Created by Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds NLP. Visit her at www.brilliantminds.co.uk

1. Lack of Clear Purpose
I’ve seen lots of presentations that contained interesting, maybe even useful, information but still left me thinking, ‘So what?’ And I’m sure you have, too. This is what happens when the presenter lacks a clear purpose. The presentation rambles around, covers various topics but never really seems to come to a point.

To avoid this, take time before you start to prepare your presentation and clearly identify its purpose. Then, when you prepare your presentation, only include material that is relevant to that purpose.

2. Preparing the slides, but nothing else
How often have you had to sit through a PowerPoint presentation that, frankly didn’t need a presenter? You know the sort of thing I mean, each slide is densely packed with bullet points that the ‘presenter’ then reads out. I usually just read the slide and then wait for the ‘presenter’ to catch up!

To avoid this one, prepare the presentation first, then the slides. Too many people seem to think that their slides ARE the presentation. No, the presentation is what YOU say and do. The slides are secondary.

3. Starting with an apology
Some people think that if they begin with an apology, “unaccustomed as I am…” or something similar, then their audience will expect less of them and be more forgiving if they’re not very good. Wrong! Your audience expect – and I think they have a right to expect – you to be good. To be worth listening to. To deliver value.

Never, ever begin with an apology. Your audience are hoping that you’ll be good. Act as if you will be good, even if you’re not as confident as you’d like to be. Telling them you’re nervous or inexperienced or just off a red-eye flight will only get them looking for the faults in your presentation. Give them something else to think about.

4. Trying to be Funny
Some people have a gift for humour, others don’t. We’ve all suffered at the hands of a presenter who peppers their presentation with weak jokes or tries to make witty comments and fails miserably.

So be honest with yourself, do you have the gift of humour or not? If you’re in the latter category (like me) then accept it and don’t try to be funny. It’s a myth that people will like your presentation more if you tell jokes. Actually you’re just wasting time. Have a clear purpose and fulfil that purpose and your audience will listen and will respect you.

5. Not Knowing When or How to Stop
This, for me, is the greatest giveaway of an inexperienced presenter. They might do a great job of presenting what they prepared, then when they get to the end they either repeat themselves endlessly or just tail away rather lamely. Some do both. If they’re fortunate there will be a slick and experienced Chairman who can intervene. If not, we’re all in trouble.
The answer? Prepare the ending as thoroughly as you prepare your opening. Decide on the final thought you want to leave your audience with and work out how to deliver it for maximum impact. When you’ve delivered it, STOP. What could be easier!

Last week, I wrote a post discussing values, what they are, how we define them, and how they affect our behaviors and motivations. If you have not read it I encourage you to do so before reading this post.

What is the difference between a value and a belief? This is a question that I am often asked. Many people seem to lump the beliefs and values into the same definition. But, while both are related, there are actually some not-so-subtle differences between the two.

What are values?

Values are the basis for our behavior and motivation. Values are abstract, hierarchical and dynamic concepts that essentially describe what we desire or seek to achieve. We may hold values such as “loyalty”, “truthfulness”, “charity”, “service” and many others.

When we say we hold a value, what we are really saying is that we aspire to something, or we feel that value is worth something to us. So if we say that we hold “charity” as a value we are saying that we aspire to be charitable, even at personal cost.

However, as I mentioned, values are abstract. You may have a very good idea of what it means to be charitable. But my idea of charity may be very different than yours. This is where the notion of criteria come in.

Criteria define our values, or give them specific meaning to us. For instance, when I think of charity, I assign criteria that defines charity. The criteria I use include, helping others to be self reliant, empowering others, helping others meet challenges. My value of charity, and the criteria I use to define charity, will influence how I may react to someone who is in need. Since my criteria and your criteria may be different, you may react in a different way.

What are beliefs?

Beliefs are judgments about ourselves and the world around us. They are usually generalizations. A typical belief may be “killing is bad.” Notice that the belief includes not only an action or thing (“killing”, but a judgment about that action or thing (“is bad”).

Sometimes beliefs become very strongly entrenched or emotional. In this way, beliefs can influence our behaviors, even our thoughts, in very powerful ways. If you truly believe that eating fish will give you eternal happiness, and you desire eternal happiness, then you will probably eat a lot of fish. More tragically, if you believe that you doing God’s will, and will be rewarded in heaven, by blowing yourself up and killing dozens of others in the process, you will blow yourself up. This is the power of belief.

