Building great relationships, Part II – 5 Steps to Mastering the Bid
by Chris on March 4, 2010
in Relationships, communications
In Building Great Relationships, Part I we discussed the importance of relationships, and the role the bid plays in developing (or destroying) relationships of all kinds.
In Part II we will talk about how to master the art of the bid. John Gottman provides five fundamental steps:
1. Gain an understanding of how you bid, and how you respond to bids of others. You may remember from Part I that most of us are not even aware of many of the bids we are receiving. Being unaware can be catastrophic as bids from others may go by without acknowledgement, or this lack of awareness may be taken as outright hostility. It’s important to pay conscious attention to your partners, colleagues, friends, etc. and identify how they make their bids, and to make real effort to respond favorably whenever possible.
Likewise, its important to actively bid yourself. One of the most common mistakes in marriage is complacency. Partners simply stop bidding for each others connections. This is the road to separation, divorce and hostility. Make the effort to show other people you are interested in the relationship.
2. Pay attention to how your emotions affect the way you bid. If you are in a difficult relationship, or generally stressed, you may find it hard to muster the energy to bid.
The first step to overcoming this difficulty is awareness. Once you have awareness of the issues that are holding your back, then you can begin to work on them either in therapy, through self-hypnosis, meditation, or other methods. Do not be afraid to seek out help. Having a strong support structure with healthy relationships is therapy in itself. Its well worth the effort.
3. Be aware if how your emotional past affects your bidding style, and your ability to form deep relationships with others. Let’s face it: we all have baggage. And this baggage affects the way we build and manage our relationships. If you come from a life’s situation that makes it difficult for you to develop close relationships, this will make it difficult for you to place yourself in the vulnerable position of bidding.
Again, awareness is the first step. The second is processing the emotional trauma (e.g. baggage) and either resolving or accepting it so you can develop the nurturing relationships that are key to happiness and mental health. Once again, don’t be afraid to seek help. Its worth it!
4. Develop emotional communication skills. In other words, learn how to bid. A big part of learning how to bid is developing the ability to empathize with others. We are all different, and we all send and receive bids differently. What you may think of as a huge bid for affection may not be received that way if its not delivered in the right way, at the right time, or even if it’s the wrong bid. Learn about how your friends, partners, colleagues give and receive bids, and what is important to them.
For example, if your girlfriend or boyfriend values creativity on Valentines, don’t go to Hallmark for a card. Make one for him or her! If a business partner is mostly concerned about a product being delivered on time, don’t expect him to be thrilled with late delivery even if you discount the product.
Likewise, learn to appreciate bids even when they are not what you would prefer. If you receive a store bought gift from a loved one when you really wanted something hand made by them, accept it gratefully. Recognize that the fact the other person bid at all has value. You may over the course of the relationship discuss what is important to you, and over time get the kinds of bids you really want.
5. Find common ground. Many organizations and families have traditions and ceremonies. These traditions and ceremonies serve as common heritage and creates strong bonds. Learn to find shared values in your relationships, and develop traditions and ceremonies that deepen the bonds in the relationship.
These five steps take practice. They are not quick fixes. But over time you will notice your relationships deepening and becoming more satisfying if you develop these skills. And your partners, friends, colleagues, etc. will learn these skills by your example as well.
3 choices you have when dealing with conflict
by Chris on March 2, 2010
in Uncategorized
We all deal with some form of interpersonal conflict occasionally. Depending on our situation, we may deal with it daily or even more often. We may have problems with a boss or co-worker. Perhaps stress is causing conflict with out spouse or children. Maybe we are going through a difficult time with a friend. Interpersonal conflict comes in many forms, but it is almost always uncomfortable for us.
When we are faced with a conflict in a relationship, whether its work, friendship, intimate, family… whatever the relationship may be, we basically have three choices on how to deal with it.
We can choose to become defensive and attack the other person. This happens when we either project our own negative feelings about ourselves onto the other person, or genuinely feel that the other person is mostly to blame. In these situations we generally proclaim our innocence, or at least minimize our guilt, then make harsh remarks about the other person. Generally these remarks are personal, such as attacks on the person’s character or motives.
The result of this option is that we run the very real risk of damaging the relationship. In the heat of the moment we may say things that, even if we don’t mean them, we can never take back. Or, even if our attacks aren’t that aggressive, over time they do accumulate and have a lasting affect on the relationship.
The second option is to avoid or deny this situation. Perhaps we are either tired of an ongoing conflict, or are afraid of the potential consequences of discussing the issue, so we either minimize it or deny it altogether. We put it off and hope it just goes away. The problem is that most often issues that cause conflict in relationships do not go away, they grow until they are resolved or at least discussed. And the longer the conversation is avoided, the harder it becomes to have it.
