but allows you to take part, and even say things she doesn’t agree with. She doesn’t judge, even when she may not agree. And the metaphors and stories from her past that she uses to make her points are always appropriate and entertaining.

Through her nearly decades of experience she has really learned the art of casual conversation. It’s too bad that the art is nearly a lost art…

So how are your conversations?

Welcome to my first video blog!

Today I am discussing confirmation bias, maps of reality, and how these concepts play into personal development and relationships.

This, and my future videos can also be seen on the ChrisAkinsdotCom YouTube profile.

I hope you enjoy, and hope you will leave some feedback in the comment section!

What is the collective unconscious?
Carl Jung, perhaps the second most famous name in pscychology after Freud, coined the phrase “collective unconscious” in his 1939 work, “The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious.” He suggested that, in addition to the personal consciousness we are part of a greater, shared consciousness of humanity. This collective unconscious accounts for values and concepts that are shared among all human kind. Unlike the personal conscious, which is developed from our personal experience, the collective unconscious is inherited from our ancestors. In other words, it is part of our innate being. It is not learned through individual experience.

While some people, even a handful of pscyhiatrists and psychologists, may view the idea of a collective consciousness as so much hippie, new age, nonsense, genetic research and neuroscience is now providing a basis for the concept.

Even the most skeptical psychologists and scientists accept that personality is influenced by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. The implication of this acknowledgement is that, to some degree, personality characteristics are passed down from generation to generation through genetic code. We also generally accept that our personality influences the way we view and interpret the world around us. In other words, these codes may influence our values.


What about choice?
The notion that we may effectively be born with predispositions to particular ways of viewing the world does not necessarily mean that we are predestined to do so. Just as scientists are discovering the influence of genetics on our personalities and values, they are also discovering that environmental factors influence our genes. In other words, we may have genetic predispositions to certain ways of viewing our world, but these genes are activated by our experiences. Hence, when we say our values are passed down from our parents, what we mean is that the environment we grow up in and the people we grow up around actually influence and activate our genes.

Sounds pretty far out there, I admit, but there is a growing body of scientific evidence that supports this theory.

Human connections
One possible way that our interactions with other people may act on our genes may be explained by recent discoveries in neuroscience. These discoveries seem to support the theory that human beings form mind-to-mind connections with each other on a neurological level. These connections happen unconsciously and automatically in virtually every encounter we have.

The facilitators of these connections are called mirror neurons. And we humans have a lot of them, which is a good thing, because mirror neurons are essential to learning and empathy. Mirror neurons work just as their name implies. They mirror in ourselves, on a neurological level, what we witness others experience. In other words, when we see another person eating a banana, mirror neurons fire in the same area of the brain that is responsible for eating a banana ourselves. Likewise, if we watch another person swing a baseball bat, we actually experience on a neurological level what it is like to swing the bat. In this way we learn by watching others. In fact, neuroscientists believe that mirror neurons are essential for learning, especially in infants and children.

Similarly, when we think about doing something, or rehearse it in our mind, as we may do during visualization, the very same neurons that would fire if we were actually doing the event fire when we are just imagining it. This is why meditation and guided visualization are such powerful learning tools.

Realizing the importance of mirror transmitters helps us understand why it is that moods are contagious as well. When we observe someone else in any given mood we receive cues from that person that we may not even be consciously aware of. Although science has not mapped out precisely how this works, I speculate that these cues are then processed and mimicked in our own minds by mirror neurons, which generate the same feelings, moods, etc. that we detect in the other person. This mechanism would also explain the workings of empathy, or how we can immediately interpret other’s facial expressions, etc.

So why is this important?
Recognizing that we share a collective consciousness is valuable on both philosophical and practical levels. Philosophically, this realization should reinforce our sense of community, and make us want to understand the actions of others without judging them. This in itself would go a long way in resolving conflicts between people, and even nations.

On a practical level, recognizing our abilities to spread our moods and energy to others is extremely valuable. When we understand the effect our moods may have on others we can become more conscious of how we are feeling to create moods that are desirable in other people. Imagine a platoon sergeant that is leading his men into a dangerous mission. He knows from his training and experience that if he shows fear, his men will be afraid and this may put them and the mission in danger. So he composes himself prior to briefing his men and prior to going on the mission. His men draw courage and confidence from his demeanor. A less extreme example commonly occurs with parents and their children. If Mom or Dad view going to the dentist with dread, so will the kids. But if Mom and Dad adopt a positive attitude to going, then kids will be less fearful.

The lesson from this is that we are all connected on a neurological level, and have tremendous ability to affect others and the world around us without even realizing it. So it is important to be aware of your moods, states, and attitudes. They are contagious.