Beliefs also literally shape your map of reality. I have written articles in the past about how information received through your senses is passed through filters to create a map of reality. Beliefs are those filters. This is why 10 people can sit through the same experience and have 10 different views (or realities) of what happened.

How are beliefs and values related?

Beliefs and values (and criteria) are closely related. In fact, they are interdependent. That is, they cannot be separated from each other. In essence, beliefs provide context for our experiences, and connect our experiences to our values and criteria.

Let’s say that I am walking down the street and see a beggar sitting on a bench. I have a value of being charitable, and my criteria define that value as helping others in need. I also have other values, such as protecting myself and my family, and criteria that define those values.

How would I respond to this situation? Would I invite the beggar into my home? Probably not, because I do not now this person, and would not want to endanger my family by inviting a stranger home. Would I simply walk by? Probably not, because I have a value of being charitable and helping others in need. Most likely I would give the homeless person a blanket to keep warm, maybe something to eat, and perhaps even walk him to a shelter if there was one nearby.

Walking through this scenario, I would make several judgments about this situation, which would connect my values and criteria to my experience. I would first judge whether or not the person was in need, then if he was dangerous to me, or potentially to my family. I would also judge whether or not my actions of giving him a blanket, food, or other assistance satisfies my value of charity. All of these judgments, which create my beliefs about the situation, will affect my behaviors and attitudes towards this person and situation.

Beliefs and values are different

Hopefully, you can see how beliefs and values are different. To sum it up, values represent our aims, desires, and goals. They are usually abstract, and are further defined by criteria. Beliefs are judgments that connect our values and criteria to our experiences. They give our experiences meaning, and provide context for our values.

Both values and beliefs shape the way we view ourselves and the world around us. They act as filters for our perceptions, and actually create our maps of reality. They literally make our reality, and make us who we are.

As I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, we all need to take time to unwind periodically. The daily challenges and frustrations we all face add stress and tension to our bodies and minds that can have serious effects on our physical and mental health.

Taking a few minutes each day to focus inwards and clear our minds and bodies of tension can help us be happier, healthier and more productive people.

This MP3 is a deep relaxation meditation that focuses on breathing and mental imagery to literally melt away the stress and tension from your body, and will leave you refreshed and relaxed. The exercise is designed to take 15 minutes, but can be done in as little as 7 or 8 and still have good benefits.

You can either listent to the MP3 online, or feel free to download it as well. Its free, and its yours to use whenever you like.

Try it! Let me know how you like it.

Going green is all the rage these days, and it makes sense. Aside from the highly politicized issues of global warming, living a greener lifestyle has some very practical benefits. By going green you can reduce your exposure to toxic chemicals, eat healthier foods, live a more active and healthy lifestyle, and even save money.

Here are 10 easy ways you can live greener

1. Turn off lights you are not using (and use only the lights you need). I remember when I was growing up my parents always fussing about “every light in the house being on.” Back then the concern wasn’t the environment, it was the high cost of energy. Not much has changed since the 70’s, expect energy is even more expensive now than it was back then. By turning lights off, and only using lights that you actually need, you not only do good for the environment, you save a ton of money.

2. Cut down on the AC, heating, etc. Like lighting, we Americans tend to be obsessive about air conditioning and heating. Fact: you will live, and even learn to live comfortably, in 65 – 75 degree (F) temperature. In the summer, try not to create an ice box in your home… it really does not need to be 68 degrees inside at all times. And sweaters are made for the winter. This may sound harsh, but if you keep your thermostat set at around 75 in the summer and 65 in the winter, you will find that your body will adapt, and you will be very comfortable. And while you’re at it, turn off that computer and TV when you are not using it! Again, energy is expensive, and there is actually a shortage (which is why its expensive).

3. Walk, or ride a bike. Now, I have to admit, I love to drive. However, my British wife is pretty insistent that driving a block to buy a soda is, frankly, wasteful and stupid. And she is right. Feet were made for walking and peddling. Save gas, get healthy, and help out the environment and drive only when you need to.

4. Drink tap water. All those plastic bottles not only eventually end up in a land fill, or worse, in the ocean… and they don’t break down very quickly at all. And guess what; the $1.25 water you are drinking from that bottle is probably distilled (if you are lucky) tap water, anyway. Even if you only have 1 bottle of water each day, you could save over $35/month by simply turning on the tap. If you are really concerned about filtering, there are cheap alternatives that don’t result in that plastic bottle spending thousands of years in the ocean or land fill.

