Building great relationships, Part II – 5 Steps to Mastering the Bid
by Chris on March 4, 2010
in Relationships, communications
In Building Great Relationships, Part I we discussed the importance of relationships, and the role the bid plays in developing (or destroying) relationships of all kinds.
In Part II we will talk about how to master the art of the bid. John Gottman provides five fundamental steps:
1. Gain an understanding of how you bid, and how you respond to bids of others. You may remember from Part I that most of us are not even aware of many of the bids we are receiving. Being unaware can be catastrophic as bids from others may go by without acknowledgement, or this lack of awareness may be taken as outright hostility. It’s important to pay conscious attention to your partners, colleagues, friends, etc. and identify how they make their bids, and to make real effort to respond favorably whenever possible.
Likewise, its important to actively bid yourself. One of the most common mistakes in marriage is complacency. Partners simply stop bidding for each others connections. This is the road to separation, divorce and hostility. Make the effort to show other people you are interested in the relationship.
2. Pay attention to how your emotions affect the way you bid. If you are in a difficult relationship, or generally stressed, you may find it hard to muster the energy to bid.
The first step to overcoming this difficulty is awareness. Once you have awareness of the issues that are holding your back, then you can begin to work on them either in therapy, through self-hypnosis, meditation, or other methods. Do not be afraid to seek out help. Having a strong support structure with healthy relationships is therapy in itself. Its well worth the effort.
3. Be aware if how your emotional past affects your bidding style, and your ability to form deep relationships with others. Let’s face it: we all have baggage. And this baggage affects the way we build and manage our relationships. If you come from a life’s situation that makes it difficult for you to develop close relationships, this will make it difficult for you to place yourself in the vulnerable position of bidding.
Again, awareness is the first step. The second is processing the emotional trauma (e.g. baggage) and either resolving or accepting it so you can develop the nurturing relationships that are key to happiness and mental health. Once again, don’t be afraid to seek help. Its worth it!
4. Develop emotional communication skills. In other words, learn how to bid. A big part of learning how to bid is developing the ability to empathize with others. We are all different, and we all send and receive bids differently. What you may think of as a huge bid for affection may not be received that way if its not delivered in the right way, at the right time, or even if it’s the wrong bid. Learn about how your friends, partners, colleagues give and receive bids, and what is important to them.
For example, if your girlfriend or boyfriend values creativity on Valentines, don’t go to Hallmark for a card. Make one for him or her! If a business partner is mostly concerned about a product being delivered on time, don’t expect him to be thrilled with late delivery even if you discount the product.
Likewise, learn to appreciate bids even when they are not what you would prefer. If you receive a store bought gift from a loved one when you really wanted something hand made by them, accept it gratefully. Recognize that the fact the other person bid at all has value. You may over the course of the relationship discuss what is important to you, and over time get the kinds of bids you really want.
5. Find common ground. Many organizations and families have traditions and ceremonies. These traditions and ceremonies serve as common heritage and creates strong bonds. Learn to find shared values in your relationships, and develop traditions and ceremonies that deepen the bonds in the relationship.
These five steps take practice. They are not quick fixes. But over time you will notice your relationships deepening and becoming more satisfying if you develop these skills. And your partners, friends, colleagues, etc. will learn these skills by your example as well.
Building great relationships, Part I
by Chris on February 23, 2010
in Relationships, communications
Relationships are tough sometimes. But they are the most important aspect of our human existence. Even the shyest person is a social being. We need relationships to feel included and to have a sense of control in our lives; to make meaning of our place and purpose in society.
However, it seems that we as people are becoming more disconnected from each other and our humanity in our modern world. This can be seen in the divorce rates in the West; the tragedies of Columbine, Stockton, Washington and other school shooting; reduced empathy, civility and social intelligence in our interactions; and surges in violence not only in our own cities, but globally. Perhaps you can think of other signs.
While some may argue that the above are caused by the media, poverty, greater access to guns, and many other circumstances I would argue that these may be factors, but the primary cause is a failure to connect with others and form deep relationships.
The good news is that all is not lost. Even if you have difficulties forming relationships there is a skill that you can learn that can turn it all around. That skill is learning to recognize and appropriately respond to “bids.”
What is a “bid?”
John Gottman, perhaps the world’s most respected expert on personal relationships, talks about bids in his groundbreaking book, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
The bid can come in the form of question, a gesture, a look, a touch… or any other action that we use to attempt to become connected to another person in some way. Again, this connection does not need to be intimate. For instance, in the context of a business negotiation a bid may come in the form of an icebreaker, or a concession of some kind. In friendships bids can be showing an interest in what another is talking about.
Obviously, for any relationship to deepen and become meaningful regular bids must come from all parties involved. By bidding for another’s attention or affection we are showing interest in the relationship.
How we respond to a bid makes or breaks a relationship
A response to a bid is just that… its how the other person responds. He or she can accept the bid and respond in kind, ignore or be simply unaware of the bid, or outright reject the bid.
When a bid is acknowledged and responded to in a positive way bonds deepen, positive regard is developed, and the relationship deepens. In fact, the more successful bids that are exchanged in a relationship, the more likely the relationship is to survive hard times. Essentially, accepting and offering bids is like putting money into the emotional bank account.
Again, this not only applies to intimate relationships like marriages. It applies to all relationships.
Imagine you are looking to buy a new car. You go to the dealership and find a car you absolutely love… but the salesman is with another customer and makes you wait for an hour to speak with you, with hardly any acknowledgment. When he finally gets the time to speak with you he looks at you as if to judge whether or not to take you seriously, and shows little interest in closing the deal. Will you likely buy the car from this salesman, or go elsewhere?
Most of us would not even wait the hour, much less buy a car from the dealership. Why? Because the salesperson showed no interest in a relationship with us. He offered no bids, and refused the bids we offered to him.
Now let’s say that salesperson immediately acknowledged us, and let us know he was working with someone else but would be with us as soon as he could. Maybe he even offered us a coffee and showed us to the customer lounge, where the secretary gave us regular attention. Maybe we were even given the option to set an appointment to come back. And when we finally did speak to the salesperson we found out that there was a 2 month wait on the model we wanted, but he showed us several other models that we may be interested in.
Statistics show that with this level of customer service most of us would either wait 2 months for the car we want, or we would buy another model. The difference is that the salesperson showed a genuine interest in helping you find a car by responding to your bids, and likely offering bids of his own by asking open ended questions and offering solutions to help making your car shopping easier.
Both of these scenarios play out all the time in all of our different relationships, and we are often unaware of how our actions shape these relationships.
Take a couple of weeks and really try and recognize the bids you are giving and receiving in one of your important relationships, and try and respond in a positive way and see the difference. People appreciate being appreciated, and want to feel important. I suspect that if you do this you will see that relationship improve and deepen.
In Part II next week I’ll talk about the 5 steps of mastering the bid and making your relationships great!!
Communicating effectively in difficult situations
by Chris on September 2, 2009
in communications
Most of us have come in contact with a person who is irrational, irritable, upset, angry, suspicious… just really awkward to deal with. This may be a regular occurrence with some people, or it could be a one time experience with someone you don’t really know. Regardless, there is a way to manage the situation, keep it from boiling over, and at the same time effectively get your point across and achieve a reasonable outcome.
So how do you communicate with someone who simply doesn’t want to listen to what you have to say? Well, there are options. The first option is to ask yourself if you really need to get through to this person. If the answer is no, then perhaps you just remove yourself from the person and leave the situation. Life is too short… Read more..