The final, and best, option is to discuss the issue in a way that genuinely seeks to connect with the other person and find a solution, or at least an understanding. Doing this requires some courage and skill. Courage is required because this solution requires you to self-disclose, or to talk about your feelings and how the situation is affecting you. Skill is required because when discussing the issue, you must be able to empathize with the other person and voice your concerns without criticizing or defending. (Either would mean you are using Option 1 or 2, after all).
The benefit of choosing this final option is that if you do it the right way, instead of potentially damaging the relationship, you actually end up making it stronger. You show the other person that you value the relationship enough to make yourself vulnerable through self-disclosure, and to genuinely empathize with him or her to understand their point of view.
Admittedly, this is not an easy skill to learn for most of us. So I recommend that if you are interested in learning how to really make your relationships… all of them… more meaningful and stronger, pick up John Gottman’s book, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships.
Building great relationships, Part I
by Chris on February 23, 2010
in Relationships, communications
Relationships are tough sometimes. But they are the most important aspect of our human existence. Even the shyest person is a social being. We need relationships to feel included and to have a sense of control in our lives; to make meaning of our place and purpose in society.
However, it seems that we as people are becoming more disconnected from each other and our humanity in our modern world. This can be seen in the divorce rates in the West; the tragedies of Columbine, Stockton, Washington and other school shooting; reduced empathy, civility and social intelligence in our interactions; and surges in violence not only in our own cities, but globally. Perhaps you can think of other signs.
While some may argue that the above are caused by the media, poverty, greater access to guns, and many other circumstances I would argue that these may be factors, but the primary cause is a failure to connect with others and form deep relationships.
The good news is that all is not lost. Even if you have difficulties forming relationships there is a skill that you can learn that can turn it all around. That skill is learning to recognize and appropriately respond to “bids.”
What is a “bid?”
John Gottman, perhaps the world’s most respected expert on personal relationships, talks about bids in his groundbreaking book, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
The bid can come in the form of question, a gesture, a look, a touch… or any other action that we use to attempt to become connected to another person in some way. Again, this connection does not need to be intimate. For instance, in the context of a business negotiation a bid may come in the form of an icebreaker, or a concession of some kind. In friendships bids can be showing an interest in what another is talking about.
Obviously, for any relationship to deepen and become meaningful regular bids must come from all parties involved. By bidding for another’s attention or affection we are showing interest in the relationship.
How we respond to a bid makes or breaks a relationship
A response to a bid is just that… its how the other person responds. He or she can accept the bid and respond in kind, ignore or be simply unaware of the bid, or outright reject the bid.
When a bid is acknowledged and responded to in a positive way bonds deepen, positive regard is developed, and the relationship deepens. In fact, the more successful bids that are exchanged in a relationship, the more likely the relationship is to survive hard times. Essentially, accepting and offering bids is like putting money into the emotional bank account.
Again, this not only applies to intimate relationships like marriages. It applies to all relationships.
Imagine you are looking to buy a new car. You go to the dealership and find a car you absolutely love… but the salesman is with another customer and makes you wait for an hour to speak with you, with hardly any acknowledgment. When he finally gets the time to speak with you he looks at you as if to judge whether or not to take you seriously, and shows little interest in closing the deal. Will you likely buy the car from this salesman, or go elsewhere?
Most of us would not even wait the hour, much less buy a car from the dealership. Why? Because the salesperson showed no interest in a relationship with us. He offered no bids, and refused the bids we offered to him.
Now let’s say that salesperson immediately acknowledged us, and let us know he was working with someone else but would be with us as soon as he could. Maybe he even offered us a coffee and showed us to the customer lounge, where the secretary gave us regular attention. Maybe we were even given the option to set an appointment to come back. And when we finally did speak to the salesperson we found out that there was a 2 month wait on the model we wanted, but he showed us several other models that we may be interested in.
Statistics show that with this level of customer service most of us would either wait 2 months for the car we want, or we would buy another model. The difference is that the salesperson showed a genuine interest in helping you find a car by responding to your bids, and likely offering bids of his own by asking open ended questions and offering solutions to help making your car shopping easier.
Both of these scenarios play out all the time in all of our different relationships, and we are often unaware of how our actions shape these relationships.
Take a couple of weeks and really try and recognize the bids you are giving and receiving in one of your important relationships, and try and respond in a positive way and see the difference. People appreciate being appreciated, and want to feel important. I suspect that if you do this you will see that relationship improve and deepen.