5. Plant a garden. One of the best things we have done is plant a small vegetable garden on the back yard. You don’t need acres to eat better, healthier vegetables. Our garden is basically two, 8ftx4ft plots, and there is plenty of food for the family. Even if you don’t have a back yard at all you can still plant a lot in pots. In fact, we plant some of our vegetables and herbs in pots so we can have them year round. Its cheap, its sustainable, its healthy, and its fun!

6. Compost and recycle. This is the easiest, and most neglected, way of going green in America. Most communities actually have a recycling program these days, and will even provide a recycling bin, and come and pick it up for you. It is a no brainer, and it helps the environment tremendously. Composting requires a little more effort, but not much. And if you plant that garden we just talked about, or if you have any kind of garden (flowers, lawn, etc.) it is a real benefit.

7. Go paper. Most grocery stores these days have paper bags. By packing your groceries in paper vs. plastic you are reducing the amount of plastic that is hanging around in landfills and in the ocean. Remember, plastic is not biodegradable, and will stick around for thousands of years… paper breaks down much more quickly. You are only going to use that bag for a few minutes, anyway. Be kind to the environment.

8. (If you have small children) use cloth diapers. The cloth diapers of today are not your grandmother’s cloth diapers. They are pre-fitted, and even snap on. Now I admit when my wife insisted on cloth I had visions of massive grossness. I was wrong. In fact, I find the cloth to be far less gross because the nastiness doesn’t hang around in the diaper genie for days until it gets thrown away. And, the chemicals and materials used in disposable diapers aren’t the best for the baby or the environment. Scarlet hates wearing anything but cloth, and we hate putting anything else on her. We save loads of money, have a happier and healthier baby (she has not had a single rash in 14 months… not one), and we aren’t dumping thousands of diapers each year into landfills.

9. Get rid of the chemicals. Believe it or not, you don’t need Clorox to be germ free. We made an amazing discovery about cleaning products about a year ago. Vinegar, baking soda, and lemons are really all you need to keep a sparkly clean and germ free house. I was skeptical at first, envisioning all kinds of nastiness, when we got rid of the commercial cleaners. But I don’t miss them at all, now. Again, we save a load of money, and we aren’t dumping toxic waste into the water table every time we clean.

10. Be proactive. These are just a handful of very easy and practical ways to go green. There is an absolute ton of information out there to learn more ways to live a more sustainable, healthy, and happier lifestyle. Check it out. You can save a ton of money, and do some good for your health and the environment at the same time.

We hear a lot about values. During election campaigns politicians talk about “traditional values.” There are also cultural values (“American values, European values, etc.), “family values”, “value based leadership,” etc. etc.

We hear about how important values are in society, or about important it is to instill strong value systems in our children. But, when we speak about values, what exactly are we talking about?

What are values?

While most of us have an intuitive idea about the nature of a value, few could provide a clear definition of what one actually is. Most recognize that values are generally related to something of worth, or meaning. When we say we have a particular value, we are by default assigning worth and meaning to that value. We are saying it is important to us.

For example, if we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we believe that being successful is worth something, or that it has meaning to our lives. From our statement we can assume that “success” is worth taking specific, and perhaps difficult, steps to achieve. In other words, our goals and actions will reflect the value of “success.” They form the basis for our behaviors and motivations.

Values are typically abstract concepts. For example, although you and I may both say that “success” is a value, we will most likely have at least subtle differences in how we define success. Therefore, our motivations, goals, plans, and behaviors may be very different as we pursue success.

To summarize, values define what we desire, or seek to achieve.

But there is more…

As I mentioned above, values are usally very abstract. When we say that “success” is a value, we are saying that we desire success, and that success is worth some effort to achieve. But how do we clarify what success actually is?

Robert Dilts, in his book Sleight of Mouth, contends that another construct is at play in our value systems. According to Dilts, we use what are known as criteria to further define our values. The best way to describe criteria and how the relate to values is by an example.

If my definition of success is having very strong relationships with friends and family, I will probably not work 60 hours each week to get that next promotion or bonus. Instead, I will choose to do things that build those relationships over things that build my career, such as spending more time at home, or with friends, building those relationships.

On the other hand, if you define success as becoming a Vice President before age 35, you will most likely put in those extra hours, even at the expense of some of your relationships.

So, my criteria for success is strong personal and family relationships. Your criteria for success (in this example) is career growth.

Our criteria make the abstract value of success more concrete for each of us, and therefore influence our goals and behaviors.

Contemplating your own values

Most (all?) of us could sit down and write out a list of values that we believe to be sacred. Perhaps values like “honesty”, “integrity”, “loyalty”, “achievement”, “family”, and many others would appear on most of our lists. Some of these values have been passed down through our own family or national cultures. These are expected values. But how do we really know they are “our own” values?

There are two obvious tests.

First, sit down with your list of values, then go through each value and write down the criteria for that value. Odds are, if you cannot write down several criteria for any particular value, you have not really defined what that value means to you. And if you have not defined the value, you probably have not internalized it. And a value that is not internalized is not really a value that you own for yourself.

Second, after you have really defined your values, reflect on how well you actually keep them. If you say you value family, but your efforts are mostly focused towards work, there may be cause to reconsider how strongly you hold the family value. In other words, the more strongly your behavior reflects the values you purport to hold, the more strongly you actually hold those values.

The hierarchical and fluid nature of values

You may feel a little concerned or confused (or even offended) after reading the last section. There is really no need, because it is entirely possibly, even probably, that some of your values may conflict with some others. This is because values are hierarchical and fluid by nature.

This statement may surprise you because you may have been taught that values are set in stone, universal, and concrete. But on reflection, can you name a single value that actually is any of these?

Some may say that respecting human life is an absolute value. But, in the next breath we may justify killing terrorists, or a criminal that has committed murder, or another person who is threatening the life of your own child.

So, do we say that we do not value human life? No, what we would say is that we do value human life, but not as much as we value justice, or defending our own children. So when we think about each of these values: human life, justice, defending our children, we see that there is a hierarchy.

To complicate things further, some of our values and criteria may even change over time. For instance, it is not uncommon for people to change their value criteria as they grow older and experience more. A traumatic or highly emotional event may change the values a person has as well. Sometimes we may even choose to reflect on a value, and modify it or its criteria to better fit in our own map of reality.

Values are complex psychological constructs. They are ambiguous, vague, and abstract. But in our own minds we assign them criteria to further define them and make them more practical. Values govern our behaviors and motivation, and therefore our perceptions of reality.

However, it would be wrong to say they “control” us, because they are fluid and hierarchical. We have the ability to modify our values and criteria based on our own experiences and needs. I encourage you to explore your values, understand their criteria and hierarchy, and align your work and behaviors with them. In doing so you will lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

When most people think of psychology they think of a mentally ill person laying on a couch having his psyche dissected by Freudian-type person who asks a lot of questions about the patient’s mother.

Well, to be sure there is still some of that kind of therapy going on, but psychology has changed quite a bit since Freud and Jung. Much of the emphasis on modern psychology is still diagnosis and treatment of mental illness.

However, another approach that focuses less on treating mental illness, and more on improving healthy people’s lives, and keeping them healthy, is gaining popularity. This school of psychology is known as positive psychology.

If you have read much of my blog, or those of the hundreds of other personal development bloggers out there in the blogosphere, you have most likely been exposed to positive psychology. Indeed, if you have read any of the popular self-help books, you already know what positive psychology is about.

What are some examples of positive psychology?

Positive psychology is not just about making people “feel good,” (although I would argue there is some value in that alone). It is about preparing people mentally and emotionally to live happy, successful, and fulfilling lives.

A good example of positive psychology at work is teaching people the value of introspection, mindfulness, and reframing to enable them to react appropriately to life’s challenges, or to align their actions and values. Some of these same techniques are used to treat mental illness such as depression and anxiety, but can also be effectively applied to healthy people to help them better their lives.

Techniques such as NLP, hypnosis, and even clinical practices such as cognitive-behavioral therapies are also very useful when applied in the context of positive psychology.

Teaching people stress relief methods, or other forms of self-care such as the importance of exercise, relaxation, and a healthy diet are also forms of positive psychology. Other forms of positive psychology include helping people focus on their successes, teaching them to learn from failure, and how to make criticism work in their favor.

As you can see, the possibilities are limitless.

An emphasis on positive psychology can make serious improvements in your life, and in the lives of others around you. This does not mean that there is no place for other forms of psychology. The reality is that there is a lot of trauma out there in the real world, and modern psychology has developed some very effective treatments to help people overcome their challenges with mental illness. However, it’s important to realize that psychology is not just for the sick. It can benefit us all.