In Part II next week I’ll talk about the 5 steps of mastering the bid and making your relationships great!!
Book Review: 7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence
by Chris on February 22, 2010
in Book Review
7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence is my favorite book on NLP so far. Given the dozens of books I have read on the topic, I consider this to be a real accomplishment!
What I like most about this book is that it is not simply a rehash of NLP techniques learned in the standard NLP Practitioner courses offered worldwide. While Merlebvede, Bridoux and Vandamme cover all of the basic principles and techniques of NLP in depth, they take a step further and apply them to developing Emotional Intelligence.
It did not take me long to realize that the authors of 7 Steps are not only well qualified as teachers and practitioners of NLP, but as helping professionals as well. Each has a background in therapy and cognitive science, which explains the depth of explanation of the concepts included in the book.
Despite the depth of knowledge each of these professionals has, they still manage to keep the writing simple and non-technical, relating the concepts of NLP and Emotional Intelligence in a way that the average reader can easily understand.
This is not only a book that I will reference again and again as a hypnotherapist and trainee therapist; it is also a book that I intend to make required reading for the core curriculum of my upcoming LifeSkills training series.
I cannot recommend 7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence highly enough. Get it today and read it cover to cover over the next couple of weeks. You will be glad you did.!
5 ways to make your thoughts more positive and change your world
by Chris on February 18, 2010
in Mental Health, Mindfulness, personal development
“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” – Henry Ford
If you have been reading my blog for any time you will already know that I believe our thoughts create our reality. In other words the way we think and the thoughts we have tend to color the way we see and react to the world around us. If we have typically depressing thoughts, we will most likely be depressed. If we have happy thoughts, we will most likely be happy. If we are constantly thinking about threats, then we will see most things as a threat. You can see how these ways of thinking can change the way we view our world.
It follows from this logic that we can change our reality by changing the way that we think, or by changing our thought patterns. Here are 5 effective ways to do just that. Read more..
The secret to hapiness…
by Chris on February 1, 2010
in Reflections, Success, personal development
Take responsibility for your own happiness. Stop blaming others or events. Happiness comes from within. Once you accept the you will gain control over your own happiness. (Knowing is not accepting, by the way).
The AHA!! moment
by Chris on January 19, 2010
in Hypnotherapy, Mental Health, Mindfulness, NLP, personal development
Have you ever had a strong belief that you were so confident in you were convinced it was an absolute certainty? Most of us have, and still do. Some beliefs become so strong, in fact, that they shape the very reality in which we live. They embed themselves so deeply in our being that we automatically reject or ignore any evidence that contradicts them.
The question you have to ask yourself, if you have beliefs such as these – and you almost certainly do – is whether or not they are limiting or edifying beliefs. Read more..
The importance of living in the present
by Chris on January 18, 2010
in Mindfulness, Purposeful Living, Relationships, Success, personal development
A good friend of mine said something to me that really struck a chord. We were talking about the nature of reality, and about how we create our own realities through the ways we perceive the world around us. The statement she made was, “I believe all time and reality exists in the moment.” I thought, “Wow…” When you really think about it, the only real existence is what is around us at any given moment in time. It is the “right now.”
The past does not really “exist” because it is in the past. The future cannot “exist” because it has not yet formed. So the only thing, the only reality, we are left with is in the now. Read more..
Book Review: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
by Chris on November 25, 2009
in Book Review
There are a lot of books on communication out there. This is not surprising given the role communication plays in our lives. Think about it: whether it’s verbal or nonverbal, what could we possibly accomplish without effective communication? Our species owes our ability to organize, to learn, even to survive on our ability to convey our thoughts, ideas and facts. Our ability to communicate with each other is why we are at the top of the food chain.
Nonviolent Communications: Language of Life is one of the best books on communication I have read. For many readers it may seem to start out in the clouds, with all of the talk about feelings, compassion and empathy, but stick with it and the reasons for this emphasis become clear in a dynamic method of communication that works. Read more..
Every behavior has a positive intention
by Chris on November 24, 2009
in NLP, Purposeful Living
by Dianne Lowther of Brilliant Minds (www.brilliantminds.co.uk)
It’s one of the NLP Presuppositions – ‘Every behaviour has a positive intention’ but what does it actually mean? At first glance you might be forgiven for thinking that it’s implying that everything anyone does is intended to do good. But that isn’t what it means. (And I’m sure that you can think of some behaviours that certainly don’t do good to others.) The NLP Presuppositions are filters. They’re ways of looking at the world that can create more constructive results if we choose to use them. You don’t have to believe that a presupposition is absolutely true in order to practice using it and get the benefit of it. Read more..