Recently, I read an article on CNN.com that asked the question, “How rich is rich?”

This started to make me think about the question of “How much is enough?” If you recall, my very first post on this blog was about how we define success. In America, it seems to me that success is defined by material wealth. We place a great value on “what we do” (our job), where we live, what car we drive, and how “healthy” our 401k is. Many Americans are proud of the fact that we work 50, 60, or even more hours per week. Those who don’t work long hours are often perceived as unambitious, or even lazy.

In short, our work, and the material wealth it brings to us, becomes our identity. Don’t believe me? Try this: ask ten people to tell you who they are, and I’ll wager that at least eight of those ten people will tell you what they do; e.g. – I am Chris, and I am a lawyer; I am Lauren and I am in marketing, etc. etc.

Instead of talking about their family, hobbies, spirituality, or any of the things that truly define who a person really is, most of those you ask this question will focus on their job. I have conducted this experiment hundreds of times in seminars, social gatherings, and even at bars, and the trend is the same; people describe who they are in terms of their jobs.

What’s wrong with this?

I am not here to say that there is anything wrong with basing one’s identity on their job. We should take pride in our work, and when we truly enjoy what we do our work can bring joy and purpose to our lives.

My question is whether America’s work ethic is a result of the pure joy and purpose our jobs bring to our lives, or a matter of seeking to fulfill these needs with more toys. If you are working 50+ hours per week in a job you truly love, and one that brings meaning and fulfillment to your life, then perhaps you have found your path. On the other hand, if you are working simply to accumulate “more,” then maybe its time to take a step back and assess your life’s work.

Is the sacrifice worth “more?”

Part of this assessment is understanding what you may be sacrificing to gain “more.” When I speak of “more,” I mean more stuff; e.g. – more status, more money, a bigger house, a nicer car, a bigger TV… in other words, more material wealth. How much is it all worth?

Is it worth chronic stress, and the resulting mental and physical health problems? Is having “more” worth sacrificing a deeper relationship with family and friends? Is it worth not having the time to work on personal growth and development; e.g – reading a good book, meditating, exercising, learning?

Finally, is it worth never learning who you truly are? Is dedication to “the job,” and earning “more” worth surrendering your personal identity to the profession?

Only you can answer these questions.

So, how much is enough?

I’ll be honest. I like “stuff” as much as anybody. I understand the appeal of having “more.” I drive a BMW, have a pretty nice house, a purebred beagle, and like having money to go out to dinner occasionally. But, the question I regularly have to ask myself is how much is enough?

As with most things, I think the answer to this question (for me) is finding a balance between having a comfortable lifestyle while still maintaining the ability to continue on my path of learning and personal growth.

This is a balance that is sometimes very difficult to achieve. My wife will be the first to tell me that I try to do too much all at once. She provides some of the balance I need by being demanding when necessary. And for that I am grateful… even if not at the precise time she is being demanding!

Striking the balance

Here are some of my recommendations for striking a healthy balance:

Develop a plan. Understanding what is most important in your life is an essential first step in finding balance. You can’t get to balance if you don’t know what you want it to look like.

Developing a plan for a balanced life must start with some serious introspection. Meditation, therapy, talking with a mentor, or just sitting in quite contemplation of what it is that you want out of life for yourself and your family are ways to begin to clarify what is most important, and what balance looks like for you.

Develop a good support network. Having family and friends who value living a balanced lifestyle, and have shared goals and ideas, is a necessary part of keeping an even keel. As I mentioned, my wife is a great aid to me as I am one of those people who simply must achieve (aka, Type A personality).

Another great way to develop support networks is to subscribe to blogs (like this one!), or other local groups that promote healthy and balanced living. One of my favorite sites is Balance in Me, but there are dozens of others out there as well.

Start by taking small steps. For most people the move towards balance can seem daunting. After all, most employers would not understand your desire to work 10 fewer hours per week. And, the strain of simply quitting your day job may be too much for you, or your family, to handle. After all, the life you have built for yourself should not necessarily be simply tossed aside.

However, you can start making a transition to the balanced life you seek by working 1 or 2 fewer hours per week, designating a night each week for quality family time, or 20 minutes each day for personal development or exercise, etc. By building on these small steps you may be surprised how quickly your life can be transformed.

Revisit your plan and progress often. Let’s face it. Most people do not start out life seeking to become dissatisfied and imbalanced. Typically, imbalance results from ideas that are placed into our heads during school, like “Being an artist is a waste of time, choose a career you can make a lot of money at.” The next thing you know, you are climbing the corporate ladder, and before you know it you look down and wonder… “would I be happier as an artist?” Then the mid life crisis sets in…

So, the moral of the story here is to pay attention to your life. It is not a dress rehearsal. Periodically reflect on where you are at, and where you are going. A regular meditation schedule and an active support network can keep you on track.

One of the presuppositions of NLP is that the meaning of a communication is in the way it is received. I posted a guest post from Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds on this presupposition back in June of this year, but think it is worth visiting again. It is that important.

But, in this post I am going to approach the topic from a different direction than Dianne. In her post, Dianne explained in some detail how this presupposition works. (I highly recommend reading her post. Just click on any one of the links). In this post, I am going to describe some specific ways to ensure that our messages are understood.

The role of empathy

This presupposition is a simple way of saying that we must take responsibility for how we attempt to communicate a message. When we wish to convey a particular message and it is misinterpreted, we often blame the recipient for misunderstanding. We get defensive and even blaming, and arguments happen.

Fundamentally, the reason for the conflict and misunderstanding that comes from “miscommunication,” indeed, the reason for miscommunication itself, is typically because empathy is lacking in both the transmitter and the receiver of the message.

When we communicate without empathy, we are transmitting without any regard or consideration to the needs of our intended receiver. Often times people will try and justify this lack of empathy by saying they prefer to “tell it like it is,” or to “be direct.” The true motive behind this desire to “be direct” is to force our message on somebody else, with little regard to how they may interpret or receive it. After all, if we really want to be understood, why would we not want to tailor our message to the recipient? This “being direct” is a fundamentally selfish way of communicating.

Likewise, it is impossible to accurately receive a message without empathy. Think about active listening as an example. It is simply not possibly to engage in active listening – to give somebody your total attention, and show genuine interest in what the other is trying to say, without empathy. In fact, a fundamental part of active listening is to connect with the sender, and repeat back his or her message in our own words to confirm our own understanding.

By definition, we cannot form such a connection and understanding without empathizing.

So why does the sender hold the primary responsibility for the way a message is received?

I’ve just said that lack of empathy on both sides of a communication is the reason why misunderstandings and the resulting conflicts happen. That being the case, you may be wondering why it is that the sender has the responsibility for ensuring his or her message is accurately received.

It simple. The sender starts the cycle, and understands (hopefully) the meaning of the message being conveyed. The receiver cannot possibly understand the meaning unless the sender conveys it. Therefore, the sender is the only person that can logically be responsible.

Furthermore, if the sender places his own need to validate himself, or to “be direct,” or “tell it like it is,” over the way a message is received or how it is interpreted, there can be no empathy conveyed, and the message will more than likely generate a violent (not in the physical sense… hopefully) reaction.

By following the guidelines below, we can communicate with empathy and in a nonviolent manner, and ensure our messages are understood:

Be aware of your objective. The sender is the only person who can know the meaning of any communication before it is sent. If the sender does not know what meaning she wants to convey, then how can the receiver possibly understand it?

It is also necessary that the sender understand “why” he wants to send the message in the first place. Is the intent constructive, or antagonistic? Antagonism rarely gets the results we want… at least in the long term. It is possible to communicate anger in ways that actually achieve positive results and get your needs met. Simply being argumentative damages relationships and ensures your real message – e.g. the need you want to have met – is not received.

Avoid vague language. This is not the same as “being direct” in the sense most people understand it. What avoiding vague language means is to speak plainly, but with empathy, and in a way your receiver can understand and accept.

As we’ve already learned, understanding without empathy is simply not possibly. When choosing your language you want to convey your needs, as well as concern for the receiver, otherwise your message will almost certainly create defensiveness in the recipient, and you are likely to simply end up in a conflict of competing needs.

Be honest about your needs. We all want to have their needs met. And when they aren’t met, we typically get resentful. As resentment builds, empathy departs. And (again) without empathy effective communication is simply not possible.

The time to communicate your needs is before this cycle sets in. It is best to be honest about your needs while you can also be empathic and sensitive to your recipient’s needs as well.

Communicate in the positive. Use positive language when communicating. By doing this you will find it much easier to convey empathy, and frame your message in a nonviolent manner.

Abolish “but” from your vocabulary. A simple yet powerful way to make your language more positive is by replacing any “but” statements with “and” statements. For example, notice the difference between,

“I really want to work this out with you, but I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

And

“I really want to work this out with you, and I am concerned about being able to do so and still have my needs met.”

The messages being sent are subtly different. The “but” statement implies an “either, or” situation. Either we work this out, or I get my needs met.

By replacing “but” with “and,” you imply that both conditions can be met; you just don’t know how…. yet.

Get feedback and confirmation. A great way to ensure the meaning of your message is actually being conveyed is to ask. Again, doing so with empathy will usually result in genuine attempts at understanding. Doing so without empathy results in conflict.

Request, don’t demand. We cannot force anybody to do what we want, at least not for the long term. However, when we request something from somebody else with empathy, we usually generate a genuine desire within them to help.

Even if they cannot do what we are asking, they will most likely work with us to find another way to meet our needs.

When we demand, we generate resentment and resistance, and rarely get our needs met.

You hopefully noticed that empathy is the key ingredient of successful communications, and that empathy must be present from the very beginning, in the message being communicated. Given this, it should also be obvious that the sender is the only person that can be responsible for the way his or her message is received.

A message delivered with empathy will show concern for the needs of the recipients as well as the senders. It will be crafted in a way that the recipient can understand. And the sender will clarify understanding, and if necessary, change the way the message is crafted to ensure understanding.

Have you ever wanted to develop a new habit? You know, go to the gym, eat healthier foods, become and early riser, start a daily meditation practice, or whatever else. The good news is you can, and its not as hard as you may think.

Let’s be clear. I am not promising that you will suddenly lose 30 pounds, or anything equally stupid. I am simply saying that you can develop new habits that may help you lose 30 pounds, or achieve whatever other goals you may have.

I know, because I have used it, and still use it to this day. The technique I use to create new habits is a neurolinguistic programming (NLP) technique called the New Behavior Generator. The process is fairly simple, and only takes 10-15 minutes, if that.

The New Behavior Generator works by accessing a variety of representational systems, or way which you perceive the world. The main representational systems are auditory (hearing), kinaesthetic (touching), olfactory (smell), gustatory (taste) and visual. I won’t bore you with the details (at least not in this post), but there is a neurological basis for this process, and it is very powerful.

Let’s walk through this technique using an example. Steve Aitchison recently posted a blog on the “5 Benefits of Being an Early Riser.”

I actually used the New Behavior Generator a few years back when I was living in the UK to wake up at 6AM on weekdays, without an alarm clock, so this seems like a good example.

Here’s how it works

The first thing you will need to do is find a quite, comfortable place where you can mentally rehearse getting out of bed at the time you feel is most appropriate. Once you are in that place, sit in a comfortable chair or sofa. For this exercise you will keep your eyes open, and will not enter into a deep trance.

Now that you are comfortable, reaffirm to yourself that you want to become an early riser. Be specific. What time would you like to rise, and why. What do you expect to gain from rising early. What are the opportunity costs? How would you like to feel when you rise early? What would you like rising early to be like for you?

It helps to develop a well-formed outcome to clarify all of these details, which are very important for developing your new habit of rising early each morning.

After you have thought about, and clarified your goals and outcomes for rising early, you will begin mentally rehearsing rising early – again, with your eyes open. It is important to keep your eyes open because you will use them to activate specific representational systems as you rehearse.

The steps

First, look down and to your left, and talk to yourself (out loud). Ask yourself “What do I want to do differently in the mornings? How early would I like to rise?” Then, say to yourself, “If I could rise early in the morning, at , what would it look like?” As you are saying this final sentence, begin moving your eyes to look up and to the right.

As you are looking up and to the right, see yourself as if you are watching from outside your body rising early, at the time you would like. Watch yourself sleeping, then sitting up immediately at the appropriate time. If you use an alarm clock, see yourself turn it off as you swing your legs over the side of the bed and stand up. Watch yourself stretch, and smile, as you are totally awake and looking forward to the day. See yourself walk into the kitchen and get a cup of coffee, then walk out onto the patio and watch the sun rising… etc. etc. until you have watched yourself perform your entire morning routine in great detail.

(Your scenario may be different, but the point is to really visualize all of the details – the more detailed the better… and don’t forget to look up and to the right as you do so!)

After you have watched yourself, as if you are outside your body, move your eyes so you are looking down and to the right. Once you are looking down and to the right, step into the experience as you rehearse it again and notice how it feels. Remember, you are noticing how you “want” it to feel, not how you fear it will feel. Notice how refreshed and awake you feel when you open your eyes, how energized you are as you sit up and get out of bed, how excited you are as you look forward to the day.

(Again, your feelings may be different, but the important part is that you really “feel” them as you rehearse getting up in the morning. You are literally programming your mind at this point).

Now repeat this cycle at least three times. As you do, make any adjustments to the routine you feel are necessary. You may change the routine, or the feelings associated with it to make it better as you continue through the cycle.

My recommendation is that once your routine is perfected, run through the perfected routine at least three times to really embed it in your mind.

Now future pace

Once you are happy that you have mentally rehearsed the routine enough times you must check to see how well it is programmed into your mind. In NLP speak we call this future pacing.

To future pace you should think of a time when you will want to wake up early. Now mentally rehearse this event, without the eye movement. Notice the cues you receive that tells you its time to wake up. Watch yourself running through your routine, noticing you feelings and how the routine occurs.

Again, you are not going through the eye movements or introducing any artificial actions or feelings. You are imagining how the event will actually be.

If you find that the event is not unfolding the way you want it to, or that you have unwelcome feelings about the event, you have three options:

You may choose to change your environment and try to run through the process again. It may be that where you are is too noisy, uncomfortable, hot, cold, etc. and is limiting your ability to actually mentally rehearse your routine. Once you have found a more suitable place or time, go back and repeat the entire process until you get a positive future pace.

One option is to revise your morning routine so that it is more suitable to your needs. You may add activities, alter them, or discard them. You may revisit your feelings and choose different feelings that are more appropriate. Once you revise your routine, go back and repeat the process several times again until you get a positive future pace.

Another option is to revisit your well-formed outcome and make certain that your routine is congruent, or aligned, with who you are – your values, needs, and wants. While dramatic change is possible with this and other NLP techniques, one thing we cannot do is make changes that simply do not fit with who we are. (In order to make those changes, we must work on our values, and that is the topic of another post…).

Remember, the New Behavior Generator can be used to develop just about any behavior you want. The keys to making this work are: 1. Make sure the new behavior matches your values, and who you are; 2. Make sure you are in a place that is suitable for the exercise; 3. As you mentally rehearse, do so in the greatest possible detail; 4. The eye movements are key; 5. Be sure and check with future pacing.

If you love learning you are in luck, because there is simply no way you can avoid learning, every day, all the time. You have no choice because life is learning.

How so? In the most basic sense, all of our actions are adaptive. In other words, we behave with intent, with motivation. This motivation may be conscious, or unconscious, but what we do is not random.

What are we adapting to? Simple, we are adapting to things that happen inside and around us. That may sound confusing, but to clarify, every perception we have is interpreted by our brain. This interpretation is complex as each piece of information we receive through our senses passes through many filters that have been created over our life through our own, unique subjective experiences.

So everything that has ever happened to us, is happening to us, and ever will happen to us, adds to our subjective experience, and helps to create the filters we use to receive and process all that happens around us.

In addition to strengthening our filters, or possibly creating new filters, our subjective experiences actually create our maps of reality. They literally shape how we view the world around us.

And our perceived reality is what we are constantly adapting to.

So what are you learning?

As you can see, you are constantly learning. Some of the lessons you learn consciously, such as when you study for a math exam, or realize that touching a hot stove is bad. Other lessons you learn passively.

Information and experiences that you may not even be aware of are adding to your unconscious mind’s body of knowledge, and in turn are building and strengthening filters, adding to your map, and shaping your reality.

Be an active participant in your learning

You may begin to understand why it is very important to pay attention to the subjective experiences you may be exposing yourself (or your kids!!!) to. It is equally important to process your experiences critically and mindfully to ensure you are learning the right lessons from them.

Some ways to process your experiences are mediation, journaling, counseling, therapy, hypnosis, or simply discussing them with a friend or family member. All of these methods are great ways to increase awareness of the meanings your mind is assigning to your subjective experiences, and to possibly even change or reframe those meanings as appropriate.

By becoming an active participant in your life’s education you can direct your lessons, and create a map of reality that better serves your life’s purpose.